Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Screwed


Republicans as a group strike me as having a much better grasp of the Big Picture than their opponents. Not the really big picture--not the one in which all the consequences of their agenda come into view. But within their narrow, profit-centered worldview, their strategic view is wide. Once a threat is detected, say, the possibility that science-driven policy might dismantle the fossil-fuel economy, they band together as one, distribute the script, and read off of it in unison. And that is how meaningful progress toward sustainability is thwarted. The goal was merely to "create doubt" about man-caused climate change, and in that they were wildly successful. Successful to the point that even a thoughtful commenter on this blog was moved to say I don't know; maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle; maybe we can find something to agree on and go forward; surely things aren't as urgent as the scientists keep saying it is. That's all the doubt you need to maintain the status quo, because getting us off this train wreck is going to take a ton of sacrifice and cause a ton of disruption. Of course, the middle-ground solution is a sham. It's as though flat-earthers are battling the round-earthers, and they get the people to think I don't know. Maybe it's shaped like a bowl?

So now a slightly different script has been supplied to the conservative lights, and this one is aimed straight at science in general. Because there is useful science, the kind with the promise of great profit in it, the kind any company like Monsanto or Merck would pay for, and then there is basic science, and basic science is often not in the Republicans' best interest. That's why the Bush administration tried to scour it out of the EPA. And, after all, the budget for basic science would buy two or three perfectly good days of war in Afghanistan.

Fortunately for the enemies of basic science, there is plenty of research that lends itself to ridicule, like the snail sex research. Why, they ask, grinning, are the taxpayers asked to pay for snail sex research? (The question is rhetorical. Nobody wants to hear an explanation.) Or why should we pay to find out about duck sex?

But oh, they made a big mistake there. Because they totally need the duck sex research. Evolutionary Biologist Patricia Brennan has discovered that the duck sex act has aspects found in no other animal. The male duck has an amazing, lymph-driven, explosive, spiral-shaped penis. He does not erect it and find someone to put it in. No. He keeps it inside and makes the pertinent contact with a female duck and it detonates. It unfurls inside her in a fraction of a second. It's ba-da-boom without the ba-da. And because his penis is spiral-shaped, he is truly screwing, or trying to.



But we all know how hard it is to screw something in if the threads are off. And the female duck, as it turns out, has evolved an elaborate vagina designed to thwart any male she is not interested in. She has cul-de-sacs built right in, branches that dead-end, segments that are righty-tighty where  he is lefty-loosey. His penis begins to go off and that's when the twat thickens. It takes a sudden angle his amazing exploding duck dick cannot negotiate, and in no time his semen is sequestered in a dead-end far away from the egg. The female, if she encounters a male she actually is interested in, can relax the whole contraption to enable the desired mate to be more successful.

In other words, when it comes to over-aggressive drakes, the female has ways of shutting that whole thing down.

This surely bolsters the otherwise risible contention of Todd Akin that conceptions from rape are very rare and, by extension, that women wanting an abortion must have been asking for it, deep down inside.

Mr. Akin was running for office at the time. His position was rigid and he tried to come from behind but it was no use. He, and Richard Mourdock (R-IN), and others propounding their own personal science, were shut down in 2012 in their quests for public office, and polls showed that they were opposed by a tide of women. We don't know what they're doing now or where their views are being spewed, but at least it's probably some dead-end where they can't do much harm, and not the United States Congress.

65 comments:

  1. No one except you could dare set out to express Republican anti-science policy in terms of duck porn.

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    1. Actually, I think it's been done. But not done right.

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  2. I am sure the male duck doesn't give a damn what she does with his sperm as long as he gets to 'screw her.'
    Thanks for keeping me up to date on the latest duck science. A lot better than thinking of snail sex. Aaaaa: that would imprint on my visual cortex all day - like a song you just can't get out of your mind.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. You've outdone yourself. I stand in awe. And I think those snails are awfully cute.

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    2. The snails ARE cute. OlBuzzard needs to look up a video of slug sex if he really wants something on his mind!

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  3. But the really great thing about snail sex is that if the snails get stuck together, they work together to GNAW OFF THE PENIS. And I think that holds a good lesson for our representatives.

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  4. "that's when the twat thickens"

    priceless

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  5. What Anvilcloud said about what you said. :-)

    And you??? Hilarious -- and you and I are in wild agreement here.

    Pearl

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    1. That is just the kind of agreement I want to be in with you.

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  6. This was EPIC. Snail sex AND corkscrew duck dicks. I bow to you.

    Sadly, the GOP have infinite replacements for Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock - Brian Nieves, GOP state senator from Missouri, the latest entrant in the quest for dumbest congress person.

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    1. Sounds like I'll have to look into the little feller. Thanks!

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  7. Snail sex. Duck penis. Snail sex. Duck penis. The twat thickens. Swear to God, Murr, sometimes you just leave me (- explosive duck penis?) at a loss for words. Explosive Republican duck penis? They work together to chew the penis off?

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    1. Yeah, this is going to take some investigation. I didn't even know they COULD get stuck together.

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. I haven't heard this about snails, but slugs certainly can get stuck and resort to chewing to get unstuck. Banana slugs have particularly large penises and it may happen that one or both (they are hermaphrodites) get stuck. Murr, in exchange for this epic post, I gift you "apophallation," which is the word that means chewing off the penis. I have no doubt that you will wield it well.

