Saturday, September 18, 2010

Sniff This





Drug enforcement agents in the United States are peeved at Guyana for allowing cocaine shipments onto flights originating in their country. Officials at JFK airport in New York were incensed to find a suitcase from Guyana packed with fifty pounds of pure cocaine, but what did they expect? There's a surcharge for over fifty pounds.


The Guyana airport is currently patrolled by a trio of drug-sniffing dogs, two of them elderly and one with a bit more spark, but all three have proven nearly useless in detecting drugs. The trainers in charge of the dogs have complained that their task is hampered by the government's refusal to share (supply, rather) any cocaine for training purposes. This means each dog must be trained to learn the smells of everything that is not cocaine, and then to alert at any unknown smell. This is a long process and the result is a fully trained canine corps so decrepit they are rarely moved to lift their muzzles off the linoleum. A test dog ("Zippo") who was allowed to sniff cocaine in training proved too bouncy to be reliable, although he seemed to be getting an awful lot done.

"Zippo"
There are many uses for dogs in the sniffing world. They run the gamut from the famous bloodhound cadaver-dogs that go on search missions, to your friendly neighborhood menstruation-pointers, but there is also quite a bit of promise in the field of dogs that sniff people who aren't dead yet. With training, some dogs have been shown to be preternaturally effective in picking out people with cancer, even the ones who do not have moles shaped like Milk Bones. Rates top 99% in the detection of some forms of cancer, such as lung. The dogs are even able to detect breast cancer 88% of the time, with a low number of false positives, a record that is far better than that of mammograms. Given the discomfort many women report when they are having their breasts slammed into wafers by a mammogram machine, researchers are encouraged. Dr. Preston Pulpit of the Institute of Sadistic Medicine has proposed that a compromise protocol might be reached by pinning women in place with the mammogram machine and then bringing in the sniffer dogs. The radiology crew, widely reported as overworked and cranky, is enthusiastic.

But back to airports. Even a work crew of frail Guyanan dogs should probably have been able to detect the shipment of human heads that was, sadly, discovered instead by a remarkably loud employee of Southwest Airlines. There was nothing unusual about heads being shipped, airline officials tell us, although they were not satisfied with the package labeling. Some people have been startled by the notion that they may have shared airplane space with a crateful of heads, but this is not a concern of mine. I'm fine with anything that doesn't use up too much of the armrest.

My problem is that the number of heads, originally reported as "a whole bunch," was later revised to be "between forty and sixty." What, were they rolling around? Was it that hard to get a good count? Come on, people. These ain't grapes. Slap a post-it on every tenth head and let's strive for a little accuracy. If we're going to go to the trouble to check off the anatomical donor box on our driver's licenses, you owe us a decent head count.

20 comments:

  1. It would seem perfectly logical to have breast cancer sniffing dogs patrol the cancer patient waiting room and do their duty. Although the Mammogram Institute of America would have a hissy fit but it would be just retribution for them putting the squeeze on patients. Surely medical insurance could pay the cost of a dog bong -- along with the $400 doctor's fee.

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  2. You are amazing, yet again. Dog noses are a whole lot less intrusive, even the crotch sniffing ones (love that picture), than a mammogram ordeal. I still wonder if they did the same thing with men's testicles if they might understand a little bit better...

    They would only need one Zippy, I'm thinking. :-)

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  3. I'm sorry. I'm sure I had a comment for your post, but I just read the words, "dog bong," and now I've forgotten what it was.

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  4. I would much rather let a dog sniff my boobs then have them crushed to within an inch of their lives. But what's with the heads? Are they shrunk or being exported for shrinking?

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  5. I think I'd rather get squished than have to deal with a chihuahua or a poodle.
    Just sayin'.
    Why no, I've never been squished, how did you know?!

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  6. Get the dogs to count heads instead. And dogs are usually so keen to smell ladies at the best of times, it seems a natural step to get them to sniff breasts.

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  7. So I take it TSA has not trained any "head sniffing dogs" yet. I didn't realize there was such a big demand. I can think of a dozen "head related" puns but will try to spare everyone that agony.

    I am not a big fan of dogs anyway; those that breed them as food items have the right idea, I believe.

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  8. Oh I just knew if I hit your site I'd get the laugh I needed to make it through the afternoon! Just great, Thank You.

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  9. Love your post!! Really does make me laugh... Now if I can just get that picture of the head out of my mind before I go to sleep....

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  10. Lends a whole new meaning to "heads will roll", doesn't it. And thanks for the reminder to get squished.

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  11. Replies
    1. My dog sniffs my jeans seat and my boyfriend gets off on that he even used to take pictures also Brenda K

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  12. Zippo the snorting dog made my heart sing. The bagged head...I have to curl into a fetal position for awhile. Maybe a boilerplate warning for graphic content? Liam looks over my shoulder an awful lot.
    I do need to know the ultimate destination of the shipment, however. You can't just throw a bagged head out there and not tell me why they were shipping heads in the first place.
    Gotta go--Chet Baker is staring me into our morning run.

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  13. I'd rather have a nice-friendly canine sniffing my boobs any day.

    As for the heads... yeah, that's a vision that'll be hard to get rid of.

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  14. So what are they concerned about? Are dogs really going to get hooked on cocaine after a few sniffs? And wouldn't finding cocaine be mighty fine motivation if they did?
    I think I'd prefer a cocaine addicted dog to a human addict any day. Or do cocaine addicts all pose a very strong possibility of mayhem?

    Could these dogs also be used on the streets to find cocaine in the possession of dealers?

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  15. What Julie said. Because sometimes Kelly looks over my shoulder.

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  16. Well, the worst thing is how many image hits you can get typing in "severed head in a bag." I do take a lot of my own photos but I still draw the line somewhere. As I understand it, there is a need for heads for medical education/dissection purposes, and they are routinely shipped about. The airline folks were upset that this batch was not labeled properly, but it makes you wonder if they would have opened them up if they'd been addressed to Guido.

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  17. Speaking of "not labeled properly", this post could have used a NSFW warning!

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  18. What do the hell does anybody do with 40 to 60 heads?! Cocaine, I understand. Cadavers, I get. Cancer-sniffing pups, sure. But heads without bodies? WTF?!

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  19. Oh I just knew if I hit your site I'd get the laugh I needed to make it through the afternoon! Just great, Thank You.

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