Saturday, June 4, 2011

He Wouldn't. Would He?

I got out of the habit of paying attention to the news every minute during the previous administration because it ruined my health. So it was a few days before I discovered that the top story now is the allegation that Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-New York) has tweeted his penis to a college girl in Seattle. I don't know all the ins and outs of this development, but the congressman claims someone hacked into his Twitter account and inserted a penis. That caused half the press corps to black out, hearing a sentence with "hacked" and "penis" in it, but the other half has kept this ball in the air for days. I find it equally plausible that he might have tweeted his penis or that he might have been hacked. It would be stupid to tweet your penis and try to run for mayor, but penises, on the whole, are notably lacking in political astuteness. On the other hand, hacking is just the sort of thing that deep pockets in the health insurance industry might come up with when threatened. "Someone is trying to stand between us and making all the money in the world," the health insurance industry would reason. "So let's hack a penis into his Twitter feed." It's the same old story. It's been going on since Lancelot told everyone that King Arthur's sword slipped out of the stone.

If this really was a hacking, it was brilliant. The penis in question is by all accounts a splendid one, and Mr. Weiner is hard pressed to state forcefully that it is not his. Some worry that this will derail his mayoral aspirations, but I think the photo might have gotten him some votes. He may yet get the job.

Others decry the fact that this matter is getting too many inches on the front page day after day. We have more important matters to discuss, they say. Can we still afford to provide a measure of medical security to our elderly citizens, or will we be better off funneling the old dears into the marketplace with some scrip and our best wishes? We need to study these things to come to a consensus. Is our debt unsustainable? Does Medicare foster overuse of medical services? What do we know about the penises of the major players in this debate? And is there any other way to rein in health care costs?

The debt is at fourteen trillion and rising; economists disagree on the significance of this; we've got hold of some solid evidence on Congressman Weiner's penis; and tort reform has been suggested as part of the solution.

Excellent! Let's see what you've got on Weiner.

[pause]

This is just a picture of a penis. In underwear. Are you serious?

It may or may not have been tweeted to a woman he doesn't know but is not married to.

Come on, man! This is health care reform we're talking about! I need the debt-to-GDP ratio, the position of the A.M.A., a verifiable inappropriate liaison including evidence of fluids, and the numbers on insurance premium growth.

[pause]

It was a gang-tweet.


Oh, well, then. Let's gut Medicare.


We have a lot of serious issues before us in this day and age, and we need reliable information about those we entrust to work them out. We have way too little to go on. I say we get all the penises out there; let's let the majority Whip earn his title. Let's get them all out on the table and start banging some gavels until we have everyone's attention, and then maybe we can get some work done.

34 comments:

  1. Excellent. And any penis that hogs the media's attention for more than 4 hours should get whacked with the gavel.

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  2. No, Murr, letting all those penis owners get into a pissing contest sounds like a MUCH better idea! I have wondered who the hell comes up with all these distractions.

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  3. If this weren't so sad and true, it would be hilarious.

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  4. Gosh. I stopped watching the news because it was all "Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin. Something happened in the US. Something happened overseas. Sarah Palin.

    So I've missed a lot of the Weiner Penis Episode. Thanks for the update.

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  5. Roxie sez,
    Gee, I thought that was a photo of a young Bob Saggett from Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos. Isn't a Weiner penis scandal sort of redundant? Love the way you picked up the ball and ran with it!

    I wish people would keep their penises out of our health care issues. We've been f**ked with enough already.

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  6. I must confess that this is a very HARD issue for me to GRASP, and particularly from a MEMBER of congress. Worse yet, the news media now has a FIRM GRIP on this story and seems to be MILKING IT FOR ALL IT'S WORTH. As far as the influence this story may have on Medicare, I am sure that the whole budget PACKAGE will be called into question by House Speaker, John BONER. Meanwhile the public will like get THE SHAFT because Medicare PACKAGE is creating a huge BULGE in the budget deficit. [I'll quit now]

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  7. Oh my! I'd totally missed this whole weiner/penis thing. I should probably pull my head out of my fiction and pay attention to current events because there's no way I could make s**t like this up. Thanks for the update!

    ♥Spot

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  8. I must be reading the wrong newspaper.

