Saturday, April 21, 2012

And My Number Is 634-5789

Picture the Amish gentlewoman at Sears, looking over the Kenmore dryers, her face etched in regret and resignation, deeply suspicious that her purchase might cause her to lose more than she gains. It's the classic tradeoff: warm fluffy sheets in exchange for a whole way of life. Throw some stretch jeans on that woman and you've got me at the big-box store trying to find someone to talk to me about mobile cellular telephones.

He's not easy to find. There are no sales associates in the store who were alive before cell phones. They stare at you mute when you explain that on your own phone you have to go out to the front yard and turn the crank on the spark generator to get enough steam to put a call through. They have no point of reference to know you're kidding, and no idea how to react, and they go limp with embarrassment.

If you take all the people who have never owned a cell phone and lay them end to end, they can all hear each other, even without the string and cans. It's an exclusive group, and we cannot abandon it lightly. Dave and I pretty much knew we'd get cell phones eventually, and have seen many times when one would come in handy. I've got a trip coming up and now seems to be the time to pull the trigger. I once covered the better part of two airport concourses before I found a pay phone. I dumped in quarters and called my ride, while she was at the curb watching me do it and waving.

On our last trip, we rented a car. I asked the winsome twenty-year-old at the desk if she had a New Mexico map for me, and she produced a nice simple version on what looked like a paper placemat. We walked out to our car, which was already running, and she handed me a plastic souvenir knob and wished us well. I got in, and then realized there was no key in the ignition, and I didn't know how to turn the car off, which I anticipated having to do, so I went back in the office to ask. She explained that the plastic knob allowed me to push the button. Oh! I explained that my car didn't have any doo-dads on it at all. It was a tiny little thing with a steering wheel and go-and-stop pedals and nothing else--it's not much more than a big helmet. If I had any more questions, the nice young lady said, I could give her a call. No I can't, I said. We don't have cell phones. She looked stricken. Did we know where we were going? Did we bring our own GPS? I told her no, but we were fine, with that nice map she gave us.

But, she said. She looked worried. Oh, she was worried. She couldn't have looked more upset if she had been laid up with a busted foot and had to send MeeMaw out into the snowstorm on the bum mule to fetch Doc Pritchart. And it was absolutely clear to us that she herself had no idea how to get to Los Alamos using just her own neurons and a placemat map.  She may not get lost, with all her tools, but she has lost something.

But when we finally made the jump, I always thought, we would try to find the dumbest possible phone. You know, one that can only allow you to talk to someone in Thailand while you're lugging out the trash. I have no idea what texting is for. And Dave doesn't have the paws for it in any case. It would be like trying to play hop-scotch in clown shoes.

Then the iPhone came out and it was pretty clear that it was a wonderful item. You could point it at the sky and find out what stars you were looking at. Name a tree by taking a photo of a leaf. Dave could  hook up to the site where he snoops on people's houses and finds out what they pay in taxes and how many bedrooms they have. He does that anyway, back at home, but now he could do it while standing in their very driveway looking big and sketchy. There are millions of apps. Probably one that will figure out what you were going to say. After a certain amount of hesitation on your part, the voice lady will pipe up and say "I have found nine nouns for you." It was a seductive idea. No longer would Dave and I have to walk around having our normal conversation: what was the name of that woman, you know that woman, the one in the show, the show with the guy who did that thing, you know that guy, he used to be in that other show? We would have the answer to everything in our little warbling pockets. We might not even have to talk at all. We could just amble on in parallel, peering into our little screens. All that for about a hundred bucks a month. It seemed a dream.

But are the fluffy sheets of unlimited data worth what we'd lose? As it is now, we have only one computer. It's a nice one, but not portable, so when we walk away from it, we can talk to each other, and notice the world. In fact, having only the one computer, we talk to each other all of the time.

Mostly, we say "can I have that machine now?"

We did it. We got our own dumb phones. The staff at the store said the last time someone came in and bought his first phone was last summer. Unless it was the summer before that.

92 comments:

  1. I finally got a prepaid phone (we call them mobiles down here) when they took the pay phones away. It 's a cute little pink number with a flip top and people give me pitying looks when I produce it.

