Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It's A Cattleastrophe


It is my duty to report that there is a herd of frozen cows inside a little hut in Colorado and there's talk of blowing them up. It's an old abandoned miner's hut, and only recently someone made his way up there and noticed, to his surprise, that it was filled with frozen cows. It is assumed that they wandered into the cabin and then couldn't find their way out. They starved to death after running through the stale Cheez Doodles from the summer hikers and then they froze solid. Which presents a disposal problem. Someone has suggested that the cows might be removed using explosives. Well, the steaks couldn't be higher. The situation will only get less attractive as the weather warms up.

Lots of folks probably assume cows are really dumb to be unable to find their way out of a hut they found their way into, but this sort of thing is not unusual. We go wherever we're attracted, and it's difficult for us to take the long view and figure out what might be best for us. So the original cow probably wandered into the hut out of curiosity or to get out of the wind or check for Cheez Doodles, and the other cows followed soon behind, because cows find other cows comforting. Then they trudged around in circles for a while, but each time they passed the open door there was another cow right nearby and that was more attractive than going back out in the wind. The colder they got, the more they bunched up, and bunched-up cows have a tough time negotiating a narrow doorway. Eventually they trudged slower and slower until they iced over. Cows aren't real zippy to begin with and it probably took a while to notice their condition, especially if they were still standing up.

It's the same deal with moths. It's not in their best interest, but to a moth they will head towards the porch light like it's a little moon, and it doesn't matter how many of their peers have been burnt to lint. Theoretically they could quit at any time but they keep going for one more hit of juicy photons, and there's no reasoning with them.

Or take dogs. Any dog tied to a tree with a twenty-foot tether will wrap himself around that tree until he has nowhere to go. I have yet to see one figure out how to free himself. Even a border collie that defuses bombs and plays chess in his spare time will find himself snapped right to the trunk of a tree and do nothing about it but pull and whimper. He wants out. That's away from the tree. He's not going to point himself in an unwinding position.

And us. People are supposed to be smart, but all we know is that we've screwed up big time, and we have just about run out of planet to destroy, and we're in really big trouble, with our oceans wrecked, our fish depleted, our air poisoned, our systems falling apart. Our own muscles slide away, irrelevant, while we each wield the power of 500 horses as though it is our natural birthright. Right next to us is the warm cow of convenience, and we'll never find the way out of our predicament no matter how obvious it is.

Thanks to the fine crew at Gartner's Meats, who would know just what to do.
As for the cows, it seems to me that a posse of butchers with saws could take care of the problem in a way that benefits everyone, but since someone has suggested a detonation, that's probably what we'll get. I don't know if it will work. I do know that whoever came up with the idea has a death grip on a Y-chromosome.

58 comments:

  1. I greet the news that you have put up a new post with joy and anticipation. Never disappointed. Thank you. I had heard about the dilemma with the cattle and like you had assumed that the blow-em-up option came from someone with an excess of testosterone.

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    1. These days, there's no telling WHAT we'll put into the atmosphere.

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  2. "the warm cow of convenience" is a sexy beast, isn't she?

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    1. I've got heifer mind to agree with you.

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    2. Heifer mind. Wow! That's got to be even calmer than zen mind.

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  3. An explosion in a log cabin full of frozen cattle....instant beef kabobs. "The warm cow of convenience" gives something to think about.

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    1. That's right--with the hut, you'd get skewers, too!

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  4. That idea came from the same gentlemen that utter "nuke'em" as a solution to conflicts.

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    1. They're all the same gentlemen, huh?

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    2. If their solution is "nuke'em" - they ain't (any of 'em) gentlemen.

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  5. I had NOT heard of this.

    And it's just too early to think of anything witty to say about it, other than what you said being everything I would wish to say about it...

    Coffee...

    Pearl

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    1. Oh me too. All y'all get up earlier than I do and I'm sucking coffee right now trying to come up with something decent to say. I do believe I am proving that right now. I raise my mug to you Pearl.

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  6. I never know what nuggets of wisdom will be uncovered when I read your blog, Murr. There's always something new to learn about. Exploding cows is a new concept! :-)

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    1. Would that it were, Djan. But I'm telling you right now you do NOT want to read about the other exploding cow stories.

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    2. But then again, there are always the exploding whale stories - a local favorite!

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  7. Why waste money on dynamite? Just channel the run-off from the nearest pig farm under the hut, and the whole thing will blow up in due course.

    Or they could just put the Oregon State Highway Division on the case.

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    1. Infidel, my man, did you happen onto Murrmurrs after I wrote about that incident?

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    2. Apparently so.....Nice idea about Limbaugh, anyway.

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  8. Yes, I sense a pungent whiff of Y-chromosome about the plans for explosion. But it seems to me shreds of exploded cow spread over a large area won't smell any better than a pile of dead cows once it all thaws out...

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    1. Upon further research, I discover that they were more interested in spreading out the bear smorgasbord so that they wouldn't be as inclined towards Hiker for dessert.

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  9. If the cowpoke hadn't left the door open in the first place none of this would have happened and we wouldn't have to worry about Y chromosomes or Y not. I'll bet he leaves the seat up too.

