Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Merry Christmas From Texas! Merry, Merry Christmas!


"It's a good June, and the holidays are coming early this year!" [actual quote]

The mood was festive indeed, as Governor Perry signed the Merry Christmas bill while surrounded by an oddly arousing combination of Santa Clauses and cheerleaders. No longer would the good citizens of Texas be sent to the slammer for wishing each other a merry Christmas.

"The birds are wingy, and our pants are high. Let's do some legislatin'!"

The Speaker was ebullient. "Hear, hear! Let's bang the seldom gavel and bloom the agenda train! What is our agenda, anyway, this fine good June?"

"Three things--water, some kind of uterus thingy, and--I can't remember the other one. Oh. If I could make a motion, before we wrap up this legislative and moral victory: I would like to propose an amendment to this bill. We're not done here. We need to protect all our free good speech, including 'Jiminy Christmas,' 'Lawsa Mercy,' and 'Jesus H. Christ on a stick,' as in 'Jesus H. Christ on a stick, it's hot,' or "Jiminy Christmas, it's thirsty down here.' As long as I'm governor, the good citizens of Texas will be free to express themselves as biblically as they want."

The gavel is banged twice to indicate optimism. "Old business?" the Speaker said, stopping just short of the third bang, when a hand went up.

"The Speaker recognizes the godless liberal from Austin."

"I'm a Unitarian Universalist," Rep. Howard said, "for Cripes Sakes."

"What did I just say? Ma'am. Please. We heard your prayer the other day, about the freedom to not have religion, if we wanted. Hey Henry," the Speaker called out to his aide, "how we doing with the counter-prayer?"

"The counter-prayer was deployed within minutes, sir, with a couple for backup--we're still ahead. Also we've got John 4:14 running in a loop on the scroll bar below the evening news for further protection."

Rep. Howard shook her head. "It has always been legal to say 'Merry Christmas,'" she said.

"And now it is even legaler."

"So I was just wondering what the governor meant by 'the holidays are coming early this year.' I am aware that bird migration has been disrupted and their breeding season is in danger of not synching properly with their food sources, which are blooming early due to climate change. Does this have something to do with that? Because..."

"The fair representative from Austin will be excused for her antique language. We don't have climate change. We straightened that out last session. What you might be referring to is the Fairweather Enhanced Opportunity Paradigm. Aw, don't be such a grumpytits! Change is good for business. Which brings us to our first item: water. We're just about out. And you know what that means. Opportunity! Where there is scarcity there is wealth. And water is the new oil."

"We haven't had any measurable rainfall for three years, Governor, and the aquifers have been drawn
Rep. Donna Howard, Austin
down to unsustainable levels. We can't keep it up."

"I'd like to assure Rep. Grumpytits that she is not now, nor will she ever be, personally aware of what I can and can't keep up. Ain't that right?" The governor shot a wink at the cheerleader contingent. "Let the record show Rep. Howard is going on about sustainability again. Good news, people! We have someone here who has offered to bottle us up some fine good Texas Aitch-Two-Oh."

"At a markup of 153%, governor! What kind of long-range..."

"Let the record show that Representative Grumpytits has made our point! Where else can we get that kind of bang for our buck? I'd like to introduce y'all to Mr. Slixter, CEO of the fine good corporation Mother Nature's Woo Woo Dew, over there between Dixie June and the nice Hispanic Santa Claus--raise your hand, there, Mr. Slixter--to whom we've just signed over our water rights in a closed session last night. Sorry you couldn't make it, Representative."

"Jesus Christ."

"You're welcome for that. And welcome to Texas," the governor grinned, pumping the hand of Mr. Slixter. He grinned back.

"Christmas sure came early this year."

"Like I just said! Boy howdy, Merry Christmas, and pass the Woo Woo Dew!"


54 comments:

  1. EPIC.

    And God save us from Texas.

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    1. They'd have seceded already, if they didn't need the federal aid for when cities blow up.

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  2. I expect they're just trying to prove the existence of hell.

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  3. Such a tender moment. You have reduced me to tears and made me thankful I no longer live there.

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    1. Not my home state. Just lived there for about 5 years in another life time.

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  4. Most of my family members live in Texas and I do believe you've captured it perfectly. Thank God I moved away, Godless liberal that I am. This would be funnier if it weren't so damn accurate, Murr. :-)

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    1. You too. Did you grow up there? You don't look Texan.

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  5. The Texas-type ignorance extends here to Georgia as well.
    Discouraging.
    And as someone once said in our paper, global warming doesn't care if we believe in it.

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  6. Hilarious. Rick Perry is thinking of running for President again, so save this one for possible re-posting.

    If Texas gets any drier the cowboys will have to trade in their horses for camels. But change is good!

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    1. Camels! Yee-haw! [trudge trudge trudge]

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    2. Uh oh...guess what day it is? Mike, Mike, Mike....what day is it?