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    1. I refuse to give up my flip-top. Every time I snap it open, I feel like Captain Kirk with his communicator. "Beam me up!" I order my husband. "Did you forget your keys again?" he asks.

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    2. I'm still pondering that origa-me refers to her location as "down here." I mean, I think of it that way, but isn't she upside down? I guess it's better than saying "down there." Which is a whole different thing.

      Also, I like the phrase "I order my husband."

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  2. I have a mobile. A very old mobile. It cannot connect to the internet and it does not take photos. It does however allow me to make calls. I bought it when my mother was in hospital and the hospital insisted that I be available 24 hours a day. These days the phone spends most of its life turned off. I like being uncontactable. A lot. (and people sneer at my phone on its rare outings as well.)

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    1. Now that I'm no longer in the really tiny group, I'll join the somewhat larger "sneerable phone" group!

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  3. hahaha...I now know I'm not alone! My poor BF doesn't know how to check his messages on his, and he doesn't want to know... He says, dang (not really dang) they can call back.

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    1. I know how to check my messages, but it takes me a minute. I'll just bet there's a quicker way.

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  4. Ah, welcome to the dinosaurs with cellphones club! If you are anything like me, those nice people at the store will be seeing a lot more of you.

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    1. I'm thinking of dropping by today. To learn how to make a question mark. I need my punctuation.

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  5. I feel your pain about phones that do more than store numbers and make phone calls. I had a simple flip phone for many years and it worked fine. It was not stylish or anything. Last year I got a new fancy phone that likely will hook up to the internet but I have ignored that part and will continue to do so.
    We don't have a land line so both Tanya and I have mobiles. We prepay and cost for in-country calls is pretty cheap. Out of country - 8:00 pm to 8:00 am is cheap and Skype mostly works anyhow.

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    1. What if your phone is hooking up on the internet when you're not looking?

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  6. Good Morning and kind of a funny post, as to what shock's folk's. So many folk's are so busy on their hand held device's, I fear what they would do without them. I of course carry a cell, but only for the call's I need to get ... and the last thing I want to do when I'm out and about is spend time online, I do enough of that at home, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. I'm suprised they even gave you a map at the rental car joint ... and NO ... I dont even use the GPS or whatever on my car ... I used it a couple time's and it got on my nerves, having to listen to some computerized voice tell me where to turn and look : )

    BTW ... my home number as on my blog is 972- 620- 8993 ... and Yes ... I still use my landline : )

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    1. Those ads with the voice make me really not want to invite her into my phone and life.

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  7. Funny short story here (true) ... back about a decade or so ago when NYC had a blackout (and many town's on the east coast) ... the line's at store's were long ast checkout's throughout the city, because the clerk's couldnt do basic math without a calculator/ register to tell them the change for the transaction, cost, etc ... imagine that : )

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    1. I once bought an antique table for $1500 (exactly) and was told to put one-third down, so I was writing out the check while the clerk was punching away on her calculator, and she eventually looked up and told me I owed her $298.72. Huh.

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    2. And did you say "yes, ma'am!" and rewrite your check?

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  8. No need to think anymore or remember anything..there's an app for that.

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  9. Alright, alright! I know this post is supposed to be about phones and all that, but now I've got 634-5789 and Wilson Pickett in my HEAD for the rest of the day!!! THANKS!

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    1. I'm so old I remember when it was Beechwood 4-5789. Really.

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    2. It was, wasn't it? Was it the same song? My old number was Jackson 2-0056. People hated it because the 0s took so long to dial.

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    3. Aw, MAN! Mr. C. stole my comment.

      But at least we're all stuck with the same earworm now, which bonds us without our actually having to reach out, reach out and touch someone.

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    4. I've got the wrong earworm. I'm thinking "867-5309...Jenny, I've got your number..."

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  10. I traded in my old iPhone for the new one-because I wanted access to the iCloud so the phone could talk to my Mac and vise versa because it turned out that I sure couldn't get either one to do what I wanted. Most of the time it works. For whatever reason, I fear being the old lady who doesn't know what the young people are talking about, technology-wise. I actually don't know, but I pretend I do. I know the vocabulary, but that's it. I think that one of these days, Apple will show up, take my phone away from me and tell me that it is wasted on me and I can't have it any longer.

