Saturday, April 20, 2013

Virginia Is For Lovers, Depending


Stuff keeps happening. Exxon had another oopsie oil spill, thankfully in Arkansas, which many of us cannot locate on a map, and just as a precaution the corporation arranged with the FAA to institute a no-fly zone over the site, so as to protect the cleanup crew from bombs and help contain the spread of facts. Unfortunately that means we do not have a good image of the particular damage inflicted. Oil in the waterways and soil is still thought of in some circles as a bad thing. Ideally, that much carbon should be pumped instead into the atmosphere, which is believed, for commercial purposes, to be infinite. Still, in spite of reassurances, I feel bad about the spill; this, and the decapitation of ancient mountains, and the extinction of species, and, really, a whole bunch of things.

That's why I was thrilled that a prominent politician in my birth state of Virginia (which has been for lovers ever since the late sixties) has come out swinging hard at "crimes against nature." Ken Cuccinelli is the attorney general and a candidate for governor. He's a Republican, too, so I was even more delighted that he was championing the environment.

The environment he was championing turned out to be smaller and of a more personal nature. Kenny would like to reinstate the laws against oral and anal sex. For everybody, even Regular People. Ken isn't getting any, and he doesn't think you should, either. This is the kind of thing you can do, if you're attorney general, and your girlfriend asks you to do her a personal favor that you think is icky.

Ken indicates the size of the problem.
There are still a number of states that have laws on the books concerning the so-called "crimes against nature." In Louisiana, for instance, the crimes are defined as "the unnatural carnal copulation by a human being with another of the same sex or opposite sex or with an animal." Interestingly enough, the statutes also explain that anal sex between humans should not be deemed a crime against nature when done under any of the circumstances involving rape. I'm hoping they mean it's still considered rape, and not that it's sort of natural. And in Louisiana, in order to be considered a crime, emission is not necessary, just genital contact. However, I think as long as it's going to be illegal anyway, you might just as well finish.

Many of these laws were thrown out after the famous Supreme Court case in 2003, Lawrence v. Texas, in which it was decided that "nonremunerative sex between consenting adults in private" was protected by the Constitution, although you might want to throw in some latex just to be on the safe side. In other words, anal and oral sex are legal as long as you don't get anything out of it.

So let's get back to Virginia. In Virginia, it's a class 6 felony to engage in anal or oral sex, and can net you up to five years in prison. If you so engage with your child, grandchild, sibling, or parent, you're looking at even more time. And you can get a sentence of up to twenty years if your love interest is a child or grandchild between the ages of 13 and 18. You're way better off nailing your darlings before they're teenagers.

Mr. Cuccinelli believes the unnaturalness of oral sex is self-evident. He is not, he says, targeting the homosexual population. But he did state that homosexual acts--as opposed to homosexuality--are wrong. As a liberal, I make some of the same kinds of distinctions. I don't mind if you are an asshole, as long as you don't do assholey things.

Would you like to save some habitat? Help some wildlife? Advocate for environmental protection? As it happens, I'm participating in the Birdathon again this year, a benefit for the Audubon Society which does all those things, and you can sponsor me by following this link to my pledge page. I wrote a special poem for the occasion, and you can find it there.

53 comments:

  1. The world has become a place that seems to make no sense at all. And as a fellow planet dweller, I join you in your cause to save some wildlife, Murr. You're all right, ya know, whether or not you get any. :-)

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    1. I love that at least you think I'm all right, although, coming as it does from a girl who jumps out of perfectly good airplanes, I don't know how much stock to put in your assessment.

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  2. Wait....you are raising money to encourage birds to *gasp!* perform acts of a sexual nature? After reporting Cucchinelli's "assholey" act (illegal under this proposed legislation, I presume?) you are taking a big chance at being charged with aiding an abetting a class 6 felony in many areas of our wonderful country. Who knows what deviant behaviors those birds may have. It's just plain ishy.

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    1. I've just been reading about ducks and getting way too good an idea of what deviant behaviors those birds may have. You raise a good point.

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  3. He wants to make oral sex illegal? You mean now we can't even talk about it?

