Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Senator Inhofe: Public Servicer

The Tulsa Metro Chamber couldn't be sorrier that it implied that Senator Jim Inhofe (Rasty Old Fart--OK) was wrong to speak of homosexuality and bestiality in the same sentence, as though he thought the two were equivalent. The Chamber is abject. It won't happen again. Officials of the Chamber are looking into the source of the gaffe and have it narrowed down to a couple of pansies in the Diversity Committee. Sen. Inhofe is considering their apology.

The Senator is an earmark champion of the first order and a rabid opponent of federal spending, and you don't find that combination every day. The Tulsa Metro Chamber would like to stay on his good side. Inhofe steered massive amounts of highway funds to Oklahoma so that her citizens could still drive out to Walmart where they can still afford to buy the things they used to be able to afford before Walmart drove down wages and sent all their jobs to China. And in so driving, they are supporting the fossil fuel economy. It's a beautiful thing.

The remark that upset the pansy contingent was the Senator's contention that the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell was not, as some might assume, an endorsement by the military of the practice of bestiality. Just because the queers are now allowed to prance around in their army boots with their weapons dangling from their wrists does not mean that anything goes in cross-species romance. Also, just because everyone has to wear pink camo and call each other Mary doesn't mean, necessarily, that it's now okay to beat the crap out of a known fruit even if you catch him ruining your marriage. The Senator would have you know he has been married to the same woman for 51 years now, and the Man-Burro Love Association can kiss his seventy-seven-year-old ass if it has a mind to, he says. In fact, he'd like to see them try. Senator Inhofe himself is righteous. According to his website, the Inhofe clan is free of divorce and sodomy "in recorded history," although to be sure a lot of that stuff doesn't get written down.

The pansies in Diversity were of the mistaken impression that even bringing up the possibility of bestiality being legalized in the context of gay rights could be seen as a slander of gay Americans.

But the only reason Senator Inhofe brought up the subject of bestiality, he says, is that it is something his constituents were anxious about. Sen. Inhofe, they clamored, if the rump-wranglers can serve openly in the military, doesn't it mean it's okay to tap farm animals? It came up over and over again. And that is the concern the Senator was seeking to address. It is not known whether his answer, that it is still not okay to tap farm animals just because the fudge-packers have taken over the military, was a relief or a disappointment to his constituents. This is not to say that he approves of allowing queers in the armed forces. From a purely military standpoint, he points out, they're icky. Maybe a squadron of Lesbos would be okay. They're big and scary and nobody wants them anyway.

But Senator, even if sheep are off the table, how about a small rodent and a roll of duct tape? How would that be? These are the questions pressed upon the good Senator, and this is why in all good conscience he must address the issue. And so he explains. Drilling the last ounce of cheap energy out of the earth is one thing; drilling guinea pigs another. It's not the same with guinea pigs. There's not that much profit in it. There is a tremendous profit in drilling fossil fuels, and that is why there is no such thing as global warming.

Senator Inhofe is the world's foremost proponent of the idea that all of the climate scientists are collectively pulling our legs. Those that profit mightily from the extraction industries are at best neutral on the question of whether we are engineering our own destruction with our wanton ways. But scientists--those smartypants that Sen. Inhofe knows for a fact made fun of him in high school--they've got everything to gain and nothing to lose from pulling off the biggest hoax ever perpetrated on the population. We've got another four or so decades of cheap energy left and these clowns are determined to pull the plug fifteen years sooner than we'd have to anyway, because they like to think they're so smart. And they're not fooling Sen. Inhofe. Nossuh. He is a man of principle who won't even employ an educated person on his staff long enough to clean the misspellings off his website. They can just go to hell.

The whole idea that he is equating bestiality and homosexuality is ridiculous. It's ironic that the diversity crowd would even bring up such a thing. The fact that the Senator would question the legal status of sheep-fuckers in the context of gay rights only proves that he honors diversity--in particular, the rights of straw-Americans. If he chooses to bring up the two items in the same sentence, he's just being economical. He's a busy man. The two have nothing to do with each other.

