It Came From Out Of The Sky

Daddy! Come look! There's water falling right out of the sky, just like Grandma said it used to do!

Get your pale little fanny right back in here. Your five minutes are up. And you can't take everything your Grandma says right to the banking app.

She said it used to do it for months on end sometimes.

That's just the kind of thing I'm talking about. Use your common sense, boy. Remember what Grandma used to say about Florida?

She said that's where the old folks used to go when they retired.

Exactly. Now think about that. Why would anyone ever go to the Sunken Peninsula? It was just an expression. Like when we told you we took Rover to live on the farm.

Rover isn't on the farm?

Rover's fine. He's fine. What I mean is your Grandma comes up with some stuff sometimes.

What about the solid water? She said sometimes the water would go solid. She said she'd roll it into a ball and smack her brother in the head with it.

That I believe.

And there's be so much solid water that they'd pile it up in the mountains.

Where it would get all dusty. Eww. Solid water! As if!

No! She said! She said there used to be a lot of it in the olden days. That they had to have solid water to stand the mastodons up on.

See, right there. Mastodons? Your grandmother doesn't know anything about mastodons. She only goes back to the Cruz administration, and there haven't been any mastodons since Noah economized on cubits. What is it they're teaching you in the Edu-Pod these days?

But Crayonce's Grandpa said the same thing. That water used to fall right out of the sky, all the time.

I know, son. The old folks used to tell me the same stuff. And rainbows stretched across the sky like giant oil slicks! And there was a beast with a single horn coming out of the middle of its head! And tomatoes and corn came right out of the dirt. And people used to eat things that floated around in the ocean. It's revolting. If Grandma saw water coming out of the sky, why isn't she rich? Get in here before you dissolve.

But it's true! There's water coming out of the sky right now! Not a bunch, but little bits of it! Come look! We could take all our jugs and set them up on the, on the--the place Grandma calls a patio. Where she says they used to sit around, of an evening.

God help us.

And maybe they would all fill up with the water that's falling out of the sky.

Son. I'll break into next week's allotment if you absolutely must have water. The good stuff. With the minerals and the marketing in it and stuff. Where does water come from? Do you even know? You kids, I swear! They drill it. They mine it. They put it into bottles and your daddy and your mommy shovel data all day long to be able to buy it. Water doesn't just fall out of the sky, son. And what if it did? Would you drink something that came out of the sky? Do you know where the sky has been? It's all smoke and coal and farts up there. Now get in here before your eczema gets eczema.

What if we drill too much and we run out?

Son. You have to have faith. The Lord will provide.

What's faith? Is it like a drill?

It's more like a leaf blower. It takes all the chaos and things we don't understand and blows it into tidy little piles that make sense. If we run out of water, and we have faith, the Lord will take care of us. There are scads of other planets.

Why can't the Lord just put more water here? I get carsick.

Faith, son, faith. It's not for us to know how it works. But it will be easy. There'll be a portal or something. It'll open up for us once we...retire to Florida. And then we'll be on our new planet. There'll be a planet for you and me and Mommy.

Grandma said you could go to hell for all she cared.

And with any luck, there'll be a planet just for Grandma.

It's CroMagnificent!

Have you tried to lose weight, but the pounds keep coming back? Sure you have, you big fatty! But you haven't tried the CroMagnificent Plan! Eat anything you want and watch the pounds literally melt away. Yes, the CroMagnificent Plan is based on the scientifically proven fact that we all have a little Neanderthal in us. And were the Neanderthals fat? No! A little roomy through the hips, maybe, but they were strong and sturdy and well-defined, often with attractive collarbones, because they literally melted fat away with the fire in their loins. All we need to do is get back in touch with our loins.

Loins are something our ancient forebears had--that's what they put cloths on. But we still have loins today, buried deep within our trousers, and with the CroMagnificent Plan we too can learn to light a fire in them.

But Murr, you say. Did ancient people eat genetically modified, hybridized, antibiotic-laced Frankenfoods? No, they did not, because they didn't have any. But they would have been scarf-city if they had. Remember, it's not what we eat. Mankind is blessed with a big brain that instantly analyzes all new food items and sends new instructions to the metabolism accordingly. As long as the fire in the loins is going, fat will simply melt away.

The ancients did it by hunting the largest animal they could find--the mastodon. Mastodons were pleasant-natured beasts but they could be made irritable with enough spear points and the danger always existed that they could fall over on the hunter at any time. The mastodon-hunting man had loins aflame.

But Murr, you say. We no longer have any mastodons. What can we do to light the fire?

Glad you asked! First we need to realign ourselves with the magnetic field as it existed in the Pleistocene. The poles have changed several times since the Legacy People were lighting fires in their loins, and in order to recalibrate our systems we need to eat while facing the north pole and hopping 180 degrees clockwise to the south pole, repeating until a fire is kindled. (For our friends in the southern hemisphere, do just the reverse; equatorial people may spin in place.)

Then we can summon the fat-melting loin fire by using our big brains to imagine the mastodon. We need to develop our fears, using the power of gullibility. So grab your nuts and Cheez Doodles and start ruminating! Begin with our starter package. Here's how it works: Obama and all the other Muslims are actually holograms created by the CIA to distract us from domestic affairs so that we begin to consider single-payer health care every time we feel a little cancer coming on. And once we have been herded into government health care we will all be given mandatory vaccinations that will weaken our resolve until we voluntarily turn in our guns and then it's game over, send in the comet.

Feel the burn yet? Sure you do!

That's it! That's how simple it is. Anyone can learn to do this on their own, but you can jump-start your fat-melting powers by ordering the Muslo-Pac* for five easy payments of $19.95. Act now and we'll throw in a bottle of loin-kindling supplements absolutely free. Hurry!

*Also available in Roswell and Leviticus.