Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Blogosphere Is Flat

I was trolling the Internet the other day when I tripped over a blog with a post entitled "Eight Reason's Santa Claus Must Be A Conservative Republican." This didn't look good, but following the same instinct that compels me to flip through the National Enquirer in the checkout line, I clicked on it.

Danger! Danger!

It wasn't good. The blogger was a fan of both conservative Republicans and Santa Claus and he went on about it at some length. I found this absurdly upsetting. Santa Claus is the major figure in what passes for my religion, one in which happy fat people and sugar plums and exotic roof mammals play prominent roles, and I found myself as appalled by the blasphemy as any other fundamentalist. In a gingerly way, I appended a comment to the many approving comments on his post, just to tilt the universe back a little towards normal.

Danger! Danger!

"I agree," I wrote. "Santa Claus got fat working one day a year and living off the labors of a platoon of elves." Something like that.

Well.

The first woman to respond to my little bit of fun disapproved, describing my comment as "snarky." The entire original post was snarky, of course, although from her standpoint it bloomed with truth, which made it not snarky. I refrained from pointing out that if I had really wanted to be snarky, I would have edited the post and all succeeding commentary for grammatical and punctuation errors, and who has that kind of time? However, I did put in another comment.

Danger! Danger!

Then everyone piled on. I was set straight on any number of misconceptions I am laboring under. Because of people like myself, who exist only to suck on the life-blood of hard-working Americans, our entire engine of commerce is about to run off the rails. My President is an actual devil and a Nazi and bent on destroying all that is good. Wealth is always in the service of goodness, and the extremely wealthy, if left properly alone, will pull the worthy up to prosperity. The tiger of industry will surge forth if I quit stepping on his tail, and our destiny, if not thwarted by socialism, is to wring all the use out of this planet and stride on the unblemished plains of Zargon, which we will reach either because of our scientific ingenuity or by catching a ride on the next comet of righteousness; and the only thing keeping us from oblivion is the fierce defense from upright and (by the way) heavily armed Americans, who will continue to stand tall and proud whilst socialist peas roll beneath them and eventually fall off the ends of the earth. And I must not dare to decry the violence that is surely coming my way, because--referring, inexplicably, to violence--"your side started it."

Well.

Now I'm all depressed. I was tempted to continue, but it was becoming clear that even if you picked off one gopher of ignorance with a shot-pellet of wisdom, there's a whole golf-course full of them out there. And where do you begin? Do you mention that "nanner nanner" has two Ns in the middle? Do you start by gently pointing out that, in reality-world, it has long been known that peas will not roll off the ends of the earth, because it's really like a giant plate with a lip all around it?

It's not just that you don't know where to begin. There's no ending it, either.

29 comments:

  1. I applaud your efforts to inject a bit of sanity (and perhaps, logic) into comments on a blog, but I am frequently amazed with flaming in the commentary sections of blogs (or youtube, etc.). Do these people actually think they are going to change other's minds with bigoted or vicious remarks? That usually just promotes more flaming, and you would think they would have better things to do with their time.

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  2. or as Ogden Nash (I think it was) said, "Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." I know he said, "God in his wisdom made the fly and then forgot to tell us why." And every once in awhile you just have to swat them.

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  3. Can I get your autograph before you get really, really famous. You need to have your own column!

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  4. Ah, the dreaded PIG PILE! I got engulfed with one of those on a blog that I would read occasionally and I took one "misstep", by their standards and it was like shooting fish in a barrel.
    The Intertubes can really bring out the ugly/stupid/mean/bigot/etc. out of some folks.

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  5. As far as internet comments go, people want to hear (read) comments that complement what they think, in order to find team mates to gang up on the outsider that thinks differently and dares to say so. The chances of changing anyone's mind is very small through comments and forums - it only turns into a pointless back-and-forth discussion in which users throw comments /at/ each other. I think the winner is the one that makes the other make a fool of themselves and/or give up, but I don't know the official rules.

    I believe that it's hard to change anyone's mind about something they have strong beliefs in. People (in general) are not open to the "enemy's" ideas, and we are not going to open our minds to the other side's ideas because we are so sure of what we believe in. Now, the story is different when it's someone you like, love, have a crush on and/or admire who tells you to reconsider something. Basically, to change someone's mind, you have to go undercover.

