Death Panels, Unplugged

It's not surprising that it was our own Representative Earl Blumenauer who was originally responsible for introducing the idea of Death Panels into the national conversation about health care. Oregon, after all, has long been known as the home of grey skies, rain, abject melancholy, and death. This is what makes us great. This is why we have thriving independent book stores, terrific beer and top-notch palliative care.

To be fair, he did not actually propose Death Panels per se. Or even per at all. Mr. Blumenauer merely observed that our modern way of death often reduces us to a carton of skin and pain, with a detectable electrical quiver. This is a condition that might be maintained for some time, at the expense of some other portion of the healthcare-consuming population. Medical and legal establishments have colluded to make this scenario mandatory if one has not had the foresight or opportunity to express one's wishes. He proposed allowing Medicare to reimburse doctors for their time discussing end-of-life care for anyone interested.

Opinions vary as to how much and what sort of care one might wish to sign up for. One member of my family made us swear we'd put a bullet in her head the day she needed her butt wiped for her. I, on the other hand, might opt for a host of medical interventions as long as I am still cheered by hearing Vladimir Horowitz play Stars and Stripes Forever, or thinking about ducks. For the record, I'm fine with any one of you wiping my butt.

If you don't understand and express your preferences, you run the risk of being escorted into the beyond mangled, miserable and late. Mr. Blumenauer wanted to make it easier for us to have that opportunity to make informed choices by talking to our doctors about our outlooks and options. It's a reasonable position that nevertheless seems ghoulish to that segment of society that would rather hurtle towards the abyss with their fingers plugged into their ears and everything else plugged into machinery.

Often as not, it's the very people who have their tickets to Heaven all punched who are most likely to want to postpone the trip for an extra couple weeks while they run their children's inheritance through some tubes to generate blips on a screen. It's not my choice, necessarily, but that's what all of this is about: choices.

So, what with the "death panel" thing and all, the idea never went anywhere at first. We haven't heard much hue and cry about the death panels lately. The hueys and criers got distracted when the Humane Society came out with a commitment to save all the dogs and inoculate them against disease, and they had to put out the word that there was an institution that puts puppies behind bars and shoots them.

But it turns out Mr. Blumenauer's regulation is alive and well after all. Some Democrats waited until the height of eggnog season and slipped the sucker back in the health bill, slick as a suppository. Everything was fine until a memo from Mr. Blumenauer's office surfaced that stated "the longer this goes unnoticed, the better our chances of keeping it."

Well, that always looks bad. It looks like there's something the Elites are trying to sneak past the American people, high-stepping past the American people's door with their elite Snidely Whiplash mustaches, and that's not true at all. They only want to sneak it past the Wacko-Americans.

I'm being unfair. The Wacko-Americans in question are well-meaning folks who truly do not want a situation in which we as a society decide who lives and who gets the axe. Because that's the job of the health insurance industry.

Personally, I hope Mr. Blumenauer's idea makes it this time, which it might if we're all very very quiet, but it's not something Dave and I are likely to need. We're realistic about death: we bought and used over 35 pounds of butter in December alone. We figure we might get to the end of our days sooner, but we're going to slide right out.

Sarah Palin Thinks A Think

I'm thrilled to report that, for once, I am in complete agreement with something Sarah Palin has to say. The statement in question is located on her Facebook page. Scroll down past "What Children's Book Are You?" (Dr. Seuss: Oh, The Thinks You Can Think!) and the status report "...requests help with the Move Stolen Furniture job in Mafia Wars." And there it is:

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care."

Right on, sister mama! That doesn't happen in the America I know and love, either. But let's not stop there. Contrary to what you may have heard, or may yet hear:

The America I know and love is not one in which elderly Pomeranians are sent away to be recycled into insulation batting for poor households.

The America I know and love does not levy taxes on houses of worship until they agree to open up a needle-exchange program in the basement.

The America I know and love does not submit overweight toddlers to be diced into nuggets and sent to aid groups in Somalia.

The America I know and love does not require that debutantes that are not immediately snapped up be taken directly from Cotillion and funneled into arranged marriages with large, unattractive members of the same sex.

The America I know and love does not force its citizens to drive their babysitters to the abortion clinic in tiny, underpowered cars.

The America I know and love does not confiscate its citizens' leaf blowers and insist that they eat their yard debris with a side of sprouts and a dollop of Newman's Own.

