Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Getting Away With It

The official version [wink] is that nobody knows where all the money that regular people used to have went, but hey, they're starting to make some progress in the old D. B. Cooper case, so that's something. "D. B." is not the hijacker's real name, but a journalist's typo for "Dan Cooper," which is also not the hijacker's real name, which might be Tim, or Mitt, or Michele. At any rate, he boarded a plane from Portland to Seattle one night forty years ago, and held the passengers for ransom, eventually exchanging them for $200,000 in cash and four parachutes, and he bailed out of the airplane somewhere over the wilds of Washington during a raging storm. He has not been seen since.

Sasquatch Hypothesis Has Historical Precedent
A few personal effects were retrieved, including his necktie and a number of Raleigh filter cigarette butts left on the plane. Now the FBI has identified a credible person of interest in the case, a person who is currently dead, but only ten years dead, which is less dead than D. B. would have been if he had perished in the jump. Now they would like to retest the cigarettes for DNA and compare that to some relic from the dead suspect or germane corpse particles, but no one can find the butts. The agent in charge of the case believes they might be in Las Vegas.

Nine years after the hijacking, a small portion of the ransom money was found in a river bank. This supports the hypothesis that Mr. Cooper died in the parachute attempt, or, as some have seriously suggested, soon afterwards, possibly after an encounter with Sasquatch.

Whatever his fate, D. B. Cooper has become something of a folk hero to many who cheer his moxie and hope that he might have gotten away with the caper. Many Americans are strangely moved by the thought that it is possible to make off with oodles of someone else's money, and are willing to overlook the fact that each of us is paying for it in one way or another.

So let's review. Someone whose identity remains in the shadows pulled off a heist, stole money he had not earned, flew directly into a storm and engineered a bailout, stashed some of the money in a bank and hid the rest, and planted stories about bogeymen to steer us off his trail. The FBI lost their butts in Las Vegas, and everyone else is so dazzled by the money and the audacity of the crime that they are willing to overlook grand larceny even if it was some of their own money that was stolen. It's just another great American success story, according to representatives at Republican National Committee headquarters, interviewed during the recent dedication of their new D. B. Cooper wing.

24 comments:

  1. Brilliant! D.B. Cooper as the mascot for all the...let's call it tomfoolery, in D. C. I'm kinda likin' the Sasquatch version. Amazing likeness to our ex-guv, Tim Pawlenty-Ofbullshit.
    Saccharine smiles always creep me out.

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  2. My friend Robert the Skeptic came up with the appelation "the Borg Collective" for the current Republican party, but I'm thinking that the D.B. Cooper wing of their headquarters is even better. Thanks for the morning smiles. :-)

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  3. Since I don't watch TV I don't know what anyone looks like. But I am entertained to see that D.B.
    cooper looks just like Tim Pawlenty. I enjoyed this post.

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  4. Will you marry me, Murr?

    Oh, I suppose Martha and Dave might have carping objections. Failing that, please keep writing!

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  5. If Martha's real tall, they might be able to work something out.

    I have deliberately steered away from news stories about the upcoming election, and so I'm not up to date on Pawlenty, who otherwise looks like he could pass for Democrat (smarminess not immediately evident). Teresa Evangeline, maybe you could fill me in?

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  6. Nobody know much about Pawlenty. He emits dullness the way a squid emits ink. It's his defense mechanism.

    Great post. It's only a matter of time before Wall Street is named after the guy.

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  7. I think Infidel 753 hit the nail on the head: dullness personified. His run for the presidency is equally so. We went from Jesse Ventura to him. Absolutely schizophrenic. I went away to Santa Fe for a few years in between, so I hold no currency for that debacle. I have to ask myself, how did a state that managed to elect Al Franken also elect Michelle Bachmann? Serious schizophrenia, not to malign those poor folks.

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  8. And here in Oz, one of our national hero's is Ned Kelly, bushranger, murderer, thief. Sigh. We don't (as far as I know) have a town called Kelly, but it is only a matter of time.

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  9. "...the hijacker's real name, which might be Tim, or Mitt, or Michele." Yer killin' me, Murr.

