Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Better Than Chocolate

Like a lot of guys, Dave used to have trouble coming up with something special to do for me for Valentine's Day, and mostly he didn't bother. He had the usual problem: what do you do for a woman when you already cook delicious meals every day, do the laundry, clean the house, muck out the toilets, lift heavy things, take out a wall so her new piano will fit in, and forgive her cribbage debts? Or pack away meals in the freezer, complete with instructions, when you're going away for a while, so she remains at optimal pudge level? What's left, polish the cat? The Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal to honor his wife, but all he had going for him was money. Dave could sculpt it out of meatloaf. Plus he does little random things as a surprise, like fixing my bike brakes, because he knows I don't like to and let it go too long, and as I hurtle over the handlebars that first time out, the last thing I think before I smack the pavement is: that man is so thoughtful.

I don't do that much for him. My main function  is to be entertaining, because Dave puts a high value on being entertained. And if I'm not amusing enough, he can always tip me over or jump out from behind a door and that'll hold him for days, no matter the consequences, especially since he already does the laundry.

But several years ago he hit on the perfect Valentine's Day gift for me. He takes care of the spiders.

Not all the spiders. I have no quarrel with spiders. If one has set up where I'd rather she hadn't, I might escort her outside by yo-yo-ing her on her little string, but that's as strict as I get. No, he takes care of the terrorist spiders. We have a cell of them in the basement. They get together and plot missions down there, working out the logistics so that by the time they crawl up three floors and into the bedroom to dance on the smoke alarm EEP EEP EEP, it will be precisely three in the morning. After I have come unpeeled from the ceiling and done an inventory of working heart-valve flaps, and finally drifted off again, the clean-up terrorist spider comes in to finish me off. By the third spidering I am weeping and homicidal. Sometimes the attack is so well-coordinated, the whole posse goes off.

I used to think the smoke alarms did this for no reason, out of pure wickedness, but then someone told me that sometimes a bug walks across them and that sets them off, as it would anybody, I guess. My money is on the spider. Our flies are too wrapped up in bashing their heads on the windows, and our fruit flies are single-minded dullards, but spiders have that look of intelligence in their eyes (eyes, eyes, eyes). They look like they could pull it off.

I make Dave get up and disable them. If he takes out the batteries, they still go off. If he yanks them out of the ceiling, they still go off. Finally he trudges downstairs and puts them in the freezer. For a long time I assumed he did that to make them logy and lethargic, but he says, no; we just can't hear them in there. I want the smoke alarms gone. I'm told they're hard-wired in and can't be done away with, but I'm not buying it. I'm going to get a Republican to come over here with his Glock and take them out. My friend John tried to talk me out of the plan, but he's biased. His house burned down. Twice. So I think we can safely disregard his opinion.

Anyway, Dave discovered that the terrorist spiders can be almost completely thwarted by the annual replacement of batteries in the smoke alarms, and we have not suffered a significant attack on the homeland in several years.

He does it on Valentine's Day.

I should really pay off my cribbage debt.

30 comments:

  1. " get a Republican with a Glock..."
    Made me snort coffee.

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  2. I, um, have a Glock. But I'm a libertarian.

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  3. You have a gem of a guy. And doing the replacement on Valentine's Day seems perfectly romantic to me!

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  4. That's a good man. And if you can spare him, send him over!

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  5. My solution was to dismantle the damn things. When the steam from the bathroom while I was showering set it off, that was the last straw.

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  6. Yours is my new favourite blog -- and just the ticket for the February blahs. But more to the point: is Dave for sale? And with the Canuck buck .01 higher than the American greenback these days I'm expecting to "clean up" so to speak.(As a resident of Portland this is probably a stupid question, but have you seen Portlandia?)

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  7. Go with the freezer. A Republican with a Glock might mistake you and/or Dave for an illegal immigrant, a Muslim terrorist, or a feral cat (one of our republican state legislators is pushing a bill to allowing the shooting of feral cats on sight).

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  8. I've got a Walther, but I could borrow Mr. Boom's Glock (if that's the model you prefer). And, alas, Oregon's rules make it difficult to legally carry down there. Only people who don't care about following the law can be easily armed in yer neck of da woods.

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  9. pay off that cribbage debt..he may need the cash to buy batteries.

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  10. Your cribbage games may be full of muggins, but your Valentine is definitely a real winner! I'd say Dave's a keeper. Elaine

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  11. It is beginning to dawn on me that I might, after enough of these posts, be able to auction Dave off for the equivalent of an awful lot of chocolate. Hmm.

