The Real Truth About Vaccines

Buckle up, darlings! Our guest today is an authentic anti-masker on a recent thread. Uppercase segments and redundant punctuation are retained to indicate sincerity:

    Why should I deprive myself of my God given human rights? Why should I deprive myself of oxygen, increase my carbon dioxide levels and re-breathe the toxins I've just exhaled? Why should I lower my immune system and make myself sick?

    This is outright tyranny, manipulation and control of others. You have zero evidence to back up your claims and have done zero research. The mask wearers are leading us all into stupidity, slavery, and sickness.

    The fact is that this virus has a 99.9% survival rate and that is what people need to focus on. More people die every day of many other things. Death and sickness is part of life, you have to learn to live with it.

    This "vaccine" is not the normal vaccine, it's GENE THERAPY, this means your genetic blueprint can be MANIPULATED and CHANGED. This "vaccine" is still in clinical trials and therefore EXPERIMENTAL, which is ILLEGAL to both roll out without informed consent and against the Nuremberg Code. We have a legal and ethical RIGHT to BODILY AUTONOMY. I could go on and on. The SURVIVAL RATE IS 99.9%!!!! More people die of the shit sold in the supermarket!!!!!!!

 

Okay, okay, Petunia, calm down--you're hyperventilating, and that might be the whole problem right there. Put a bag over your nose and mouth and...no? Well. Let's take these points one at a time. Because the real problem is nothing you say is true.

First, your God-given human rights. God never said you didn't have to mask up. In fact, in Exodus 33:23, God said "Thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." You sound young, Sweet Pea. May we see your back parts?

Next. Nobody's increasing your carbon dioxide levels or forcing you to re-breathe toxins you've exhaled. What have you been eating? What we're actually doing with the masks is mandating them as a carbon collection system to mitigate global warming. Once our masks are saturated with carbon we can drop them in the ocean. It's either this or we're coming for your hamburgers--your choice. BTW butt masks are next.

Mask wearers are not leading us into slavery. You're all mixed up. The phrase is "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some takeout," and that's where the slaves come in. They're just gateway slaves now, racing around town in their little cars trying to patch together a living out of the gig economy, with no benefits, pensions, or health insurance, but we can see where this is headed, and it's nowhere good.

About that zero evidence. Close to zero, sure, but we have administered 4.3 billion doses of vaccine worldwide so far, and some data are trickling in. Data? That means the raw bits of information with which we can draw reasonable conclusions. It's sort of like the stuff you use to conclude COVID has a 99.9% survival rate, or that vaccines lower your immunity, only in your case it's not "data," it's "bullshit."

I'm surprised you didn't mention the tracking devices we're putting in the vaccines. That's for real. But we're not tracking people like you, Peanut! We're monitoring the agents at the border so we can maximize illegal entry of future Democratic voters, ultimately achieving the goal of having more people to redistribute other people's wealth to. We also should be able to discover the optimum times to spike trees and blow up pipelines. We're planning to repurpose those, by the way. We're visualizing them filled with CBD oil, and underplanted with small labor-intensive artisanl arugula plots in a mixed-vegetation permaculture environment. You're going to love it.

Also, before you bring it up, we would never work with China to make a virus! Not until they promise to raise wages and quit using coal. Now, we have invested in bat conservation.

So. About the vaccines not being normal. True. Used to be we had to get someone to scrape scabs off cowpox victims or gather secretions from coughing and vomiting children and grow our antigens in chicken eggs just to get our vaccines ginned up, but now we can't get enough migrant scab-scrapers willing to do the jobs we don't want to do. Could be they'll come around once we lose all our crops to drought, but in the meantime, these modern mRNA vaccines that don't involve pathogens at all are really getting pretty slick.

None of this involves manipulating your genes, but if it did, I have some cool ideas. Maybe you could grow wool! You could shear yourself in the summer and wear yourself in the winter!

I'm not saying you don't make some good points. You said you "could go on and on"--absolutely true. And people do die of other things all the time. You could turn your head for one moment to scowl at a mask-wearer and bam get hit by a bus! Wouldn't that be something?

As to why you should deprive yourself of oxygen, well...there are some things to be said for that.

Meanwhile, rest assured clinical trials have been conducted and monitoring continues apace. In fact, you're in the control group, Sugar Pants. Good luck!