You'd Think They'd Be On Snow White's Side

The Trump administration has announced the rollback of major provisions of the Obama-era Poison Apple Elimination Act, prompting outcry from progressives who hate freedom. "How can the Republicans be in favor of poison apples?" they demanded on the Senate floor. Majority leader Mitch McConnell's cheeks plumped in an indulgent smile.

"The government should not be in charge of determining which apples are poison and which are not," he explained tartly. "This is simple overreach. The market is perfectly capable of sorting out the apple situation."

"That is absurd," thundered Democratic Senator Jeff Merkley, exhibiting the first stages of flabbergastion. "It is entirely within the government's purview to protect American citizens from poison in their food."

McConnell had already left the chambers. "Hogwash," he replied, through a spokesman who vouched for his familiarity with hogwash. "This entire bill has had the effect of damaging the Apple Pie industry. Democrats simply don't trust Americans to choose their own fruit products."

"Democrats Wage War On Apple Pie," read the tabloid headline. Yellow-headed anchorettes from Fox News drummed the theme. Sources say the original Poison Apple Elimination Act was the brainchild of Democrat Senator Phil Necro after he was discovered trying to kiss a beautiful young woman who was already dead and in a casket. "I was merely trying to smell her lips to determine the cause of death so we can avoid this dreadful calamity in the future," he said, shortly before resigning to spend more time with his family.

In an interview on Fox News, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan assured Democrats that this action should not be taken personally. "The President is merely trying to target waste in government by rolling back all legislation enacted between 2008 and 2016. It is not possible," he said, "to conduct the careful review that Americans demand and expect while these laws are still on the books. They must be withdrawn before they can demonstrate any effects."

Democratic leaders met behind closed doors with speechwriters and polling experts to speculate on how they had become the anti-apple-pie party. It was agreed that nothing good could come of pointing out that Republican Rep. Morguetrotter had been caught in exactly the same situation as Senator Necro without suffering reprimand of any kind from his party. "I can hear it now," groused the consultant from Public Relations, adopting a mocking tone. "What Mr. Morguetrotter does in his free time is not something the American people care about. And unlike his Democrat counterpart, he didn't introduce needless job-killing legislation that hamstrings the apple pie industry. In fact, the congressman is proud to say he didn't do anything at all."

Everyone slumped.

"We can go ahead and let that Morguetrotter business play out on Facebook, as usual," the consultant went on, "but our constituents don't spread 'gotcha' memes like that as much. They're too wrapped up in climate change and civil rights issues."

"As well they should be," Merkley snapped. "Did you see that massive giveaway to the coal industry those assholes are cooking up now? They're pulling us out of solar and wind until they've taken down all the mountains in Kentucky."

The consultant riffled the papers in front of him, and stabbed a finger at one page. "Ah. Here it is. The Heritage Emissions Protection Act?"

Merkley lowered his head to his desk and began to pound slowly.

"Thing is, they keep funneling all the money to their wealthy cronies while ginning up all these controversies to distract us. Like that NFL taking-a-knee fiasco. How did that peaceful protest get to be a dig at our armed forces? How did we lose control of that story? It's utter bullshit."

"I know! Let's do it their way! 'Republicans take stand against jobs and American workers' rights by demanding that professional players exercising freedom of speech be removed from the football field.'"

"I'm on it," said an aide, tapping away at his phone.

"Fake News!" the President tweeted twelve hours later. "Nobody loves field Negroes as much as Republicans do. Believe me."

What Does It Take To Urn Your Love

There are some rare subsets of humanity out there, such as people

with AB-negative blood, people who can roll their tongues upside down, and necrophiliacs, but even in these select groups, Kristina Ehrenborg-Staffas is something of an oddity. She is the Swedish woman who was recently charged with "violating the peace of the deceased," which, if you ask me, is over-delicate. It wasn't the peace she violated. More the deceased themselves.

Broadly defined, necrophilia refers to the practice of sexual gratification with those who are well past the age of consent. If memory serves, this is not the first time I have mentioned it in this space, and I'm sorry to resurrect the subject, but it will not stay down. Am I especially drawn to these stories? Of corpse not. Hey: some people think Paul Ryan is sexy. I'm not here to judge.

Motivation runs the gamut. Some people do not like to talk during sex. Some people really don't. Modern psychologists have identified ten varieties of necrophilia, but in the most common variety, the draw is that the object of desire doesn't go away. One assumes that the practitioner usually has a problem with that.

Whatever the incentive, the practice has probably been around as long as people have. Officials in ancient Egypt took the precaution of letting the prettier dead women ripen for three or four days before handing them off to the embalmers, who were known to be a randy bunch. In other societies, it was thought noble to have sex with the corpses of virgins--a matter of solemn duty. Because their souls would never find peace otherwise. It was doing them a favor. Here we have an example of starting with a conclusion ("I would like to have sex with a virgin") and then cooking up a justification. That's another enduring human practice. Even today, people start with the conclusion ("I love money") and work backwards until they have the rationale ("trickle-down theory"). The parallels with screwing the innocent are remarkable.

But in general, most people do look askance at the practice, which is reviled across most religions. "Thou shalt not have sex with dead people" is pretty much the missionary position. Even individuals with no religious affiliation usually believe that necrophiliacs come to a bad end.

So that's why Sweden, an otherwise tolerant nation, has Ms. Ehrenborg-Staffas in custody. What makes her stand out, even among necrophiliacs, is that in her case the phrase "jumping someone's bones" is not as metaphorical as we'd like it to be. When it comes to sex, normal people might reasonably disagree on whether it's the meat or the motion. For your standard necrophiliac, it is definitely not the motion. For Ms. E-S, it isn't even the meat. The object of her affections is a collection of skeletons, including five skulls and an entire spine. Many people are drawn to deep-set eyes and strong cheekbones, but still. It is suspected she arranged her bone collection in sexual situations. She had enough material in her possession to mount a plausible tableau with a UPS man and a pair of pool boys.

I have observed before that although I am fine with venerating the dead, I'm not that particular about venerating their remains. You all can make tomato cages out of mine if you want, because I will be through with them. And yet I do find this woman's collection a little disturbing.  I've searched my mind for places a person might score a human skeleton, and none of the possibilities is real appealing. And she has a whole set. What's next?

If there's anyone out there looking for a good piece of ash, I don't want to know about it.