Wednesday, October 2, 2013

All Systems Are Go


The family company is cautiously optimistic today as word came that the grandnephew Oliver's shit production start-up, after a very productive two years, has begun preliminary work into transferring at least some operations directly to the potty chair. This expansion of the franchise is deemed feasible via a reduction in middle management, a move that both his parents strongly support. All systems appeared to be "go" and then word of the developments was leaked to the outside. At least something seemed to be leaking. I answered a knock at my door and discovered Ted Cruz and Rand Paul on the front porch. They were frowning.

We heard about your plans. Trust us on this. You do not want to be going in that direction. Not in the Obama economy.

What economy is that? The one in which housing starts have shown solid growth? No. The one in which unemployment is trending down? No. The one that caved in when the housing bubble burst and the financial sector grew at the expense of fairly compensated labor? No. The one in which wage growth has shown stubborn stagnation?

That's the one. And in times like these, the last thing you want to do is embark on any job-killing moves.

No one's killing anything. Oliver's doing a fine job. He's doing it in his pants at the moment, but digestive output is predicted to rise, and everyone in the company thought it would be wise to look into new distribution channels.

Which would result in the loss of jobs. His mother's, at least, and maybe even his father's, in your Democrat families. And diaper manufacturers. And the people who make those little stick-on air fresheners.

His folks are okay with that. They've got jobs. This just cuts down their hours a little. Kind of a quality-of-life issue.

This country was built by workers, not slackers. And frankly, we're concerned that you are so anxious to introduce an innocent child to the spirit-crushing nanny state at such an impressionable age. 

The...?

The Obamaline. The socialist waste management system. This is exactly how Hitler started.

The sewer line? We're fans of the sewer line. Really? Think of it as a pipeline. You love pipelines.

There's a difference between pipelines run with the commercial vigor of private equity and government-run socialist pipelines.

Seriously? Would you want private corporations to be in charge of the sewer system? Shouldn't it be a right to have your poop flushed away to a facility that safeguards the public health?

See, right there, dangerous concepts. Rights and public health. Next you're going to be saying the citizens have a right to water and food. And if the state is expected to be in charge of public health, there is no incentive for citizens to take care of themselves.

Well. I don't know. We're talking cholera and stsuff. Besides, you physically can't have competing networks of sewers running underground. There would be no competition among firms. A private, profit-motivated firm would be able to charge anything they wanted to make the shit go away.

You say "profit" as though it were a bad thing. Ma'am, that is the lifeblood of a strong economy. You're making our own case here.

I don't know. It can't be all socialist when Oliver is in charge of the means of production. And a lot of what Oliver has been producing was already being sent to the socialist sewer line anyway. This way we're only down-sizing the part that ended up in the landfill.

The landfill his parents have helped build, might we remind you, and that's no small thing. Listen. If we are to nurture strong citizens, we should not expect government to take care of everything. It fosters dependency. Everyone should take control of his own poop, and try to get it to roll downhill.

But someone always lives downhill.

And that's what's going to motivate them to better themselves. They never will if the state always steps in to prevent the shit from doing what it does naturally. And don't forget: all this shit is being made right here in the U S of A. And you were always complaining about outsourcing.

[pause for momentary flush of patriotic fervor]

And besides, in the case of something like cholera, the last thing you want to do is have a centralized system run by government bureaucrats. One in which any fecal contamination can be traced to an individual source, triggering the kind of invasive home inspections that are mandated under Obamacare.

What? That's not true.

Depends on how you define true. Anything gets true with enough repetition. Did you know that the amount of poop in the Obamaline is already subject to mandatory review by his Depth Panels? The whole socialist arrangement stinks. Every time you take a dump, you're thinking it's someone else that's going to make sure we don't get cholera. Always "someone else." Well, guess what? "Someone else" is you and me, sister, the taxpaying public.

I'm actually fine with...

We need to create an ownership society. And we can't do it if we keep expecting government to help us out. No. We must assume responsibility for our own poop. We can contract out for its removal by the private company of our choice, or just let the chips fall where they may, but in a free country we must not allow our shit choices to be compelled by the state.

I don't know. An awful lot of shit would pile up. Seems to me it's got to be dispersed somehow.

Leave that to us.

46 comments:

  1. Excellent summary. Could not have written it more truly. And it IS piling up!

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    1. It could fertilize the world. Best-case scenario.

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  2. Applause, applause! Woo hoo! You go Murr! this is explained in a way that even Republicans can understand.

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  3. WHERE do you come up with these, Murr? That brain of yours manages to reframe the political situation so that even I can understand it! Still smiling ruefully at the truth of this.

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    1. Well, potty-training is very inspiring in general.