The America I know and love does not require that its public servants pass any tests of general education, civics or integrity.

The America I know and love is not engaged in research into the grafting of wings onto monkeys, although it may have secretly delivered monkeys to wing-graft studies in Jordan or Syria. Political figures in the America I know and love do not associate closely with flying butt-monkeys. Monkeys cannot fly and fling poo at the same time.

The America I know and love is a serious place with serious business to accomplish, and its public figures do not waste time leaping out of doors at the American public and yelling "boogity boogity boogity."

Oh wait a minute, scratch that last one.

In Thickness And In Stealth

People are pretty het up about Obama's plan to reform health care in this country, and no wonder. The current system is confusing, discriminatory, ineffective, heinously expensive, and ours, dammit. If we'd wanted great guaranteed health care at a great price, we'd be French.

This is America! Why would we give a government bureaucrat, maxed out at a GS-19 pay scale, the power to deny care when it could be denied by an insurance company and generate some really mind-blowing profits?

The health care industry in this country has a kabillion of our hard-earned dollars, so naturally we're very protective of it. And entities with a kabillion dollars do not customarily sit on their hands and whimper when they're threatened, no sir. A kabillion dollars can buy you a whole fleet of politicians, news organizations, and pudgy radio entertainers. A kabillion dollars enables you to manufacture pure crap out of thin ether, sprinkle it on the masses and make them swear it's maple sugar. Who eats this crap? Why, you'd have to be dumber than sheep.

So thousands of folks, enraged and woolly, have flocked to town hall meetings, carrying signs and carrying on. You've probably read about some of them.

"STATES RIGHTS NO NATIONAL MEDICAL DATABASE" (Protesters countering with signs reading "FEDERALISM NO BAKE CHEESECAKE" were reported to be from the Irrelevancy Faction of the local chapter of Cognitive Dissidents.)

"FREEDOM IS NOT FREE" (Or even reasonable, something it has in common with the health care industry.)

"ONE NATION UNDER GOD, NOT UNDER SOCIALIZED HEALTH CARE" (Right on. Socialism threatens to deliver a basic level of health care to all, but God was always a giveth-and-taketh-away kind of Guy.)

And, of course, famously, there is the fellow who bellowed "Keep your government hands off my Medicare!" He was later seen petitioning the sun to quit blocking all the light. Is it really in the interests of the species to provide this gentleman with health care? Liberals believe that they must, although they wistfully suggest that, at the least, he might be constrained from operating machinery. Forklifts, voting machines.

Many important public figures have gotten into the act. Representative Roy Blunt, Republican from Missouri, declared that, at age 59, he would be denied a hip replacement if he were in Canada or the United Kingdom. This assertion is demonstrably untruthy, and to his credit, when this was pointed out, he apologized and retracted his statement. "I misspoke myself," he admitted solemnly. "I meant to say that in Canada or the United Kingdom I would be required to demonstrate my worthiness to the government bureaucrats by hopping on my good leg for six or seven months while wearing a chicken suit." Apology accepted.

Then Sarah Palin, in a bid to wrap up the 2012 nomination of the Loonycakes Party, brought up the terrifying prospect of Obama's Death Panels, groups of government bureaucrats which will convene for the purpose of deciding whether your grandma will be allowed to live. And there may indeed be much to fear from socialized medicine. Certainly our socialized public school system has let us down, in terms of delivering a thoughtful and educated citizenry.

That said, we must here salute Mrs. LuVerne Thompson's talented class of seventh-grade boys, who were responsible for the widespread dissemination of the photos of Obama with horns, a tail, and a Hitler mustache. (Some suspect Photoshop, but according to Mrs. Thompson, "it's all real, honey. Those horns and tail were created using stem cells ripped from one of our Lord's precious potential snowflake babies, which He in his good time will dig out of the freezer just as soon as He rounds up another four-hundred-thousand wombs.") The rest, however, is almost certainly bogus. Even Obama's detractors admit he's way too cool for the Hitler mustache. But they still defend the basic allusion. After all, the health industry draws a comparison between health care reform and the worst of Nazi Germany for a very good reason. And that reason is that the Spanish Inquisition no longer packs the same punch.

Liberals are appalled at the analogy. But just wait until word gets out about Obama's secret plan to supplement the Food Stamps program with parcels of grandmother meat.