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    1. I've actually found that it's less embarrassing to just say up front how stupid I am.

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  11. My husband is an IT guy (or was until he was declared redundant in a"re-organization" a little while ago), and he refuses to give up his cute little black basic flip phone. There's a lot to be said for knowing what it is you want and sticking to it. We don't have GPS either. Every time I've been in a car with another driver using a GPS system I worry that it will tell him/her to drive up the third telephone pole on the left, and he/she will mindlessly do it.

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    1. I still read that in the same way as "It Girl," like Clara Bow. It's actually faster for me to spell everything out when I'm typing.

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  12. Send MeeMaw out into the blizzard on a bum mule to fetch Doc Pritchard! Hysterical! By the way, I don't own a cell phone.

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    1. Oh, you're the other one! I won't throw away my can and string, then. In case you call.

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  13. I have an iPhone that is as lonely as the old Maytag repairman. I remember to charge it up but rarely remember to carry it, and I never give out the number. However, the apps are great. We keep my iPad or hubby's laptop in the den while we watch television to help with our version of "who's that guy, and what show did he used to be on?" Thanks, IMDB.com, for helping out us old-timers.

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    1. Didn't it used to be okay to not be able to know or remember things? Why do we always look it up now?

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    2. Because we can ... ~big smile~

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    3. It's not just that we can--we HAVE to!

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  14. "what was the name of that woman, you know that woman, the one in the show, the show with the guy who did that thing, you know that guy, he used to be in that other show?"

    So true, so funny!

    And that last photo is hilarious!!

    By the way, what phone did Pootie get?

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    1. I've got enough trouble with Pootie on the computer all night.

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  15. Love my iPhone... I travel in my van and use it to find anything from where to buy the cheapest gas to get me to a McD's --- great restrooms and coffee and so forth.

    It also has an app to magnify and shine a light! damn thing makes a great flashlight! and since I'm old ... I can read the labels on stuff in the stores. I hate taking my reading glasses in for such.

    I can also watch DWTS in a campground ... and sing along with whoever's music I have downloaded from Rod McKuen to Willie Nelson to Tony Bennett to Luciano Pavarotti and everyone in between... ;)

    Also has a great gin rummy app and other fun games... I don't have anyone to play with so me and iPhone and its Siri have a fine time.

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    1. You made me look up DWTS. Here's one for you, just to exercise your brain: LITB.

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    2. oh, sorry... I thought the world knew about Maks and his tight britches... LITB... nope, I give

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  16. I've had a Smart Phone for several years now. Mostly I use it to call my husband at home with the land line to tell him to pick me up at the grocery store. I have to turn it off when out of the country (UK) because the costs are outrageous. However, it is an efficient way of collecting e-mail when you don't have an Internet connection for the computer -- which is our problem when in France for the summer. Last summer that worked perfectly -- for two weeks. At that point my 8 month old phone died! I had to wait until I got back to the UK to get a new one -- it took the phone company over a month to decide yes the damn thing really was D E A D! I'm in the States for two more weeks. My cell is turned off -- but I bring it in case of an emergency. Otherwise it's of absolutely no use -- unless I don't care about the money -- which is never the case with me and a cell phone!

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    1. Wouldn't you think a truly smart phone would call for a ride all by itself?

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  17. Oh, Murr......you are wonderful as usual......so many great lines I have given up the idea of trying to steal them.

    As for cell phones......I hate 'em but got one for emergencies a few years ago. It is a flip type and is never turned on unless I am in the car and calling the doctor's office or my lunch date to tell them I will be 5 minutes late.

    The idea of one of those newfangled jobs makes me look for the nearest trash can to throw up in. Texting....yuk, don't be silly...... Don't want or need no Apps....now, just leave me alone please while I turn the crank to use my land line..

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    1. Lo, you steal all you want. I'd be honored. I wonder if that's why they call us old cranks.

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  18. Murr, I have a dumb phone, too! It's so lame and people laugh at me for having it. I can text and make calls and receive calls. It's enough for me, BUT soon they will become extinct, you know. I might get me one of those smart phones next fall :(

    I adore this post. I must share it.