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  4. This is great! Go Oliver!
    I'm very much in favour of potty transfers, pipelines and sewers.
    I'm also proud of the fact that nothing my kids produced contributed to any landfill. Disposable nappies were new back then and I preferred to stick with the fold and pin terry towelling squares. flush, rinse, soak and wash. It really wasn't that hard, nor time consuming, since I was at home anyway, and apart from the initial expense it was much, much cheaper, so I had more money to spend on other things. Good for the economy.

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    1. Lord knows we were all raised in cloth diapers. The whole rash of us.

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  5. Brilliant summation of a complex situation brought about by months and months of republican constipation that has now exploded...

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  6. As a Canadian, I mostly have no idea what is going on in America or why it is happening. But you, Murr, explain it all so clearly that even we Socialist hoards to the north of you can understand it. Then we can worry that those trends will travel here too. Because everyone needs more to worry about.

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    1. From what I understand, you got yourself a dubious PM there. Or is it Poo-bah?

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  7. For a minute there, I was catching a whiff of the old Walt Kelly series where he drew characters in his Pogo comic strip that looked like Spiro Agnew & J. Edgar Hoover, etc....and that is HIGH PRAISE.

    "Depends on how you define true" indeed. Those people scare the crap out of me.

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    1. But at least they'll tell you what to do with it.

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  8. :-)

    I have nothing to add to this. That was wonderful.

    Pearl

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    1. I'm in my element with this subject. Oh, ew.

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  9. "Anything gets true with enough repetition." I swear this is the vision statement, value statement AND mission statement of certain media outlets and a portion of one political party. Well done, you poop expert, you.

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  10. I live in a national park. It's closed. Families from cars with out of state plates, pulled up on the grass beside gated entrances. Wondering if they made the long climb up the hill if they would also find a padlock on the privy. I suspect so.

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    1. Back up. You live where now? Your comment makes me sad, but holy cow, you live in a national park?

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  11. Many people have for many years associated bilge with government.
    Not so many could articulate it as well as this. You, ma'am, have brought clarity to the cesspit. All hail Murr!

    Also, you're funny.

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    1. Cesspits are remarkably lacking in clarity. I'm here to help.

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  12. As my career as a Navy Civil Engineer taught me: it all comes down to Public Works. Even the Republicans. Shit happens.

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    1. There's a whole bunch of it coming down the pike right now.

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  13. LOL Only YOU could have written this! Perfect!

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    1. Well, I'm the only one that did so far.

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  14. Far be it from anyone to say you don't know s**t! By jiminy you know it when you smell it!

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    1. You know, I never get accused of not knowing shit.

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  15. I bow to your output. And dub you St Murr of the pong-less pooh, patron saint of identifying just where the stench is strongest. Thank you.

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    1. I'm going to need an explanation of "pong-less." Soon.

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    2. As it sounds - without a pong, which means your nose can identify just where the stench(es) are coming from, since you have no distractions. Some people believe that their sh*t doesn't stink, but they are almost always wrong. So very wrong.

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    3. Pong is British slang (& therefore Aussie?) for "stink". I don't know how I know that, but I just verified it through the miracle of google.

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    4. Thank you, jenny o. "Without a pong" didn't mean anything to me, although it did stick a tune in my head: "Without a pong, the day would never end, without a pong the road would never bend; when things go wrong a man ain't got a friend, without a pong." So thanks for that.

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  16. I came back to get updated on the comments, and just have to say that your grandnephew is sure a cute little guy . Looks like he's tall for his age - he'll be bigger'n you in short order :)

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    1. Like that's a big deal. Yeah, isn't he?

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    2. "Like that's a big deal." But to have that time come before he even hits school age?? :)

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  17. Hey Murr, I just can't write this kind of shit. Inspired, pure genius. I take every single one of my hats off to you. Roth x

    P.S. Please don't let them vote for a Republican congress again.

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    1. I'm telling you, it ain't us here in Oregon. To be serious for half a second, we need to dismantle the gerrymandered districts that ensure incumbents are safe forever, and tweak a few other odd election details.

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  18. Seems like most of our congressional choices are shit-based. Congress will not change, as long as everyone is convinced that their own representative is just fine...it's those other districts that need to vote differently.

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  19. It has taken me years and years to say "shit" without blushing. My mother yelled it several times a day, but I go into trouble if I said it.

    The entire government needs an enema and a couple tablespoons of cod liver oil.

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    1. Bless yore heart. I never even heard the word until sixth grade, and then I thought my classmates had made it up. Unfortunately, I developed a world-class potty mouth as soon as I left home.

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  20. Has the government shut down Murr, too? Here it is Saturday morning and no new post yet. I despair.

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