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  4. I might choose to donate, not be a detractor
    But future deductions might be a factor

    Is Audubon a 501 (c) 3 corporation?
    This knowledge might help you secure my donation

    I looked on the site, couldn't find what I wanted
    It seems that this knowledge ought to be vaunted

    So please let me know from your deep understanding
    It might get you more shekels, or farthings, depending

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    1. She's also a wicked good sculptor. Check out my SALAMANDER HARDWARE!

      The outfit is in that tax status, indeed,
      So fling out those shekels, or suet and seed!

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  5. "I don't mind if you are an asshole, as long as you don't do assholey things."

    Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Best comeback ever! Please may I use it?

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  6. Hehe. You're on fire there girl. He, on the other hand, is an equine quadruped's rectum.

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    1. It always sounds better in almost-Latin.

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    2. Sir, you are insulting my horses!

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  7. When I lived in Richmond in the Mid-1970's, we would always have a good laugh, because it was then illegal to sell (and or serve) alcohol to 'homosexuals, pimps, panderers, and prostitutes'. (It was a phrase that just rolled off the tongue, perhaps with different wording.) But don't tell Ken Cuccinelli, because he may want to revive that law as well.
    Part of the real problem may be that Ken is a really handsome guy, and I always wonder if he feels threatened.........

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    1. Now I REALLY want to know what a panderer is. Off to look it up.

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  8. I suppose he considers the books balanced if he adds as many laws against sex as there are for gun ownership.
    An arsehole going off half-cocked.

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  9. Do the 4 tiger finches I just adopted count toward your total? You have seen their pix so you could cheat a little maybe..

    I love what you are doing, Murr and I will support your cause to the bitter end....hmmmm don't tell that Va. guy I said that.

    Just went and made a donation.....I've got the money, Honey, if you've got the time.

    Happy Birding.

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    1. Aww! No, your finches remain your own--in fact, last year we counted a trumpeter swan and then had to uncount it when we realized it was sort of someone's pet. A very ethical bunch, this team is. But we love your money, Lo, almost as much as we love you. (Not really close to as much as we love you, really.)

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  10. No oral sex? Too many rules...I'm staying out of Virginia.

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    1. Well, to be fair, that's only ONE rule, right there. But you're right. There are others. Policing it must be a bitch.

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  11. It seems that when conservative lawmakers come out against things that are personal of nature, they get caught doing these things in restrooms or are paying someone for the service.

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    1. You'd better believe it. We're waiting for that other shoe to drop, maybe on the next stall over.

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  12. We would surely all be better off if perverted politicians paid more attention to the habitats of birds and bees rather than their sex lives.

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    1. I'd be willing to say that "if it's good for birds, it's good for everybody" would work just fine as a protocol.

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  13. Amen to all the above.... makes me more ashamed o' my adopted state, I mean Commonwealth. KC is just a scary person any way you slice it-

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    1. I left it just when we were for lovers. I can't be held responsible to what y'all done to it afterwards.

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  14. Considering the construction of birds' uh, parts, it's conceivable that they could find it illegal to do their lovin' in VA, too.

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    1. As long as their lovin' is conceivable, natural selection will favor it.

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  15. Will Crimes Against Nature attract longer or shorter prison sentences than rape?

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  16. I'd be embarrassed to come out in favor of that kind of thinking.

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    1. It's really hard to imagine that this is what anyone thinks must be done. Where does that come from?

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  17. It's good that anal sex isn't a crime against nature when it occurs in the course of rape. That would make the job so much tougher for rapists.

    Honestly, how do these politicians look themselves in the mirror?

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  18. I'm baffled, which is pretty common for me, but these idiots... I'm at a loss for words. But take my word for it, I'm shaking my head and tisk tisking.

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    1. Personally, I'm hoping Mr. Cuccinelli gets licked in the upcoming election.

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  19. Hey Murr! Forgive me, but if North Korea do get one through, I'm kinda hoping in takes out all the assholes of all political/religious/sexual persuasions. Could you round them all up and let Young Kim know where you're putting them, please? Thanks, Roth x

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    1. I'm sorry, I'm still struggling to evict the vision that came to mind when you said "round up all the assholes."