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  9. I find that it is interesting that he refuses to deny that it might be his penis -- I figure 'cause he is pretty damn proud of how it looked.

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  10. Murr Murr Murr--murmur murmur murmur.
    Anyway...as Weiner noted, it is so easy for someone to have fun with his name; it's been happening since grade school. However, tweeting takes this to a whole new level.
    I do love that he says--he can't affirm or deny whether it is or is not his penis...people do amazing things with Photoshop these days. Uh huh!

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  11. "penises, on the whole, are notably lacking in political astuteness." Yup.

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  12. But all penises want our votes. Up where you are, they stand for election. Here, they run. I'm moving to Canada.

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  13. From "I don't know all the ins and outs," to "banging the gavel," I could not stop laughing. Gotta laugh. It's just becoming too absurd to take seriously.

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  14. RobertTheSkeptic, I purposefully left out a lot of that because I knew, I just KNEW, my commenters would take care of it for me. I just didn't realize someone would do it all at once.

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  15. This whole thing is just a slip of the mouse. The good congressman was in the crapper, having just finished his business, when he accidentally took a photo of his underwear (he has one of those newfangled phones with cameras in both directions) and unknowingly tweeted it to the twit when all he was trying to do was explain his position on alternative energy. There, now doesn't that explain everything?

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  16. No kidding, this post gave my computer an overflow. And I'd just started to laugh. Rose

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  17. ...on the whole, are notably lacking in political astuteness.

    I'd heard that.

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  18. Crazy!!! We've been too busy with the Cucumber crisis in Spain so that must be why we missed out on this little tidbit... :p

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  19. He is a Democrat so I believe the hacked part. If he were a Republican, I'd believe the deliberate part. Standard political logic, yes?

    If in the USA, penises run for election, rather than stand, no wonder you have so many drips among your elected officials.

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  20. This hacking question is just bulging with possibilities. Not having a penis has never caused me envy and now that is particularly true, because you can see that an over-extended penis can turn on you and send a tweet of itself, looking totally engorged with stress to a twit friend.
    I say, cut off Viagra to this out-of-control penis, cut health care expense in half with just this effort, and raise the debt ceiling to cover such incidents of out-of-control parts, keep the ball rolling, and zip it up!

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  21. I don't know. Tweeting a penis: gotta hand it to the guy. That's got to take some terrific motor control. I've never been able to get more than a squeak out of one.

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  22. "Others decry the fact that this matter is getting too many inches on the front page day after day." Just about sprayed tea all over the keyboard. Thanks for a morning giggle, Murr.

    --gloria, one of Mary Ann's recorder friends, and follower of your blog posts.

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  23. "I don't know. Tweeting a penis: gotta hand it to the guy. That's got to take some terrific motor control. I've never been able to get more than a squeak out of one."

    Even your comments are genius.

    Can you believe the clowns we elect to office? And Weiner is actually one of the good guys.

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  24. Just a silly little question---if HE didn't do it, who else has access to a photo of his whatsit, or the opportunity to snap one? I would hope the list of possibilities would be fairly limited, and that Congressman Weenie would know all of them by name. I'm Twitter-ignorant; didn't even know you COULD tweet a picture of anything. Life's getting away from me, I'm afraid.

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  25. The long and short of this story is that Wiener is a jerk. Truly, he is--rude and obnoxious. Who knows where this tweet thing will take him? Definitely into the annals of American History.

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  26. In the rare case a tweet lasts for more than four hours, seek immediate media attention.

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  27. Heads up! Weiner has claimed ownership of the part in question and acknowledged that he's the schmuck responsible for putting it out there.

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  28. That Weiner photo is at a weird angle--an odd perspective. But it leaves little to dispute-- he's a dick, alright. ;)

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  29. "Mr. Weiner is hard pressed to state forcefully that it is not his." Brilliant line!

    Our Canadian politicians generally refrain from "laying it out on the table", if you know what I mean...thank goodness for small mercies!

    Wendy

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  30. The congressman should get a webcam. He could call it Weiner Watch.

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  31. I like this post. It is funny yet satirical. A cut above the others. On a more serious note, I believe he was the one who tweeted that penis. He already admitted he has online affairs with women other than his wife. So, he could have sent that tweet to someone he has a relationship with or he wants to have a relationship with.

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