Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Thirty Inches. Or So They Say.

In the last week no fewer than five friends have sent me the same article about the penis snake that someone found in the Amazon. I'd like to think they sent it to me because I am a curious soul, although my mother might have had an entirely different take on it. From the photographs it appears that the penis snake in question is thirty inches long, in a relaxed state.

It is appropriate to send a photograph like that to me because I am a certified member of the Love Generation. We in the Love Generation liked to express ourselves with anything we had that could jiggle or flop out, and as a result have probably seen more than our share of genitals. In the early seventies I engaged with enough penises to come to a few conclusions, among them that in fact size does matter, at least at the extremes. I still wonder about the well-being of a fellow I was briefly acquainted with who had to hunt around in his pants for his, and who occupied crevices with all the subtlety of a dime in the sofa cushions.

Photo by Linda Freedman
We called ourselves the Love Generation in order to set ourselves apart from our parents who, having suffered through the Great Depression and fought a great war, settled down to the soulless work of maintaining a home and nurturing children and sending them to college and otherwise demonstrating no aptitude for love at all, at least as we celebrated it, lying around with our attractively taut skin in a pile of tits and daisies and penises and doing as little work as possible. We were all about love, right up until we could get T-bonds at 18%.

Mom captioned this "Mary after a salamander"
At any rate, my reaction to the 30-inch penis snakes that were filling my inbox should have been entirely predictable to those who know me. "That," I said immediately, "is not a snake, but a caecilian." My familiarity with caecilians is, in fact, my most distinguishing feature. I have known about caecilians since I did a report on amphibians in the fifth grade. Then as now, I was into salamanders, but was encouraged to do wider research, and that is how I came to know that there are four kinds of amphibians: your frog, your toad, your salamander, and somebody else's caecilian. You don't run into caecilians all that much, and when you do, you're likely to mistake them for worms. They're blind, they're legless, they poke around in holes in the ground, and quite frankly they are not as attractive as the other members of the class. But they are more member-like.

The particular caecilian currently making the rounds on the internet is probably not new to science at all, but has risen to prominence because of its value in spacing out the cat videos. It has been named, of course. Something about finding a 30-inch penis makes people want to plant a flag.

In any case, this was not a recent discovery, but several months old. Whoever located the penis snake in the bottom of a drained lake evidently decided to sit on it for a while.

87 comments:

  1. I enlarged the black and white hippie photo and noticed that there is a penis coming up from the bottom right of the photo trying to get into that girl's pants. Did you know him?? Is he the dime in the sofa guy?

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    1. Most assuredly NOT the dime in the sofa guy. That's me. And Max's foot.

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    2. Some always said it was a foot, but usually it was about 1/2 that.

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    3. Well I was in a position to know.

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  2. Why is everyone in that photo so chirpy when it appears the guy in the middle is hanging himself? OMG, is that David Carradine???

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    1. Hey, don't knock it until you've GACK GACK GACK

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  3. I also couldn't get over the guy in the middle with a noose around his neck. I was a member of the hippie generation, but I don't member anything like that picture. Your post brought back memories...

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    1. These days, since my memory self-erases within seconds, those are the only kind of memories I have.

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  4. Just looks like a badly made uncooked sausage to me.

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    1. Well, that could be another name for, uh, both of them.

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  5. Replies
    1. Great. Now I have to look up caecilian sex, because I am a curious person.

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  6. Looks like two girls and 7 guys, one of whom is a bit unclear on the concept of being well-hung. I would be chirpy in that setting as well. Maybe he's trying that partial asphyxiation orgasm thing.

    If I ever encountered a penis the color of that snake, I would run screaming.

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    1. Three girls and six guys. I'm not going to ask which one you missed, because it might not bode well for me.

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  7. Replies
    1. As long as you can still find your A with both hands, I won't worry about you.

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  8. As if there isn't enough competition for guys with little stumps, now there are thirty inch penis snakes out there to compete with.

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  9. I am truly impressed with your wisdom and knowledge of legless amphibians. I thought I had a pretty good working critter knowledge but had never heard of caecilians. Awesome!

    It is true that size does matter in the extremes. ;)

    Besides the disturbing noose, I noticed it looks like that guy on the far right has his foot affectionately or sneakily between that blonde girl's legs while he's taking a toke off something or other. Those were the days--LOL!

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    1. Uh, that is my .....foot and it is placed with a great degree of affection. And, alas, I am inhaling what is probably a Marlboro (ugh).

      I gave up smoking 22 years ago and women some years prior to that (through no fault of Murr's).

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    2. It might have been Linda's fault, though.

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    3. And Max, it may not have been my fault, but I had a hand in it. As it were.

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    4. Lions and Tiggers AND Hands OH NO!

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    5. Um, this is the point where I shall remain diplomatically silent.

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    6. Ed definitely had a part in it! And for that I'm eternally grateful.

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    7. Certainly a high point in my life, but I sobered up in the morning.

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  10. Most of us guys will have feelings of inadequacy after seeing this.

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  11. "Dime in the sofa cushions" - buwahaha! Yep, size does matter - and our caecilian friend matters more than most.

    I'm shutting up now - gotta go and unload a tremendous burden of obscene jokes and double entendres.

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  12. Had to look up the rubber boa to see if it was one of your cacaewhatchamas. Nope. It's a snake. Now I'm sad that I can't say I have intimate knowledge of a penis snake's cousin.

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    1. Uh...I've gotta ask.... No, I don't.