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWBhP0EQ1lA

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    3. I know you can hear me! My fav current tv commercial, since they removed the little Darth Vader one.

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    4. I hadn't seen that one. God, we all know that guy, though.

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  7. I don't keep up with news the way I ought. How much of this is true and how much is Murr? If Texas DOES secede from the union, will we miss it?

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    1. KInd of sad that it's hard to tell, huh? The first quote and succeeding paragraph are right on the money. Rest of the dialogue (easily) imagined.

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  8. This is damnably close, I imagine.

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    1. I think I can hear it in my sleep.

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    2. Aw shucks! honey! You must them same voices like ol'Rick hears!

      Apparently, God sent the Governor a memo: "that voice in your head, Mr. Perry, is NOT me. Please take your meds."

      And it's not just Texas. This sort of crap is anywhere the fundamentalist hang their shingles.

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  9. A wise old speaker of the Texas House once said "Yeah, it might be possible to get all the idiots out of the Texas Legislature, but then it wouldn't be a representative body anymore."

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  10. Boy howdy, this sounds pretty much like I would expect it to. You have quite an ear for language. And logic.

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    1. I'm not sure it's a good thing to have an ear for that kind of logic.

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  11. We could give Texas back to Mexico, if they would have it.

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    1. I think you've got a really good idea, there.

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  12. Scary. And it seems that I have been calling some of our politicians by the wrong names. Texans. That's what they are...

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  13. Average markup of bottled water is more in the neighborhood of 10,000%. Apparently there were a generation or two of suckers born recently.

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    1. I think you're right. I should fix that. I must have been comparing the price of water to the price of oil.

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  14. I vote against secession of Texas - they just keep the comedy coming.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. Do WE get to vote on the secession of Texas?

      Here in Portland, we got a fault line that might secede us from the union all by itself one day.

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  15. Why am I reminded of my favorite Texan governor? Sadly, Ann Richards is gone, but her wit lives on:

    'You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.'

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    1. Isn't her daughter the head honcho of Planned Parenthood?

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  16. I'm curious; when did Santa Claus become the religious symbol for Christmas?!

    Also, did you notice the comment from one of these dudes who said the bill was about religious freedom, not freedom from religion. My little heathen heart was hurt by that.

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    1. No shit, doll, we have feelin's too. Word.

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  17. There's nothing so wicked as wilful ignorance. If we all have to go down the gurgler when the globe gets too hot, we can take some meagre comfort in knowing they are getting fried too. Small comfort indeed!

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    1. Yeah, that comfort is way too meager for me. I mean, it would be one thing if we all disappeared and left the rest of the biosphere alone, but...

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  18. On a related "Texas isn't alone" note: a 17 year old in Florida just shot and killed a man for threatening him with a stick. His 2 friends easily ran away, but under stand your ground there is NO obligation to seek to avoid confrontation. He will be charged with illegal possession. There should be a kiosk at Miami International Airport selling T shirts labelled "Welcome to Florida. UNARMED TOURIST. DO NOT SHOOT!" I doubt the Fl Board of Tourism will approve, but visitors should understand they are entering an armed camp. Only fair, don't you think?

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    1. I think you have the makings of a great commercial venture there. Somehow all the various massacres have managed to increase the weaponry around here and enshrine the ability--no, obligation--to use them.

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  19. I've lived in Texas for 17 years (originally from California) and get pretty tired of seeing the bumper stickers that say "Keep Christ in Christmas," so you can imagine my joy at seeing one that said "Keep the Devil in Deviled Eggs."

    Rick Perry is an A-1 douche nozzle, in my opinion.

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    1. GREAT BUMPER STICKER! Hey, this is as good a time as any to admit that I have never seen a douchebag.

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    2. Neither have I, but the mental image is of one of those silicone icing bags...

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  20. Christmas in July is quite popular downunder. the colder weather means people can do the whole "turkey with all the trimmings" dinner that doesn't go over so well in the summer. Pubs and Hotels, restaurants too get booked out quite early.
    Barbecues and cold foods are the usual fare here in December for the real Christmas.

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    1. I saw a picture of one of your Santas on a surfboard in a Speedo. It ain't right.

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  21. The above comment is completely irrelevant to your post of course, but I saw the word Christmas and was reminded of our Christmas in July goings on.

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    1. You know, I like to imagine nothing is REALLY irrelevant to any of these posts.

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  22. I am so thankful that you nice, sane Amurcans are keeping Texas all tucked down at the bottom of yourselves so that we don't get any seepage into Canuckistan up here. Although it might be too late for our Prime Minister, who has some darned weird ideas.

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    1. I actually have the same gratitude if not quite the same latitude.

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  23. Too bad all those young lives were wasted 150 years ago. Too late now though as it is spreading rapidly. I get the feeling that if the Southern states seceded, it would raise the IQ of the remaining states but over 150%. The education system seems to be working out as planned

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    1. I like their education system. In it, we all used to be able to play with dinosaurs.

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