Call Me A Face-ist

The nation narrowly averted complete disaster this month with the demise of Justice Antonin Scalia. Almost immediately a low-pressure system of murder conspiracies appeared ready to collide with a strong front emanating from Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kingdom Of Coal); sources say conditions had the potential of turning into a Category 4 shit storm. But once the Fox News weather reporters, clutching their hats and any available light posts, were blown out of camera range, some of the more dangerous elements dissipated, leaving only a persistent ridge of high pressure from Republican leadership, and the nation is used to that.

It is not expected to have an immediate effect, or a long-term effect either, and the public can now rest assured that although we may experience a lot of wind, nothing at all will happen for a long time.

Senator McConnell, according to his Wikipedia entry, was "raised as a young child" in Athens, Alabama, thus putting the lie to the rumor that he was raised as a honey badger. He contracted a mild case of polio as a youngster, but his only lasting disability was his tiny sphincter of a mouth. Mr. McConnell's mouth is now so small that he can only push a "no" out of it.  "Yes" would require the extravagance of lips. When you're two Q-Tips and a wine cork away from suffocation, you learn to be on your guard. This may account for his stubbornness and intractability, now that we know he was not raised among honey badgers.

At some point just before Justice Scalia's internal temperature matched the ambient temperature of the bedroom he was found in, Mr. McConnell assured the nation that the jurist's memory would not be sullied by replacing him as though he were an old light bulb, especially given that President Obama only has the squiggly kind. He announced that the Republican majority in Congress would not consider any new nomination until the American people have had an opportunity to have their say in the November election. Not the American people who said they wanted Obama to represent them for eight years--other American people. Real American people. "We will consider a nomination as soon as we're done with Mr. Obama," he explained liplessly, "and we were done with him seven years ago."

Republicans, meeting behind closed doors, were unanimous in their agreement that the business of government should be put on hold indefinitely. Government doesn't work, they point out, so neither do they. All across the country, eager new Republican candidates are lining up to get in on the inaction. The Constitution, they say, does not require them to do anything at all if they don't feel like it.
   
"Neener neener," Mr. McConnell clarified.

The President responded by vowing to submit a candidate in due order, and spent the rest of the day chasing Mr. McConnell around the Senate chambers wiggling his finger. "Make him stop," Mr. McConnell said. "I'm not touching him," Obama said.

The Chair of the House Subcommittee on Mining and Undermining, responding to allegations that the Republican leadership is deliberately disseminating falsehoods about the President, issued a strenuous denial. "There has been no such activity," he said, affronted, "either conscious or musliminal."

The Lawsnit

Sometimes it just seems like everything goes wrong at once--your credit card gets hacked, you get into a fender-bender, your kid busts out of Juvey, all in the same week--and it must seem like that to President Obama now, too. Not only is he required to share the world stage with a Russian maniac who can't be counted on to stay on script; not only is he responsible for unrest in the Middle East among players who still can't get along even after having had a thousand years to think about it; not only is he on the hook for thousands of damp children crossing the border, but now he's getting sued. Crap. No one likes to get sued.

He's getting sued by John Boehner for going off on his own and accomplishing something without checking with Congress first. John Boehner believes that the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial bodies should be equivalent in power, and so if the legislative body isn't doing anything, the executive shouldn't be doing anything either. It's a sound argument, although it might not stand up to the defense witness, John Boehner, who also accuses Obama of napping on the job. All told, it's a little confusing what the complaint is, although uppityness may be a factor.

Specifically, what John Boehner is accusing Obama of is going off on his own and trying to delay implementation of a part of the Affordable Care Act that John Boehner does not like, because thwarting the Affordable Care Act is Congress's business, not the President's.

I'm sympathetic. I didn't know anything about lawsuits when I was little, but there were things that struck me as unfair. I didn't have that many responsibilities--pick up after myself, set the table, and wash the dishes every night. I was marginally okay with the first two but really didn't care for dishwashing. What was the point? I'd just have to do it all over again the next night. I didn't have a lot of options. Whining was out of the question. Whining was never once rewarded in our house. But it didn't occur to me to sue.

I know just the argument I'd use, too: "but I don't want to." It's airtight. But having the best argument does not always get you a win in court, as the Judicial Branch has recently demonstrated. My parents were in the business of producing civilized children and would no doubt bring up something about the social compact. I'd counter with the point that I was the baby, and expected to be provided for in every way. And that dishwashing was a direct threat to my right to do whatever it was I wanted to do instead, even if that was "nothing," which it usually was. John Boehner would understand.

Well, it turns out that presidents have been sued before. Nixon was sued; Reagan and Clinton were sued. John Kennedy was sued by a Mississippi state senator after he received injuries in an auto accident that left him unable to ride his donkey. He won, too.

So there's some good precedent for John Boehner and his friends. If they too want to sue for the right to sit on their asses, they've got a shot.