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  10. Well, to tell y'all, D. B. Cooper is yer modern Jessie James. (Maybe even a reincarnation.) That seems to fit; they both got a lot of money, an' they're both dead. Two folk heroes at one time.
    Yup!

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  11. P.S.: "Legal is what you can get away with." ~ William Kirk Floyd.

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  12. Stay right here and don't move. I'll be right back. I've got to get over to FB and make a link.

    Did you try that artist's sketch up against Scott Walker's mug shot? I think there might be an argument made that he's stolen Wisconsin's money and pulled a stick-up on the state's entire financial base. Another super-bland looking, purse-mouthed, whiter-than-thou, garden variety criminal.

    I'm starting to have trouble differentiating between Pawlenty, Santorum, and Walker. Probably be a great subject for one of those image morphing apps. Then, give 'em Michelle Bachmann Eyes and we're all set for Halloween.

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  13. I enjoyed this post, especially coming on the heels of listening to Brian Williams tell the story. But, what I want to know is, how do I become someone other than "Anonymous"?

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  14. Dear Murr,
    I also thought that Tim looked rather like a liberal. Doesn't have that standard republican look that I can spot from a mile off.

    However, when you read his history, he sure smells like one.

    Could you write something sustaining about the recent market ups and downs? We're counting on you to find the humor in all of this.

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  15. Every time I try to write about the market it comes out "la la la la la."

    Anonymous, if you want to divorce yourself from that big family, try setting up a Google account. You just click on that option from the drop-down list in "comment as," and I'm sure someone helpful will pop up with a way to get an account. This involves only choosing a name and password, and so far I haven't seen anything happen that you'll regret. Next time you visit, let me know how that went.

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  16. Hey Anonymous, to become someone else, you just click on the little arrow next to the "Comment as:" window below the "Post a Comment" window. Then you choose how you want to sign in: Google; Live Press; Name /URL; etc. If you don't have an account, you just create one by going to those sites. Google's is free, and I imagine the others are as well. Then you sign into your chosen site and post as that entity. I don't know if you can sign is as Tim Pawlenty or D.B. Cooper.

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  17. Murr, I do so love you.--Barb

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  18. I keep meaning to ask, Murr---were you on Richard Nixon's enemies list? No, I suppose you'd have it right up there on your banner somewhere if you had been. I guess you were a little too young to have come to his attention?

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  19. Roxie sez
    The thing about Mr."Cooper" is - he got away with it! It was balls to the wall crazy, and he got away with it. Yeah, maybe he died. But maybe he didn't! And, he got away with it! So why don't I rejoice in Bernie Maydoff's success? He got away with it too. For years. Maybe if he had jumped out of a plane into a raging storm . . .

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  20. This is a good opportunity to ask all you fertile minds out there: where, exactly, does the phrase "balls to the wall" come from?

    Linda, I graduated high school in 1970, right outside Washington, D.C., and my daddy and I hit every peace march there was. I don't know if Dick had me singled out at that point. Long straight hair, Indian print dress and sandals--I probably stood out.

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  21. I worked in a bank for part of my career. One day a customer's account got credited with a deposit in error. The customer discovered the error first and withdrew the money.

    Upon contacting the customer they claimed the bank screwed up and she should get to keep the money. I then explained that it was not the "banks" money she got, it belonged to another customer just like her. I asked her how she would feel if someone accidentally got all HER money instead... should the other person just keep it? Blank stare!

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  22. There is a revolution out there and it's be inning to roll in all directions. My theory is that our system of free trade is too tied up in monopolies. The people are tired of the control and of loosing their footing after putting trust into a system that has failed for them.

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  23. BAhahahahaha...

    ..."Many Americans are strangely moved by the thought that it is possible to make off with oodles of someone else's money...."

    Yeah--I remember how moved I was a couple of years ago when they made off with mine.
    God--we're a bunch of feckin' eejits.

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  24. Well after all, if DB Cooper had lived I'm sure he'd have run out of money by now, so he's probably taken up a consulting job in Washington.

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