Saturday, June 26, 2010

Legendary Hotness





Climate science is very complicated. There are reams of data to collect and analyze about a multiplicity of systems interconnected in an infinite number of ways. Throw in feedback loops and the whole enterprise seems almost impossibly complex. It's serious business. How is the average person expected to make sense of it all? It's simple, with the Peter-Meter. Earlier last year, when a couple of British scientists were discovered talking smack in their emails, the very foundation of climate science took a big hit. But neither scientist was caught diddling the pool boy, so we were unable to come to any conclusions.

Fortunately, now we've got much more information to go on. Al "Call me Al" Gore has been rumored to have engaged the services of a massage therapist here in Portland who had more legitimacy than he was counting on, and before you could say "lock box," a convenient hand of truth was shoved down the groin of mendacity. Mr. Gore reportedly thought the Northwest Passage was open and had his mighty vessel all ready to break through, but it was not to be.

At first, many of us were inclined to discount this story, putting it down to the legendary hotness of Portland women, but as the tale unfolded, it became clear we have all been taken for a ride. Mr. Gore allegedly attempted to remove the straps of her camisole, revealing the underpinnings of the global warming hoax. Then he flang the woman onto a bed and launched himself on top of her with a thwomp and a wobble, and that, ladies and gentlemen--that is the sound of glaciers growing, of seas retreating, of hurricanes relaxing to swizzle-stick velocities. It's over, folks. There's no need to panic anymore, no need to soldier through the mountains of research, and best of all, no need to change a thing.

Senator James Inhofe has said that all along, of course. Senator Inhofe, who has irrelevantly siphoned off tankers of oil industry cash, nailed global warming as a hoax a long time ago. So we will have to take him at his word, at least until he bangs the maid.

Oh, if only Copernicus had been revealed to have a wide stance in the bathroom, we'd already have that sun back revolving around us, just the way God set it up.

27 comments:

  1. Another great piece. I am so out of the news loop that this is the first time I've heard of Al's folly, or should it be Al's Follies?

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  2. I confess the need to have read this one twice to catch all of its glory.

    "(N)either scientist was caught diddling the pool boy, so were unable to come to any conclusions."

    This made me laugh (literally). Then it made me cry (in my soul - where it counts). How sadly true of us.

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  3. I got off track somewhere. There was something about the legendary hotness of Portland women and then I could swear I was flashed a picture of sunny buttocks.

    What was the subject? Oh, do you really climb letters with a tool belt and pose with a rose just for a picture to put in your blog.

    You see how hard it is to maintain focus these days?

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  4. Good grief, Jerry, didn't you see what we had to do to illustrate Lady Justice? Let alone The Music Of The Spheres.

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  5. Oh dear. I have spent the last decade raising thousands and thousands of dollars for climate policy that would lead the world to safety, and all we had to do was lead Al astray? Soooo much cheaper! Well thank goodness that one's been fixed. Now we can move on to proving the moon landing was a hoax.

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  6. HA! I knew it was all a hoax! And that was BEFORE I banged the maid.

    Been far too long since I heard the phrase "wide stance"...thank you.

    Excellent post, sparkling with wit and some rather imagination-capturing images.

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  7. Climbing the ladder to success a la Dorothy P.! Well done...again!

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  8. Murr, Murr, you never disappoint. Thanks!

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  9. Sad for the global warming cause that Al is just another run of the mill horn dog, but oh so good for comedy.

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  10. Fantastic pose. I can just see you as the centrefold in Toolbelt Monthly. And I'm not sure I ever believed Al Gore anyway. Had a thick neck.

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  11. The Gore Grope allegedly happened in 2006 and NOW it's NEWS??!! It's not like Al did a "Cheney" and shot her in the face while Polar Bear hunting.

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  12. Am I the only one who has a difficult time believing that Gore was capable of this behavior? Gore? And am I the only one who is completely grossed out by the thought? Not offended, no; just grossed out...

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  13. A local paper wanted very badly to write about it earlier, but none of the information hung together enough for them to feel confident about it. As for the rest, I used to think Gore was really handsome. You know, before he got a little chubby.

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  14. Excellent. Thanks for the chuckles!

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  15. Smellum shakedown gone wrong and preparation for lawsuit.

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  16. You might well be right, dear. Geez, I'm glad I'm not famous.

    Sort of.

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  17. Well, I suspected this all along and now the truth is out, photographically immortalized ! Murr Brewster is the Tool Belt Goddess of Portland ! Nice legs !

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  18. And now all we need to know is who Heron is so I'll be able to recognize the stalker.

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  19. Elizabeth BrewsterJune 29, 2010 at 2:11 PM

    She has disgustingly nice legs. Doesn't she know how old she is?!??

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  20. The above is a demonstration of my niece climbing into and then leaping out of my will.

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  21. "Al 'Call me Al' Gore has been rumored to have engaged the services of a massage therapist here in Portland who had more legitimacy than he was counting on, and before you could say "lock box," a convenient hand of truth was shoved down the groin of mendacity."

    Wonderful, Murr.

    I'm a little disappointed in Al, who seemed just boring enough to keep his penis away from women other than his wife. I guess I ought to know better by now.

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  22. Simply put, you crack me up!

    "Call me Al" is well known for copious sweating. Doesn't that add a lovely image to the story?

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  23. "Al 'Call me Al' Gore has been rumored to have engaged the services of a massage therapist here in Portland who had more legitimacy than he was counting on, and before you could say "lock box," a convenient hand of truth was shoved down the groin of mendacity."

    Wonderful, Murr.

    I'm a little disappointed in Al, who seemed just boring enough to keep his penis away from women other than his wife. I guess I ought to know better by now.

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  24. Elizabeth BrewsterApril 5, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    She has disgustingly nice legs. Doesn't she know how old she is?!??

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  25. You might well be right, dear. Geez, I'm glad I'm not famous.

    Sort of.

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  26. Well, I suspected this all along and now the truth is out, photographically immortalized ! Murr Brewster is the Tool Belt Goddess of Portland ! Nice legs !

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  27. Sad for the global warming cause that Al is just another run of the mill horn dog, but oh so good for comedy.

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