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  19. Replies
    1. Sadly, that's about as dumb as they can get now!

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  20. I want that thing! You know, the one that tells you what I was going to say? You know what I mean, the thing that goes on your phone... Absolutely brilliant, Murr, but who's surprised? Not me. :-)

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    1. I'm getting a Blog App. One that will write 'em.

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  21. Leave It To Beaver. That is all.

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    1. And we have a winner! Ding ding ding ding ding!

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  22. We cried when the Verizon pulled the plug on the bag phone... now that was a mobile worth having.

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    1. I had to look it up. Looks like it was a really bag phone.

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  23. Reading your lines aloud to my sister while we both tap on our computers. Loving it. Looking forward to welcoming my little Luddite in a few days. I promise not to call you and make it ring--I know it makes you jump.
    I'm still in MA, having navigated my way around Boston, Somerville, Allston and Cambridge in a white rental care with NJ plates for the first time EVER with the help of a Garmin GPS. And I flippin' loved it. I was so relaxed and confident, I didn't even mind all the Massholes who were honking and swerving and passing me on the right. Because I knew she'd get me there. And she did. Even through the rotaries. Technology can be fun.
    xoxojz

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    1. Linda called me. First time I ever heard it ring except when Dave and I were practicing across the table. I was so startled that I hit "okay" and apparently hung up on her. On what planet does it make sense to hit "send" when you're receiving?

      If Garmin can protect you from Boston drivers, it is a powerful force indeed! I can just hear her from here on the rotaries: turn right heah. No heah! Heah! HEAH, DAMMIT!

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  24. If this shows up,it will mean I've finally figured out how to post here. Should give you an idea of how tech savvy I am. Anyway, when anyone snarks about my old basic flip phone, I just say, "Costs me $5.03 a month." That shuts 'em up.

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    1. I just got my first bill, and you shut me up. And yay on posting here!

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  25. You know really, there is no reason to send out kids to expensive taxpayer funded schools any more; why have them learn how many quarts are in a gallon or what leaf that tree belongs to... just issue every kid a smart phone. They can text their homework to which the one teacher for 500,000 students can reply:" U R rite".

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    1. And you can always hope for an accidental "A" if your teacher has fat thumbs.

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  26. We didn't get cell phones until just a few years ago, and only upgraded to the texting phone this last year. No smart phones here....we are dumb. But I do remember my phone number from 40 years ago....AT Atlas 20386, and 634-7505, from when I was in high school. I have had many phone numbers throughout my life....they are tattooed in my brain cells somewhere. With stuff like that in there, how can anyone expect me to learn tech stuff? There just isn't any more roo

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  27. "m."

    You're welcome. I'm clearing out space all the time.

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  28. I've had to stay up with technology because of two sons that keep me hopping but Hubby has a basic only phone because his brother didn't like him going hunting without one. I text with my boys more often than talk to them but Dad can't read text messages without his glasses so refuses to do so.

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    1. You need one that quacks for duck hunting, I know that.

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  29. I'm on my second whole phone in a row since 1995. I still cuss a blue streak every time it rings; why its alarm is more alarming than my land line is a mystery, but my kids worked out a solution. They recorded my grandson in a prolonged bout of the giggles--the kind where he peals on and on, then starts to wind down, and gets a sudden hysterical second wind--and, using white magic, they made it my ringtone. Music to my ears.

    BTW, "Beechwood 4-5789" would make a great ringtone for your new phone.

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    1. I definitely need to work on my ringtone. People would assume I'd want a fart sound, but I'd be checking my phone all the time.

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  30. I'm laughing out loud at the fact that you convinced the clerks to take a picture for your blog.

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    1. What convinced? They had that expression so long I had time to take out my camera and warm it up.

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  31. I'm holding out for the iPhone with the Think app. It will think for me and present whatever I am supposed to say in any situation. As long as I remember how to read, I'll be OK.

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  32. Oh you hit a home run with this one, Murr. Himself felt very strongly that I should have a cell phone after I had heart surgery. I dutifully cart it around in my purse but never turn it on. When I do, it is often mysteriously quite dead...which I would be as well, by time I got it out of its case, held down the red phone button, waited for it to turn on and then hit 911.