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  20. Hi, Murr… I had just turned off the computer and as always, read a few blogs I have bookmarked on my iPhone. Yours is one. You put a smile on m'face and I like that for a nightcap. ~ smiling

    When I read this post, I had to get back up and turn the computer back on to respond.

    I live in Little Rock Arkansas ~ by choice. Mayflower, where the oil spill occurred is about 30 minutes from my house. Arkansas is bordered by Texas, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Missouri, Tennessee and Mississippi .

    It is a gorgeous little state ~ http://www.arkansas.com/

    I have done several posts on my little State... here's just one ~ not far from the spill …

    http://amigoingsomeplace.blogspot.com/2013/02/cedar-falls-petit-jean-state-park.html

    Here is a report on the oil spill … http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/10/arkansas-oil-spill-health-_n_3045610.html

    Here are some pictures… http://www.thv11.com/news/photo-gallery.aspx?storyid=257425

    You are helping …. "Would you like to save some habitat? Help some wildlife? Advocate for environmental protection? As it happens, I'm participating in the Birdathon again this year, a benefit for the Audubon Society" … that's great.

    However, you might want to google about the wildlife this oil spill's effect has had on our wildlife ~ not to mention the children in the neighborhood ... NEIGHBORHOOD ... where this spill occurred.

    Arkansas is very much a part of the United States …. "Exxon had another oopsie oil spill, thankfully in Arkansas, which many of us cannot locate on a map,"

    jeeeeeezus h christ

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    1. Sing it, sister. I always hope when I write in the belittling tone of those who do not care--Exxon, in this case--it is understood that my own outrage is obvious. There's nothing funny about it. Yes. The "oopsie" oil spill tore right through a neighborhood. And even if it had not spilled into the driveways and backyards of good humans, which it did, I count the neighborhoods of wildlife to be sacred, right down to the bugs and grubs. We're being taken for a giant ride by the extraction industries, and the road we're on is going right off a cliff. Ask Appalachians downhill from the coalmines how much the profiteers care about them.

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    2. I have been singing it for a very long time ... you might also be interested to learn that Arkansas is a leader in green building ~

      http://www.greenbuildingcompanies.com/sl/arkansas-green-building-companies

      to me .... there should be no area that an oil spill or destruction of nature should thankfully occur... every state has its charm ~ I've been to 44 of them ~ spent a couple of months this past summer in your neck of the woods as well as lived in Portland in the early 80s.

      Not an ugly or undeserving state have I encountered ... or any ... any part of nature that shouldn't be protected.

      The only way to stop this outrageousness is campaign reform as well as for people everywhere to understand that we are all part of nature and destroying it is destroying this planet... all of it.

      There are also a huge bunch of us southern folk who could care less about people having sex in the butt or licking each other's private parts .... I feel the same way about that as I do with people who think they should tell me and every woman what do with our bodies ... because we're too stupid to make our own decisions ~ not just Arkansas women or southern women ... but all women.

      outlaw sex ... period. no good can come from it ~ same way with dancing ~ leads to all manner of bad shit

      people and their mindsets

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    3. I like that you mentioned campaign reform. Among other things.

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  21. Ah, Kookinelli... me thinks he doth protest too much.
    When he's not policing women's vagina's, he is worrying about who is doing what in the crotch department. He brings new meaning to the word crotchity.... anal fixation?
    VA is for Lovers only if they are straight, in the missionary position, consenting, married (one man and one woman) adults.
    I can't wait 'til he gets caught - and it will happen!

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  22. I'm just annoyed that this year I have to get out and stump for a candidate I don't particularly like in order to prevent Mr. Cuccinelli's becoming our governor. Never will forgive him for filing that suit against the health care bill. He seems to be unaware that a 3rd-world style medical mission occurs in his state every July.

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    1. See? The medical tents come every July. Y'all don't need socialized medicine.

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  23. “No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.” ― Mark Twain.
    Do your politicians have nothing to do?
    Does America enjoy being the laughing stock of the rest of the world (assuming they could find it on a map, like Arkansas). Honest to god, if you didn't have nuclear weapons, we would just build a fence around you to keep you from spreading.

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