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    2. God, Bill, if you don't ask, I will.

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  13. I aspired to be part of the Love Generation, but I already had a job and I was still a good Catholic girl, so mostly I just dug the music and wore bell-bottoms on weekends. Far out, man.

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    1. Thanks for making ME laugh out loud!

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    2. Not disqualifications!
      EEEGHT! Thanks for playing!

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  14. Cat videos. Thank God for caecilians. One more cute fluffy video and I'm gonna show the world my one-eyed-viper and that'll give 'em something to talk about.

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  15. Hmmm... danged if that girl on the right doesn't look familiar somehow ...

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  16. It's true- she does look vaguely familiar. I'm sitting here feeling really crummy because no one sent me a picture of the penis snake and I'm known for my love of such things. Why, I took them around with Traveling Zoo into elementary schools and nursing homes when I worked for LPZ. I'm a professional handler and nobody sent me a photo, for pete's sake! Ah, well. Took my mind off my face until I laughed so hard it hurt.

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    1. You could have said I was a professional handler back then too, but I never got paid.

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  17. At first glance at the photo on your blog I thought you were starting a XXX rated site!!!
    Phew! I do not like the name "penis" snake...let's see, maybe they could rename it the gray wanger!!!!! LOL

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    1. You know, hardly anybody likes the word "penis." What is it about that word?

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    2. It sounds like a diminuitive of penal. Evokes the term "teensy," rhymes with machinist, cornice,bonus and imprimis, a term that has Indo-European roots.

      Oh, lord, where was I going with this?

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    3. I dunno, Nance, but I'd follow you anywhere.

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  18. Penis snake? A circumcised snake? And I didn't get any in my emails...sob. I'm out of the loop.

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  19. Now what would really make sense is if someone mixed the penis snake photos with the pussy cat photos...

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  20. This post nearly had me choking, which brought back a whole 'nother set of memories.
    Penis snake, trouser snake... I'm too old for either reptiles or amphibians. But I will always have my memories.

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    Replies
    1. I hope I can say the same thing. Beginning to wonder.

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  21. Replies
    1. You'll have to settle for book-l'arnin' because you don't have any where you are.

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  22. Caecilians?

    Are they also involved in organized crime and slotted for a new series on HBO?

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    1. No. These guys are strictly six feet under.

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  23. Rita's impressed with your knowledge of legless amphibs. Me, I'm much more impressed with you knowledge of members! I unfortunately had to live the Love Generation fairly vicariously. Just when things were getting good, I ended up at Fort Bragg receiving combat training from Airborne Rangers. What a waste of a golden age!

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    1. Aw, man. And then the rest of us spit on you when you came home.

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  24. All this has served to do is to make me feel inadequate. Oh, and thanks for clearing up about snakes and caecilians. Now I shall sleep more easily at night.

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    1. When you'd really rather be interrupted?

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  25. Well, I have a way to make Mr. Penis Snake feel like a mere piker, en enfant terrable.

    Go to You Tube and google "tapir penis"

    You're welcome. April H.

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    1. Holy crap. That should come in handy if you wanted to screw someone in the next room.

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  26. I've been away. I think I missed a segue back there somewhere. But, wow, you've come a long way, baby!

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    1. Where the HELL have you been, young lady?

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    2. Tiling? Faux painting? Inhaling butt-loads of metallic spray paint? Lost in Pinterest?

      Nobody would let me move so I decided to stay put and change everything in the local vicinity. All at the same time. It's very artsy, really. You'd approve.

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    3. I already know I would. Pics please.

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  27. Murr. If I have one regret in life, it is that I did not read this post the second it came across my transom. Here I am, the last girl to the party, wheezing quietly at 5:21 AM, loving every perfectly-turned word, the dime in the sofa cushions, and the wham-bam thank you ma'am last line. EEEEE God this is perfect and I am going to share it with my sixteen gazillion adoring Facebook friends until YOU have that many, too. Assuming you want that many. Which may not be a safe assumption.
    One might think we were split from the same ovum, looking at that photo of you geekin' out in the woods. But I'm afraid you got the funny half of our brain.
    Just love you.

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    1. I just love you right back. And I'm super happy your regrets are so manageable.

      God knows I need more friends. The pork chop around my neck isn't working.

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  28. I am really, really sorry to make the comment count move up from 69 but I have to tell you that while I came here expecting a good laugh (which I got, natch) I am also pleased as punch (a) to learn that there is such a thing as a caecilian and (b) to have my hunch that that trouser snake was no snake confirmed.

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    1. I think a good trouser snake could give someone a pretty good hunch, though.

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  29. I'd say the guy in the centre of the photo had a major hang-up. Not good for someone in the Love Generation. But good for his psychiatrist.

    As for that cer . . . whatever it's called, it's ugly. And it's probably a killer. Just be careful around that picture, eh.

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    1. Oh, now. You should see the bright blue ones. All right, I do think they leave a lot to be desired.

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  30. Hey Murr! Good grief, a zombie donkey dick! Tho possibly its circulation is poor? Thanks for waving it at us. Roth x

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  31. All this banter about a penis snake...am I going to be the only one that remarks snakes have TWO penises?

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  32. Great picture. I recognize most of cast. Feel like I should remember them all. Sigh...

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    1. Double sigh. I should too. I don't. Wuz it the drugs?

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  33. Bahahaha! Best closing line of all time!

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  34. The guy with the bandana on his head is beautiful. And the girl in the floral dress knows it. Look at that smirk!

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