    I stopped going to movies because I was getting murderous about those morons who hold their vivid blue screens up all through the audience during the show.

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    1. I go to a classical piano recital series where they always remind people to turn off their phones. One time someone's phone went off playing "Fur Elise"...during a Beethoven sonata.

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    2. Hah! Reminds me of seeing the Fado singer, Mariza, at Massey Hall in Toronto. Some nob's phone went off during one of her more impassioned renditions and the entire audience (95% Portuguese) HISSED at him!My soul sang with joy, I tell ya!

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  33. Going on 9 months with no cell.

    Plus side.
    -When you absolutely do have to make a call, there is someone right next to you happy to help out with their cell. i.e. great way to meet people.
    -(although I will never get the cumulative 2 weeks I spent talking to the morons at Cingular back) The thought of never speaking to them in future warms me.

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    1. I've counted on those people for years now. But I always have to ask them how to make it work. Sadly, now that I have my own, I STILL have to ask people how to make it work.

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  34. I wrote a long comment, then Wordpress ate it because I wasn't signed in. Let me just add to the discussion with....I hate technology at times. (Barb)

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  35. Wordpress is a hungry beast. Blogger just splats its big meaty paw down and sprays your stuff all over the kitchen. Either way, we're screwed. I'm so happy you persevered.

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  36. "I once covered the better part of two airport concourses before I found a pay phone. I dumped in quarters and called my ride, while she was at the curb watching me do it and waving."


    That's the funniest thing I've read ALL week!

    Congrats on getting a cellphone!

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    1. I just figured out it has an alarm clock. Won't wonders never cease.

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  37. Ha! I just changed sides in January and I've got to say.. I like it. I'm playing Words With Friends (Scrabble-like game) while I comment. ;)

    "There are no sales associates in the store who were alive before cell phones." A truer word might never have been spoken.. or typed.

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    1. Changed sides, meaning, you got your first phone? I hope I never figure out how to play Lexulous on this thing. I'll never get anything done.

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  38. "Playing hopscotch in clown shoes." What an image. Congratulations on your purchase. I still have a Nokia dumb phone from 2005, or 4, maybe it was 3. Hey, it makes calls and receives them and all for about $40/month, which I still consider highway robbery.

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    1. I do too. Although we're paying more. Somehow I can manage it but I'm still mightily pissed about the cable bill. Man, they're proud of their product. Is it April? Time for the because-we-can five-dollar price increase.

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  39. Oh, wait! I just "got" the phone number in the title. If I'm still humming it by the end of the day, I'm coming after you, Murr.

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    1. Call me
      Call me
      Call me, Come back home...

      [You're welcome]

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  40. I am still in the group (ever diminishing) of the cell-phone-less, but seeing that day coming. Last date I went on, I knew it wouldn't work when the prospective girlfriend proved how knowledgeable she was by referring to her phone anytime I brought up an interesting point. Sorry, I'm not interested in a three way relationship, especially when one of that number is a machine.

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    1. I don't blame you. Especially especially if the machine is the smartest of the three.

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  41. Hubby and I have one cell phone between the two of us and it's a dumb phone... Meh... who cares. Love your writing style by the way, and congrats on being one of Hilary's POTW.

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  42. funny stuff .. congrats on a POTW!

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  43. Here from Hilary's POTW...giggling through post and comments...will be back!
    My son and DIL finally talked me into being on their family plan so I'd have a cell phone for emergencies and to call long distance. The long distance for free at certain times sold me. Took them two years to convince me to get a smarter phone than the flip phone. The touch screen freaked me out for quite a while but it has a bigger screen and a keyboard. (Those kids are always texting and it took me 15 minutes to type "OK" on the old flip phone.) It does all kinds of things I know nothing about. The phone may be smart, but I am not. ;)

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  44. Once in an aiport delay i didn't have a phone to call my car rental and a kid next to me ooverheard and gave me her pink one covered in bling. I knew at that moment i needed one.

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  45. Snort! Congrats on the POTW. Have you noticed that there must be a new law that says it's legal to hire 12 year olds to sell cell phones.

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