    Thanks, Andrea. I did see one episode of Portlandia and I like the idea but I didn't actually snort, so I haven't been back yet. But "where young people go to retire?" I wish I'd said that.

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  12. God, I love that man of your'n. Mine too. Could be they are brothers. And we've got the only two like them in the whole universe. What are the odds?

    Republicans with Glocks attacking terrorist spiders. Can I quote you on this?

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  13. I need to git me a Dave. That is some role reversal I could really get behind (and pinch that cute butt while I'm at it).

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  14. Terrorist spiders... I had no idea.

    As for Dave, I think you made him up just to taunt us single gals.

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  15. My favorite line of this post "optimal pudge level". I'm mortified of spiders too, especially those in terrorist organizations.

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  16. What a treasure you have there, Ms. Murr...but I suspect you know it. I have the Canadian version of Dave (although we both cook up here). Happily for me, he looks after the being entertaining bit as well. Lucky, lucky us!

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  17. Right on, Murr. Spiders can pull lots of things off. There's an Australian hunting species that can walk beyond a prey insect on a pole structure, getting behind it, and zap it from the back. A terrorist tactic for sure. And--this just out in journal Animal Behaviour:"Flexible Communication in Wolf Spiders." The Romeos lift and wag their brushy legs to the Juliets and/or tap feet or bounce their bodies to make mini-earthquakes. Their choices depend on the substrate; the seismic types are more frequent on leaf litter, which transmits vibrations better than other substrates. Call it adaptive plasticity--"intelligence" maybe a stretch--but that with miniscule brains. I don't know if they do housework.

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  18. Delightful,Murr! But the next time I'm up that way, I gotta stop by and take Dave out for a beer...or two. We need to talk. He's giving guys a bad name!

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  19. I swear! This column is a terrorist action designed to make other married women insanely jealous, and not to be trusted with a Glock or any other weapon of choice...

    anonymous for a reason

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  20. My house spiders have names and I'm godmother to their children, but just in case you need your garden plowed for spring,I would be willing to loan you our resident armadillo who's turned the entire yard into a miniature replica of a very busy artillery range. The bomb craters are incredibly realistic. Still, I refuse to let my Republican neighbors resolve the problem, mainly because armadillo numbers are declining rapidly, and that's probably due to the growing number of Republicans in the state. Sigh.

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  21. Batteries once a year. WOW! Luckily the dude I married likes to cook and vacuum too. But batteries and ladders have not made the list. maybe we need more spiders?? lol

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  22. I love the idea of being loaned a resident armadillo, but I have so little to offer in return. Perhaps a slime mold? Something in the fungus family?

    Toylady, Libertarian Glocks put to a good purpose are welcome here. Thanks!

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  23. Turns out that is my job in the household as well, spider abatement. But I've gone all technical and got a Dust-buster vac that does nothing else.

    My wife thinks that they can get out of the buster, but I hang it on the wall with the open end down. Spiders only know up. I'm smarter than they are.

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  24. If it weren't for the smoke alarm, our kids would never have known when supper was ready, according to their mom.
    On the other hand steam from the bathroom sets them off, toast sets them off. Opening the hot oven if the house is cool sets them off. They are useless as car alarms. I like the Republican with the Glock idea of controlling terrorist alarms and spiders but keep them away from my Muslim cat. He has several wives, and won't eat pork. Likely a terrorist.
    As to your husband of 35 years (I looked at your picture. Isn't getting married when you are 10 illegal in your state?) I wish I were more like he is when it comes to looking after my Tanya. But I am better than my father and my son is doing better than I, so progress of a sort.

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  25. Have you ever considered that the "spiders" are, in fact, "bugs" which have been "planted" in your house by nefarious sources to spy on you? I suppose not. But, being miniature electronic devices, their presence would negatively impact those smoke alarms. No mater where they are.

    And about the Republican and the Glock, who do you think put the "bugs" in your house in the first place? Republicans with Glocks looking for a places to do target practice.

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  26. Yours is my new favourite blog -- and just the ticket for the February blahs. But more to the point: is Dave for sale? And with the Canuck buck .01 higher than the American greenback these days I'm expecting to "clean up" so to speak.(As a resident of Portland this is probably a stupid question, but have you seen Portlandia?)

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  27. I, um, have a Glock. But I'm a libertarian.

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