Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Sewage Treatment Gets A Little Behind


The top half of a woman's body has turned up in a sewage treatment plant and workers there have begun to suggest it might be related to the bottom half of a woman's body that showed up two days earlier in a different sewage treatment plant thirty miles away.

Questions linger about how the two items were found in different sewage treatment plants, and the public, already deeply suspicious of the newer Number One and Number Two options on toilet flush handles, demanded an explanation. Sewage authorities surmise that the division of the body probably occurred post-mortem due to an entanglement with machinery that grinds up sewer contents before sending them to one or the other treatment plant. Officials pointed out in their defense that the original whole woman was no doubt past caring at that point, and that dismemberment was a normal but crucial part of an efficient decomposition process.

Many were struck by the fact that this is the first the public had heard of the discovery. One might have assumed that, two days prior, we might have gotten word that a woman's lower half was found in a sewage treatment plant; and that subsequently a suspicious corresponding portion was found. Reporters commenting on the oddness of the chronology interviewed the sewage workers to determine why the first discovery was not reported immediately, and were informed that oddities showed up in the sewage on a regular basis. The lower body half was assumed by most, at first, to be another mutant fish of some sort. Those individuals who pointed out at the time that the discovery looked something like a woman were found to be the same individuals who tend to think almost everything looks like a woman, and the rest of the crew had poked fun of them in the swing room while they were out smoking.  Moreover, a considerable number of sewage workers failed to recognize the first discovery as a segment of a woman because they had never personally made it past second base. Only when the top half floated in were they able to piece it together, a project that the night shift attacked with some fervor.

Reattachment proved to be a failure, and efforts were redirected toward reanimating the top half, but it was a bust.

Positive identification was eventually achieved when a missing woman's child was able to recognize the top half, while her mailman was able to finger the bottom.

47 comments:

  1. the division of the body probably occurred post-mortem due to an entanglement with machinery that grinds up sewer contents

    One wonders how the complete body got into the sewer system in the first place. I know traditional funerals can be ridiculously expensive, but this seems to be carrying economy a bit far.

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    1. It's (for real) being investigated as a homicide because people don't throw themselves into manholes on purpose.

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  2. Ouch! You're on a roll Murr, just not sure to where.

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    1. I'm a fan of funny deaths. The guy who gave an elephant an enema, for instance.

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    2. OK, so now readers are going to want more detail.I'm assuming "funny" is not the humourous funny.Or maybe...well, yes, I can see mirth here.

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    3. Man had to stand on a stepladder to reach high enough to administer an enema to an elephant. It worked very fast. Too fast.

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    4. As long as she replaces the roll when it runs out.

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    5. It's the first rule of civility.

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    6. I am having a hard time seeing how a possible homicide, especially a woman's body being dumped into a sewer, counts as a "funny death".

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    7. Nothing funny about a homicide, to be sure. I had barely read about this when I wrote this piece, but what had struck me as funny is how blithely the news report mentioned the discovery and then (parenthetically) said it "might" be related to the other half having shown up earlier. That said, I'm a sucker for body-parts stories, like how often feet wash up on shore in western Canada. It's a thing. So this will not make my funny-death list, which does however include the local photographer who got on the inside of the greyhound track to take a really good picture of the approaching hounds, and got decapitated by the mechanical bunny.

      I hope my death is funny.

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  3. I tend to agree with Mr. Chaeleston.

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  4. If entire half portions of people show up in the sewage treatment plant, then the chopper isn't really doing much of a job, is it? I thought that when you flush the goldfish, the end result was grinding Nemo.

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  5. All of these comments---euwwww. But funny!

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  6. This is very funny. I find the fact that I think it is very funny to be a bit disturbing...ok, I'm over that now...This is very funny!

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    1. Yeah, best not to examine yourself too closely in these matters.

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  7. I was congratulating myself on having caught all the puns and hilarity in your post...and only then did I notice the title. A little behind, indeed.

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    1. In the interest of full disclosure, I do not actually know the size of the behind.

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  8. The legend of the Mermaid persists. " The lower body half was assumed by most, at first, to be another mutant fish of some sort. Those individuals who pointed out at the time that the discovery looked something like a woman were found to be the same individuals who tend to think almost everything looks like a woman..."

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  9. I'm not actually a murderer, but if I was, I now have a new way of flushing the evidence.

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    1. Excuse me a moment while I examine your use of the word "actually."

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  10. At least it was only a little behind. How mortifying if your fifteen minutes of posthumous fame began with a big but(t).
    The discovery this week that the sewer pipe from our home had collapsed and disintegrated means this post resonates in a far from attractive way today. And no, I haven't been attempting to dispose of any evidence (that I will admitt to). I am also suprised that any of the workers get to first base...

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    1. Yes you were. You were definitely trying to dispose of evidence. Evidence of your dinner. That's a good thing.

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    2. Okay. Best reason EVER for going on a diet.

      Well, maybe not exactly the best reason, but perhaps the one that feels most motivational. I am a lazy vain thing, I admit it.

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  11. Well, I am behind on this one. I'm sure it topped a lot of broadcasts and print journalism, but it's news to me. Goodness, how I had to dig for this story.

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    1. You could have started digging in the link in the first sentence. A little public service I occasionally provide...:)

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  12. If homicide is being considered there is one HUGE question....do the sanitation works(or whoever runs the chopper thingy) not lock the gates when they go home?

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    1. I think they're assuming the body entered the sewer system through a manhole.

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  13. A woman in a manhole - probably illegal in the southern states.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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  14. YECH!!! I am thinking MURDER!!!! Call Sherlock (Elementary) or Monk (MONK) or Dr. Daniel Pierce (Perception). They can solve this case/

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    1. Case still unsolved. I should probably wait for a while out of respect before I write about these things, but respect's not my strong suit.

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  15. Love this post. Maybe the person who put the woman's body in the sewer was hoping it would become bottom fodder for the mutant fish?

    I keep telling my kids that when I die to put my body in a holey barrel and let it float out to sea. I like the idea of feeding the fish! They roll their eyes, my kids not the fish, and tell me that my dead body will have nothing to do with me and to mind my own business. Bloody free thinking kids!

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    1. I like the idea of being left out for the vultures. It's all over in a day, or less, if you're lucky enough to score a condor. I can't bear the thought of being sent out to sea, because I don't swim well. I realize that should be a moot point but I can't help it.

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  16. 5 AM in Nashville and I just spewed coffee all over my computer while busting my gut laughing. Only you could take something so macabre and turn it into something so hysterically hilarious.

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    1. I'm kind of awful that way. I admit it.

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  17. You are unbelievably twisted, Murr. I like that in a person.

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  18. Whoa! Married to guy who says sewers will save the world! He loves his job! I can't wait for our dinner conversation tonight! Epic!

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  19. I guess composting is better than landfill....

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