Saturday, May 28, 2011

Tubby Or Not Tubby

I'll say right off that I take exception to the entire list of deadly sins. According to the Catholic Church, the seven deadly sins are Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, Pride, Lust, Runniness and Gelatitude, and all of them come with a handbasket, but I'm not buying it. Gluttony, for example, has no business in there at all. At its heart, gluttony is a simple appreciation of bounty. A simple, grossly-extended appreciation. And, like auto-erotic asphyxiation, which did not not even make the list, it shouldn't be deadly at all, unless you're doing it wrong. To worsen matters, gluttony is drawn to sloth as naturally as a cat to a keyboard, and that's counted as a deadly sin as well. It's not fair. It's like if you drop a man in the street with a bullet to the head and get charged with littering on top of murder.

Besides, it's not as if any of us set out in life to be gluttons. We set out in life intending to partake of the wonders of high-fructose corn syrup that God, in a roundabout way, provided us, and suddenly we're one partially hydrogenated fat molecule over the line into immoderation. Distribute that very same intake over several days or weeks and no one has a problem with it. So fundamentally it's a time-management issue.

A Deadly Sin can be venial or mortal. It all depends on how enthusiastic you are. An activity can be considered venial if you're really sorry about it, but if you're not, you might as well grease up and staple yourself to a Republican--you're going down.

I'm not going to make a big defense of Envy or Pride, but Gluttony is sweet. Gluttony is joy. And that's the meat of the issue right there: everything's cool as long as you're not enjoying yourself. Lust, for instance: a certain amount of it really helps with fruitful multiplication. The church approves of fruitful multiplication, and wants it to be accomplished with just enough lust and no more. This, it seems to me, could put a guy in a bind, which is one way to go about it, I guess. Basically, the good life is defined as one without joy, which makes Hell redundant at worst.

I'm a fan of gluttony. A huge fan. Both my sainted husband and I are, but I worry that an inattentive angel might nab me and leave him alone. Dave is not sainted because he puts up with me. Putting up with me is a joy ride every second of the way. He is sainted because he feeds me. In my theology, the road to beatification is paved with tater tots. And in the course of going for his Murrthly reward, Dave puts out a lot of really good food, and we both eat it. But when I put away a big steak dinner, you can still see it on my person, like a rat in a snake. There it is, right there in the middle--you can just about make out the horns and hooves, and the jiggly bits are gravy.

Dave, who eats like a spring bear, has, at sixty, flossable abs, a taut neck, and a natural resting cholesterol of minus fifty pudge units. All that can be detected of his steak dinner is the drone of his metabolism kicking into overdrive and a gaseous exhaust. There is no evidence on his long, lean frame that he has ever hoovered anything. Apropos of nothing, murder is not one of the deadly sins.

33 comments:

  1. There is no justice in this world. My smaller portion is a fat exhaler and I am a fat inhaler. So at night I collect all the fat cells he exhales (and probably those of the cats as well). Perhaps it is time to create a new list of the seven deadly sins and I believe that people who can gorge and not show it should have a place on that list. And now I have fallen into the envy trap. A person can't win.

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  2. "...gluttony is drawn to sloth as naturally as a cat to a keyboard,..." Only too true.

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  3. I love Reubanesque women and I love your post. People with over active metabolism who eat everything and stay slim are only put on earth to torment the rest of us.

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  4. Littering on top of murder. Snort.

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  5. I have long pondered what makes up the 7 deadly sins. They do seem skewed towards the male metabolism, don't they? I love your description of the differences between our fair sex and their irritating ability to eat anything and not gain weight. Thanks for the morning smiles, and have a gluttonous Memorial Day Weekend!

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  6. I have never understood why lust was on the list. What about having a lust for life?

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  7. You are a national treasure, darlin'. When's the book coming out? Seriously. A collection of the Blogs O'Murr would make a perfect gift for so many people for so many occasions...

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  8. The photo of you with a pillow under your shirt eating chips is a keeper. Yep, you supply the tangy sauce in your posts. Thanks.

    It is interesting that murder is not one of the deadly sins. I never thought of that. You are always teaching me new things and you are a youngster to my old lady status.

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  9. Laytonwoman, thanks for noticing. I rejected two or three photos because it looked too much like it was me and not a pillow.

    There is a book in the works! Can I put you down for one?

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  10. Love your posts! I laughed until my husband brought me a plateful of bacon to settle me down. Love that man.

    I'm not Catholic, so I had to Google the sins. Yep, reads like a normal day in my life. At least when I go down, I won't have to wonder why.