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    4. Oh, that was me, Murr. Am being thwarted by my log-in.
      --Pat Lichen

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    5. Apophallation. Damn, Pat, that is awesome sauce. Gotta figure how to work that into a casual conversation somehow. As a punishment, it would be second only to defenstration.

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    6. I totally knew that was Pat. Only a login could thwart a Pat. And Roxie, I would think your average male would opt for the defenestration. Oh, the pane!

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  8. Duck porn and mating snails !!! If my day goes downhill from the latter -- I'll at least take solace that I began my day with a giggle!

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    1. It would almost have to go downhill, right?

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    2. Actually it turned out to be a pretty interesting and fun day but not funnier than duck porn!

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  9. OMG. I'm laughing so hard I can't even think of anything to say, certainly nothing as witty as what I'm reading from your fan club. What's a gal to do but share it on FB? This is indeed EPIC - even for you who cunt hep herself from putting out EPIC tales - or is it tails?

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  10. Number one thingy: I must learn not to read your posts whilst eating, in this case, duck! Number two thingy: I must learn not to read your posts whilst eating because it's impossible to belly-laugh and chew at the same time. The results of trying same are not pretty.

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    1. Seriously, you're eating duck? Be careful. The males make their own gravy.

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  11. Hey Murr! I couldn't bring myself to watch the video, after recently seen a whale-dick documentary that left me feeling mildly inadequate. Thankfully, you have all the dicks anyone could ever want to see in Congress. Indigo x

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    1. Oh come on. It's only twelve seconds. You can last that long, dude.

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  12. I feel deprived. Said video seems not to exist anymore. Have the Republicans removed it?

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    1. Ack! Gone off mine too, but I'm in an airport and I don't know if everything's loaded. Try later? Or go to YouTube and. Search for duck penis.

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  13. And to think when I first found your blog that all I had in mind was entertainment. You deliver SO much more! I join the rest of those saluting your work.

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    1. Thank you! I do try for painless facting as often as possible.

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  14. "...when it comes to over-aggressive drakes, the female has ways of shutting that whole thing down." I see what you did there. I laughed, and then I shook my head because so many Republiducks still believe that about humans. Another classic Murr post!

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    1. We do have ways of shutting them down! Even legal ways.

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  15. Oh yeah, snail sex! I worked in a lab that used snails as the experimental animal (dissected out the "brain" [actually more of a ganglion] and tested drug effects on individual neurons. I raised the snails in a large lucite box with a screened top. I watched them mate for hours (they're snails, after all). The part that really fascinated was the "love dart" one would shoot at the other as foreplay. Seriously. And as far as the value of snail love darts in research, think "aphrodisiac".

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    1. Between you and the Gnawing of the Penis, I do believe we have some fresh material here.

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  16. Jesus. When I think about people expressing doubt about things like moving toward sustainability and the dangers of global climate change, or about the "legitimacy" of rape, I want to start screaming and never, ever stop.

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    1. The whole idea of rejecting sustainability makes my neurons flap.

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  17. There are definitely a number of Republicans who are in need of being seriously goosed - or should I say ducked?

    Great info, hilariously packaged.

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  18. OMG!! Well, this time I am speechless! (hand rising to forehead as I fall onto the fainting couch!) Mah word!!

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    1. And yet you will dream about ducks tonight.

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  19. Murr, you crack me up EVERY time! And the only good thing about the sexist anti-science Republicans is they give the rest of us something to laugh at. They are all twisted duckheads!

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    1. Yeah, that isn't really enough good about them, is it?

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  20. About the only slimy thing you didn't mention is Mr Weiner!
    I'd read elsewhere about the duck, but this is much funnier.

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  21. And now I can laugh about Republicans. At least sometimes. Thank you!

    Apropros of spiral peni and penis chewing, have you forgotten flatworm penis fencing? NatGeo has a quick video; google it.

    Looks like current politics, to me.

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    1. If I had ever heard of flatworm penis fencing, I most certainly would have remembered it. I assume it's not something to keep the penises penned in?

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    2. It's more like swordplay fencing. Except it's not play. Each flatworm tries to stab the other anywhere in the body with one of its two penises. The one that loses gets to be the mother.

      Can I add a link here?
      Here's NatGeo.

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  22. I now know far more than I ever wanted to about ducks and duck loving.
    Luv-a-duck!

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    1. No you don't. You know just the right amount.

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  23. A fascinating insight. Like the analogy.

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    1. Oh, sometimes this stuff writes itself.

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  24. Ah ha !! Duck pron sticky snails and politics Hmmmm
    Just glad the the stronger female group appears to be a gender that can make a difference !

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    1. Keep in mind we have to claim Sarah and Michele, so we don't always get anywhere.

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  25. My goodness, one of those wonderful posts when the comments are almost as funny!!

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  26. You and I are the lucky ones, Murr. We're old. We'll get off the planet before it all goes to shit. I'm so damn happy that I never had children. Those kids are the ones that are screwed.

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    1. You said it, sister. I think that all the time. Did you ever think you would have chillluns?

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  27. Okay, ducks have the thing cold on bizarrest and creepiest empennage, but have you ever seen the software on a tortoise? First time my leopard tortoise presented, I thought it had prolapsed its intestine all the way out to its chin. And then he ejaculated and cleared up the confusion.

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    1. Oh my. I imagine you had something to clear up too.

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