It would be like if I said if you vote for Republicans, it means you endorse the screwing-over of the entire younger generation. The two have nothing to do with each other. I just put them in the same sentence because some folks were concerned.

44 comments:

  1. I'm in a hurry this morning, too, 'cause the Republican primary is headed my way (SC) and, since it's a true open primary, I've got to decide my vote. As a liberal, I want to select the one whom I consider both least electable and most likely to receive lots of silly-ass ultra-conservative votes. I'm thinking that's Rick Santorum, who is pro-castration (I assume, since he believes the government should DO something about women having babies out of wedlock and he's banning birth control.) I'm looking forward to the swearing in ceremony, where he will prove his commitment to his values and set an example for all American mankind right there on the Bible.

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  2. What an education. You have accomplished your goal Brewster. I can now add at least 4, maybe 5, new ways to describe Homos to my vocabulary. Thanks. You're the best.

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  3. Well, it's just a good thing I wasn't being economical and having my morning coffee AND reading your blog at the same time because I would have also been ruining my monitor at the same time while spitting coffee all over it. Nicely done. This is one for the ages. I bow before you. Or salute you. Or worship your word-smithage or something.

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  4. Whew. I wish I could think of some appropriate response to this post, Murr. It's brilliant and I'm also glad I have your take on the world of the ridiculous to entertain me through the next several months of political chicanery.

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  5. Wait, we can't screw sheep now?? Well, I for one am one disappointed Butt Pirate. (There's one more for your list).

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  6. Wait, we can't screw sheep now?? Well, I for one am one disappointed Butt Pirate. (There's one more for your list).

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  7. Standing O! Roses at your feet! Bravo! And,just for good measure, a loud bleating sound!

    I don't know why Inhofe has his panties in a wad. Or vice-versa. Everybody knows all the sheep fuckers live up in Montana. And that's a fair distance from OK.

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    1. I particularly appreciate the loud bleating sound.

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  8. Do you folks decide on who to vote for the way we do up here; have a rousing hockey game and go home and forget about it?

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  9. What a hoot! So, when did you say you were running for president? Well done, bravo, loved this elaborate, well entered opinion.
    BlessYa

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  10. Is this an Oklahoma thing? We have cows,pigs,horses and a lot of turkeys in North Carolina but I can honestly say, to paraphrase that paragon of southern womanhood, Scarlett O'Hara,"As God is my witness, I've never had designs on a cow."

    Of course, here in NC we don't have a lot of sheep and thus are not as tempted as the good people in Oklahoma. Cows are singularly unattractive.

    I think that the Senator's constituents need to develop some hobbies other than pondering on bestiality.

    I do thank you,Ms.Brewster, for this most enlightening post. You have given me much to think about.

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  11. The turkey pluckers union is gonna feel left out.

    /murr, as always, you are brilliant!

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  12. You are one brave and beautiful woman. Also smart as a whip. (But that's another perversion altogether.)

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  13. Welcome to Oklahoma, home to the twerked and twisted.

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  14. Geographical differences. A man in our state was convicted of sexually abusing a mare (I think he was given probation because he's too disturbed to mix with other inmates). Animal cruelty is a crime here.

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  15. Not "tap" farm animals but "tup." Learned that one from playing Scrabble on the computer against Maven.

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  16. Does Jon Stewart have on speed-dial? Cause he should.

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  17. Last winter a man in northern Wisconsin was arrested for having sex with a road-killed deer. Some passers by were apparently offended. I believe he was found not guilty because there was no specific law against it.

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  18. Nice to know that other countries have idiot politicians as well. Or is it sad to know ....?

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  19. Listen up, Missy. We have first dibs on being screwed by a U.S. Senator. I live in Kentucky and Mitch McConnell has been fleecing and fucking the sheep in our neck of the woods for nigh onto 30 years now. Of course, he calls em' constiuents but, whatever the hell they are, they must like it because they sure line up every six years for more. The bad news is...Rand Paul is our other senator.