    Though I must say, I was feeling *proud* that I don't usually envy people. Until I saw your picture of that amazing roast going onto the platter. Thanks for rounding out my day. Now I'm envious. And hungry. Again. :-)

    Oh, and I'd buy your book, too! Let me know when it comes out.

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  11. Cheerios for breakfast, big fat roast for second breakfast! And a beer.
    My word, you could sell me anything!

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  12. In addition, have y'all noticed that Dave is one of the great silent (and still) character actors?

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  13. There is one question in my household that will always be answered in the affirmative - "are you hungry?" On the whole, it's good to be partnered with a fellow glutton. But I really hate that he can put on last year's jeans without jumping up and down, lying on the floor, holding breath until passing out, and/or weeping.

    Next time someone stares at my bulging midriff, I think I'll just tell them I have a pillow under my shirt because I am illustrating a point about the benefits of gluttony!

    Now, did someone say bacon?

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  14. Gluttony.....that's not a sin, but a virtue.
    The Almighty gave us food and drink and we would be ingrates not to appreciate it.

    T^here are a few real deadly sins though.......hypocracy, selfishness, arrogance, insensitivity, hate, cruelty and stupidity.

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  15. I think I'm Jack Spratt's wife! So unfair...I practically live on salads.

    Psst...have you tried the Lindt dark choc. with chilli?

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  16. A wonderful post smiled all the way through ...totally agree with Lo's comments.

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  17. I can tell a fake photo. The beer isn't even open.

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  18. Oh Sister Murr, you are singing to the choir, ma'am. The man o'my heart still wears the same size jeans as when I met him 35 years ago. I, on the other hand, do not. Is sitting on your duff in front of a computer to do your job for 26 years + 6 years of university considered sloth? It didn't feel slothful but it ended up with the same effect as gluttony...I don't need a pillow. It's this bloody fallen world, isn't it. Hoping 85% dark chocolate will provide salvation.

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  19. How timely this post, I had been under the mistaken impression that "Dweebishness" was among the 7-deadly sins. I am wholly relieved.

    Procedures pursuant to my recent near-death experience revealed that I am sans any Coronary Artery Disease. As a result, I am doubling-up on the Gluttony - BBQ pork ribs topping that list.

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  20. That photo is hysterical. I vote they replace "gluttony" with "judgmental" which is far worse in my book. Now pass the chips.

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  21. I approve -- of the subject and the way you said it. I do enjoy food.

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  22. I can't stop laughing. Well, perhaps I can. No, I feel another guffaw on its way out.

    I can't hoover things up quite as nonchalantly as I used to, but I'm still pretty thin. So much so that women (it's always women) occasionally express concern over my eating habits. My lack of a beer belly is seen as some sort of medical condition.

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  23. Diet advice from my retired doctor neighbor (who struggles with his own weight): "If it tastes good, spit it out!"

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  24. Fabulous post. Gluttony was invented by people who had a fine appreciation for wretched excess. It started with nobility and through the ages worked its way down to the Golden Corral Lifestyle. Excuse me while I get a fourth helping of creamed chip beef on toast.

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  25. Yeah, gluttony, ya gotta love it. And we haven't even begun on lust yet. I mean, isn't it supposed to be a Christian principle to love thy neighbor as thyself? And let's face it, love starts with liking what you see and lusting after it, so isn't there like a huge contradiction here? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself!!! Who said the Church was anti-gay???? It's all very confusing. But you make it fun, girl!

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  26. What ever happened to Dave sitting down on the couch with a head of lettuce and lemon juice?

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  27. Aren't Sloth, Envy and Pride members of the Kardashian family? Or is that the Jersey Shore? Reality teevee has just about done away with any list of sins, except for the sin of low ratings.

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  28. I would never take seriously any guy who wears a dress, carries a staff, and wears that funny hat. People drinking "too much beer" (as if) would seem to be the least of his problems.

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  29. "Basically, the good life is defined as one without joy ..."

    As a former Catholic, I'd say your right on the money about this one. So many Catholic rules seem to be about preventing harmless pleasures and thereby sucking the color and vitality out of life.

    I must confess that I am a glutton too, with salt and high-carb foods as my sins of choice.

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  30. How can I have lived all my 137 years and not discovered your blog? You write in a way that just seems to carry the reader along, like a surfer skimming over the ocean. I'm hooked.

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  31. Man, them dog years are a killer, ain't they? Welcome aboard.

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  32. Damn...good thing I'm not Catholic!

    I feel your pain about Dave not gaining weight...Jim can sit down and eat an entire bag of chips, several cookies, and half a pound of cheese in one sitting and look the same the next day. I, on the other hand, just have to inhale the smell of his potato chips, and I gain five pounds!

    Please put me down for a book too! Love your writing, Murr!

    Wendy

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