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  6. I stepped in a pile of smelly internet doo doo when I naively answered a question that came up in a blog (an area where I had expertise); evidently they simply didn't LIKE my answer, so now they really HATED me! I stepped away and didn't respond to all the bullets sent my way. Won't do that again!
    I agree with everything you say Murr, and if I didn't, I'd shut my typing mouth and wait for the next blog from you.

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  7. @ Murr: Wonderful, as usual, but for some reason it didn't leave me laughing this time. Well, there was "exotic roof mammals", for sure.

    @VR: Well said, but a mere echo in the wilderness of ignorance and self-satisfaction.

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  8. Dearest Vivi,
    If there is anything in my vacuous mind you would like to change, I for one am ready to join you undercover. I suppose, however, there is quite a line since your appearance as the hot Russian blonde in Murr's last post.

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  9. Oh. My. You brave, brave woman! I'm speechless.

    (I was tempted to put some obvious spelling mistakes in my comment, but couldn't figure out how someone could actually spell any of that wrong.)

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  10. Love the "comet of righteousness"!!! I'd like to sell tickets on one for some folks I know...

    There's an endless stream of nebishes out there, that's for sure. My 16-yr-old son loves doing that kind of back-and-forth online, but more for the entertainment value and not any delusion that he'll actually change somebody's mind. I don't have the patience for it!

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  11. Why, that sounds like my Thanksgiving, Murr.

    Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to sound smart if fired fast and thick enough.

    Flying blog monkeys are great if they're working for you. I had a troll stalking my blog in the early years, accusing me of all kinds of errors of judgement and impugning my character. My beloved flying blog monkeys would pigpile on him whenever he appeared, but in the end the only thing that worked was comment moderation and instant deletion, removing his masochistic gratification. And the rat stopped pressing the lever, but not before posting a screed about what a horrid person I am on his own lil' blog.

    I do think there's a danger in blogging, that we surround ourselves only with those who laud us, and for that reason I'm grateful to be corrected when I make a misstep, and I acknowledge the person who caught me out. I remind those who get snarky that they'll be deleted if they don't play nice. Character assassination and pure nastiness gets deleted. If I feel I need a good dose of that, I check the comments on my NPR commentaries, where the truly unhappy people go to work out their issues.

    Your post is a funny, yet unfunny reminder of how the blog atmosphere quickly becomes rarified and exclusive. Small wonder I stick to posting about animals, birds, flowers, dogs. I'll never forget the lady who, when I posted a picture of two happy donkeys on Election Day 2009, scolded me for being a Democrat, and told me she had always enjoyed my writing before THIS. I told her that, last I checked, nature had no political affiliation, that my blog was a personal journal, offered free for her entertainment, and that she was free to click elsewhere for her daily hit.

    Great, great post. Save yourself some time and trouble--stay away from the Dopelers, and shower your genius on your loving blogmonkeys.

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  12. Ooooo! You mean when I grow up, I'll get to have my own flying blog monkeys? Whoa. I'm still a little frightened of that portion of The Wizard Of Oz, though, so maybe I'll wish for something a little more low-key. Support Salamanders, perhaps.

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  13. Chronically gronked!
    Chief support salamander here

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  14. GRONKED! Okay, don't make me turn off the "you can be anonymous" button--who is my chief support salamander???

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  15. Hint: I am also the president of the admurration society.

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  16. In that kind of situation, I like to use a snappy handle, in hopes it will cause at least some of them to get stuck calculating pi for awhile. "Cue Flying Monkeys" is one I've used. Never go back for round 2, is the best advice as far as I'm concerned. Snark and run.

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  19. You really are a social activist! I applaud your internet argument and hope to see you on the www battlefield! We will blog these neocons into submission!

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  20. Being the glutton i am, i went to the site you mentioned. Now I am totally creeped out. But you are a bigger glutton in responding so many times to their comments. Well, thanks for trying. I admire your effort.

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  21. This post appeared at the end of a news week that had plunged me into a seemingly bottomless funk. But the image of the giant plate with a lip around it made it better. Not all better -- that's only if the plate turns out to be Portmeirion -- but better.

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  22. I don't know about blogging neocons into submission. I don't have the heart for it. However, I like the idea of the occasional drive-by snarking.

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  23. @davidprice

    You should remain the way you are. =) Unless you're against chocolate or something.

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  24. (my Dave reads this, so those are the only covers I can talk about. shh!)

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  25. @davidprice

    You should remain the way you are. =) Unless you're against chocolate or something.

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  26. Chronically gronked!
    Chief support salamander here

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