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  20. Oh, Cletis. I'm so sorry. I've got stuff to report on Mr. McConnell too, but I have to space these things out so I don't get depressed.

    Nance! Pro-castration! What else can he be?

    Bill, thank you, Butt Pirate, I totally missed that one. I'm not sure what Mr. Charleston plans to do with it, but we'll hope for the best.

    Sheria, I'm told cows can be plenty attractive, but it helps to be tall.

    Col: "tup." Inserting into my personal memory card now. Right next to "shtup."

    And Jono? Don't think I'm not going to look THAT one up. Oh boy!

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  21. Oh, Murr.....absolutely brilliant as usual....no....,maybe even more so.....how is it possible?

    But I did not come here to comment on your amazing words and thoughts, but on the total weirdness of our attitudes toward our sexuality. In fact, you have inspired me to make some notes for a blog of my own on the subject, but I must add a few words to yours right here.

    I cannot resist going back up again and again to the photo of that sweet faced sheep above. Frankly, if I were a guy, I swear I would be more enchanted by that pure, innocent, appealing face than by all of the plastic atrocities purporting to be attractive young women that I see on TV these days. In fact, I am tempted to go and kiss that sheep on her sweet mouth.......and no, I am not some sort of pervert......at 84 I just happen to like animals better than I like most people. Hell, I don't even care whether that sheep is male or female.....it is just adorable. So sue me.

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  22. That sheep definitely has a "come hither" look in her eye. Filthy animal!

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  23. That sheep definitely has a "come hither" look in her eye. Filthy animal!

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  24. You sure have some scary ones down there, Murr. I wonder how big the Walmart voting contingent is...should we be worried, neighbour? But hey, we can't gloat too much with our current Prime Minister. I'm keeping a sharp eye and an ear cocked in his direction. Glad you're doing the same with your lunatics.

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  25. I don't know which to chuckle at more... the actual blog or the string of comments? A friend posted your last blog on FB and now I am an avid fan. Rock... uh... write on Ms. Murr!

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    1. Thanks Leslie! You get the honor of the first individual comment reply, because Blogger, for some reason, started making that happen just today, without any input from me. Won't wonders never cease? It will probably be gone tomorrow.

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  26. Kudos, Murr, for this brilliant satire...or is it satyr??? Good thing I don't have these prejudices. Some of my best friends are queers.

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    1. And that, Dan, is why God is giving you volcanoes and earthquakes in your part of the world.

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  27. Good post. I enjoyed reading it.
    I'm not so sure that voting Republican would not be equivalent to screwing over the younger generation! Same sentence or not, it's the Repub mission to keep all generations of common folk enslaved by the Corporate Oligarchy who aren't satisfied with having an overwhelmingly disproportionate amount of wealth. They really want it all. And the only ones who are keeping them from their dream is the progressives. Let's hope we continue to be a thorn in their sides. As for Imhofe, he's a public something. Not sure I'd call it a servant. But then again, ignorance is bliss, and he does seem like a blissful guy!

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    1. Oh, it's equivalent all right, Stan. And he's more of a public servicer than a servant. Thanks for weighing in.

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  28. Speaking your mind as usual. It's going to be an interesting election year for comedians. I am reminded of the Will Rogers comment, "Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators."

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  29. Frustration is every time you get the rocks piled up the moose walks away.

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    1. That would lead to an ejaculation, wouldn't it?

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  30. Lovely sheep. Every time we drive by a field where her relatives are grazing, my husband reminds me they're actually "Montana blondes".

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  31. Oklahoma -- where men are men and sheep are nervous.

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  32. Inhofe is a worm (no offense to other worms intended).

    The sheep in my neck o' the woods are asking for it. Red lights everywhere.

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  33. We have a large corral full of blonde Cali ewes, waiting to be taken to new pastures, they have lots of babies and full bellies, yet still their bleating like madd for more...must be democrats...

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  34. Did I land in America, land of the free? In this political season, I wonder sometimes. Thanks for visiting my blog so that I could discover yours.

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  35. A brilliant post. So glad you commented on my blog so I could discover yours!

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