Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Can't Sit Down On The Job Until You Finish It


When faced with any kind of challenge to my intellect, such as figuring out how to set up my new phone, I like to vacuum.

But when suddenly presented with an entirely different challenge I'm equally unqualified for, like having my new Adirondack chair arrive in a flat box with hardware and "simple instructions" that promise I'll be up and sitting in 45 minutes, why, I jump at the chance. Surely this challenge will be fulfilling and manly and have the added benefit of pushing that other challenge further into the future where it belongs. Also, the rugs, for the moment, are clean.

I ordered that Adirondack chair a million years ago and two months ago some nice lady called me and told me they wouldn't have what I ordered until next year, but if I wanted one in Patriot Blue she could fix me right up. I don't like blue. She said "It's a really nice blue," and yet, I told her, despite her enthusiasm, I still don't like blue.

I was trying to get a folding Adirondack chair in Poly-Wood which they promise is made out of recycled milk jugs, and since we've recycled a lot of milk jugs, I thought it would be nice if they'd come back in a form we could park a fanny on. All she had was the blue and another one the color of raccoon poop. But she could send me a real cedar one to try out. I didn't want to order a set of them until I knew they fit properly. A lot of Adirondack chairs swallow people my size up and sometimes, depending on the beer supply, don't spit us back out.

Anyway I kind of forgot about the thing until I came home and this box was on the front porch. "Yay! I don't have to figure out my new phone!" I shouted, and then realized, well, shit: now I have to figure this out instead.

It came in five pieces with a bunch of lag bolts and nuts and such. And also one of those hex jobbies that you need if you want to put together a Splërfta bookcase or a Gnørg table. I was supposed to supply my own ratchet set. I have one. I don't know just how it works but I can tell it from a mallet or a plumb-bob. "First, set legs up facing you," the instructions said. "Then place the seat on top and line up the holes."

Trouble is, you can't see both holes at once. There are all these slats in the way. I toyed with the idea of shining a flashlight in one end and jiggling things until photons fell out the other end, but then I'd need a flashlight, and batteries, and three hands. Somehow I eventually dumb-lucked into hole alignment and got my bolts in and then I lost my Splërfta tool. It had to be within three feet because I hadn't moved. Five minutes later I found it in my pocket where I'd put it so it would be handy. Ha ha!

Step One completed. I have run past my 45 minutes already. Putting the arms on was next. That went smoothly, at first. Insert washer and lag bolt from outside the leg through the arm and put the other two washers on the inside. Check! Unfortunately a good thirty seconds elapsed while I located my lag bolt and then I put it in backwards.

That's my style. Three instructions is one more than I will reliably remember and with this chair I was one washer over cognitive capacity.

This step turned out to be where the ratchet set came into play, so I farted around with that for about fifteen minutes until everything snapped together and it went ratchet ratchet ratchet, but it was set on lefty loosey, so I spent another five minutes figuring out how to make it go etchrat etchrat etchrat instead. What, Murr, have you never used a ratchet wrench before? Why yes I have. Numerous times. Separated by several years and multiple memory erasures. I keep a clean slate upstairs, Boyo.

Well I did it. It's beautiful. It took me three hours and I have two screws and three nuts left ovoer, but I did it. The odd number of nuts bugs me a little, but I have a drawer for things like that. Same drawer I keep the orphan keys and knobs. If I had a welding outfit I could make garden art with it all.

Because I'm just that handy.
 
Now to figure out my new phone. Hey, who tracked dirt in on the rug?

30 comments:

  1. I thought I was the only one who doesn't care for blue. I like certain hues like cobalt and periwinkle, especially on cars. (As an aside, I've been noticing cars are getting more colorful now, after years of black, white, and silver. Cobalt cars seem to be everywhere, as well as ruby red.) But I neither wear them nor use them in decor. Even my jeans are black, not blue.

    And, man... don't get me started on navy! Navy is just black's much less attractive spinster sister.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One of our bathrooms used to be painted a color that I can only describe as the blue version of Pepto-Bismol. Thank heavens that is in the past!

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  2. Did you really need a RATCHET set for this? And are those hilarious Svedish names real? Haha! Well, a lot of drama at work here but look at the results--a fun blog and a beautiful chair! I'm impressed with both :^)

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    Replies
    1. I think I could've done it with the itty bitty tool eVENTually.

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  3. I think I would have just screwed it all together. Then again, as long as they drilled all those holes you might as well use them. On the other hand, anything that keeps us from having to figure out a new phone is a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would've just screwed it. Just one of the reasons I go to garage sales. I usually find what I'm looking for eventually, and someone else has done the work of putting it together. I can do it. I just don't like to.

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    2. The reason it's not screwed is it's supposed to fold up for storage. So it needs to move. I haven't tried folding it up yet.

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  4. A little OT but you did use gen-u-ine Swedish words so: I read that IKEA is LEGOS for adults. Great chair!

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    Replies
    1. Aren't LEGOS supposed to be fun, though? And in Harry Potter-oriented shapes?

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    2. It IS a pretty chair, isn't it? And I wouldn't say *genuine.*

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    3. It is real wood? Doesn't that mean that in Oregon, it will grow moss on the north-facing side? Do you have to periodically rotate its position to ensure an even coating of moss???

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    4. Heck, as inactive as I've been lately, I have to rotate MYSELF.

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  5. Heh heh, you said Splerfta...twice.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hate when I put something critical "in a safe place" ...

    Highly entertaining. Wish we'd had a video!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just saw where someone makes a habit of taking a photo on his phone whenever he puts down his keys somewhere he thinks he's going to remember.

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  7. Nice job! Looks quite comfy.

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  8. It's beautiful and looks comfortable. Three hours to construct doesn't sound too long to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Except that it was already 95% put together...

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  9. I recognized IKEA right away... oh, the memories! And I've had that milk-jug wood as a glider, bench and planter combos and deck outside for 11 years now. It holds up to Virginia humid & hot/cold weather very well. Congratulations!

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    Replies
    1. I'm very happy to hear that. My aim is to replace my increasingly rickety but beloved Adirondack chairs (wood, stained with pigment) with something that will last my lifetime. Yay!

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  10. JCantor@gmail.comJuly 29, 2021 at 8:10 PM

    That was hilarious! I confess I typed "splerfta" into Google translate, which thought it was Czech and that it said "sparta." Then I went back and put in the umlaut, and it decided that it was English but ought to be translated into Spanish, and the result was, of course, "splërfta."

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  11. I have loved Adirondack chairs since I was a kid, when my parents took us on vacations to Cape Cod and we stayed in a house that had some Adirondack chairs as front-lawn furniture, the planks painted in alternating red and yellow. (The wooden power-line-spool tables were painted the same way.) My wife hates Adirondack chairs, so maybe I should get one — then she won't take it over the way she has my powered recliner, which I can only lay claim to temporarily when my back goes out...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't even understand hating Adirondack chairs.

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    2. Her health problems make many things uncomfortable that I am quite OK with, and I find the list of those things quite unpredictable.

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    ReplyDelete
  13. Wait: I see blue chairs in the background.

    ReplyDelete