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    1. I wonder if he WANTED to attract a cow, come to think of it. A slow one.

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    2. If so, his ploy worked, better than expected.

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  10. The meat of a critter that has starved to death and then frozen probably isn't suitable for anything but pink slime. But yes, the warm cow of convenience does distract us from other options. Would it have been better if they had gone out to freeze individually in the winter?

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    1. I wonder if they do ANYthing individually. Anyway, according to the Forest Service, it would have been way better if they'd gone out to freeze individually. Possibly not for the cows.

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    2. Ah, but better for the Forest Service because now they have a cabin full of dead cattle and that's a damn nuisance. Still, I don't think explosives are the answer.

      Someone should send them the footage of the Oregon whale that was intended to be dispersed with explosives.

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    3. Roxie, it seems to me that you missed an opportunity to crack wise about the man proudly posing with his meat. I'm surprised at you.

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  11. "Herd of frozen cows"? Why, yes, I have now, thanks to this post :)

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  12. Blowing up the hut filled with frozen cows? Aren't they horrified by the idea of smoking cow chunks falling down from the sky afterwards?

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    1. Horrified? I think a sizeable chunk of the population would think that sounded like heaven. The remainder would pray for celestial bacon.

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  13. Murr, I had heard the story about the exploding whale before, but thought it was done in Port Angeles, Washington. Blowing up the cows doesn't make any better sense. It sounded like the prime concern was attracting bears to the cabin once the cows began to defrost. But blowing up the cows won't remove them from the area...

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    1. Depends on the explosives, though, doesn't it?

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    2. ooo - they could try those new nuclear hand grenades!

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  14. Awwww.... those poor frozen cows. And suddenly I'm craving a burger.

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  15. blowing up cows? Truly a man's solution to any problem.

    This was another awesome Murr Brewster post.

    Couldn't they just burn it all down? Would smell great for hours, and the sales of steaks and burgers would 'blow up' in the nearby towns.

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    1. I think it's a more sensible approach, but it doesn't have as much 'zazz, I guess.

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  16. Hey Murr, I wandered into an unlocked Domino's takeout place when it was closed. I didn't make it out til the following day, when I was distracted by the pizza box in my hands. Pity Indigo, he's one dimensional. Roth x

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  17. And by the way, you somehow vanished off my blogroll when I bought my domain. Sorry 'bout that, I never stopped loving you. Indigo x

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    1. Pleased to know you are master of your domain! Thanks for reminding me to put YOU on my blogroll. I am very negligent in housekeeping details.

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  18. I would think a lot of barbecue sauce applied before torching the cabin would be a viable solution. This may not work without a half dozen kegs of beer, however.

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    1. I think a few kegs of beer can brighten up most any situation.

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  19. You do know your cows - sounds like something they would do. We have a herd of Devon - the Aristocrats of the cattle world - came over on the Mayflower with the Pilgrims!! But still - they are not now, nor will they ever be - Mensa members! (Although they frequently prove to be smarter than my husband when it comes time to moooove them!)
    I loved the suggestions for BBQ sauce and burning 'cause they'd smell so good!!!

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    1. My ancestors came over on the Mayflower. I'm not sure that made them aristocrats, though.

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  20. Since links to video of the whale seem to have vanished, here's one:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6lTSxJvR4w

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  21. Yum! BBQ at your place? I'm in.

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    1. Dave's in charge. You can be grateful for that.

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  22. Where there are cows, there's gone be bull. Happens all the time. As in the suggestions for dealing with this-here problem.

    What I can figure out is why nobody noticed the cattle were missing in the first place. I mean, it takes more than a couple of hours for cattle to die from lack of food and water. Did someone simply ignore the disappearance and write these off as "acceptable loses from coyote predation." Or something like that. Sheesh!

    Ya gotta wonder who's in charge sometimes.

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    1. These here are good ole Amurrican Western cows. Ain't nobody checkin' on them ever' day. Them is rugged individuals.

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  23. Oh Murr, how cud you? I am udderly verklempt at the thought of those poor cows, even if your "cattleastrophe" pun cheers me no end. Well, better hoof it out of here...the weeds are calling.

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  24. Oh Murr, how cud you? I am udderly verklempt at the thought of those poor cows, even if your "cattleastrophe" pun cheers me no end. Well, better hoof it out of here...the weeds are calling.

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    1. Ding ding ding ding! We have a winner! I was thinking of having a prize for the first person to use "udderly" but unfortunately thinking was as far as I got.

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  25. And, of course, being an Oregonian, you/we know in particular that blowing up large mammals is a whale of a horrible idea.

    ( For you non-Oregonian commenters, clarification here.)

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    1. I do indeed! See my reply to Infidel's (#7) comment, above.

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  26. I had read about the problem and proposed solution. Why they can't bury them is beyond me. Cut them up with a chainsaw. Backhoe and a couple tons of lime. Or is the cabin a jillion miles from anywhere?

    Great post, Murr. None of us are too bright, neither man nor beast. You pegged us right.

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