Saturday, October 3, 2020

Up For Nomination


I'm looking at a full-page ad here for Primal Max Red, the latest and greatest entry in the swelling male sexual performance market. Says here there have been over 200,000 studies of the enhancer, and that dude says it totally works. PMR results in a quicker, stronger, and longer-lasting "performance."

Performance! It puts me in mind of a puppet show, with the star in question popping up on the stage! Boy howdy! A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants! Let's call it seltzer.

The new pill is a combination of nutrients and nitric oxide, and unlike the famous blue pill's 5,000 mg of product, PMR contains "a bigger 9,000 mg dose." With the increased girth of the improved dose, researchers report a whopping 275% boost in blood flow in five minutes. Customers interviewed after regaining consciousness are enthusiastic. Side effects include light bruising of the torso.


Nitric oxide is the key to all this. Nitric oxide is what got the balls rolling and no one seems to care that its formula is "NO." According to the ad, nitric oxide won the Nobel Prize in 1998. That's the first time a molecule or atom bagged the big one since radium, which was awarded the prize in 1911 because otherwise it would have had to go to a girl.

Winning the Nobel Prize is a big deal and our little molecule should be proud. It's a much bigger deal than merely being nominated, as Donald Trump was earlier this year.

He's eligible because being nominated automatically proves your eligibility, and a ton of people are allowed to nominate, including politicians, cabinet members from an Earth nation, university professors, associate professors, adjunct professors, unpaid interns, and janitorial staff; members of l'Institut du Droit International, or members of the court of The Hague, or Barack Obama--he can nominate too. He didn't nominate Trump though. That honor accrued to a lutefisk-white fellow named Christian Tybring-Gjedde, who has been stinking up the Norwegian parliament for fifteen years. Christian loathes immigrants, idolizes Vladimir Putin, and believes climate change is a hoax--that the Arctic ice just melts every now and then because God loves us and wants us to have more oil. He was unavailable for comment as he was off to the North Sea to get photos of himself stabbing a whale with his shirt off.

There have been 318 nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize this year alone. Trump also shares the honor with Adolf Hitler and Stalin (twice). It is considered unlikely that he will in fact win the prize, although he can take heart in the fact that Woodrow Wilson scored it in 1920. Mr. Wilson was fêted for getting the League of Nations started, but he is also renowned for significantly reducing friction between the races by keeping them the hell apart. He re-instituted segregation in government agencies, which had up till that point been appointing Black statesmen to positions of leadership in unacceptable numbers. He also innovated Regular and Colored toilets in federal buildings. White workers, he explained, felt very strongly about toilet-seat contamination by Negro and this was a way to bring peace to the work force. When Black leader Monroe Trotter brought a delegation to the White House to whine, for some goddam reason, Wilson, complaining bitterly about his tone, had him removed. Wilson, furthermore, was a pioneer in introducing the concept of achieving peace between racial groups by favoring one and incarcerating the other. He was ahead of his time.

For his part, Trump tweeted that if Anyone should get a Piece Prize it should be him, and he has been up for it for Years, thanks to a friendly fascist from Norway, and probably nitric oxide. 

This post was written before the announcement of Donald Trump's miracle encounter with the hoax virus, but I couldn't think of any reason not to publish it anyway.


  1. Surprised that the president hasn't touted nitric oxide as a treatment for Covid-19. I have had nitrous oxide which made me smile and fall asleep. Didn't notice if it changed anything in "manland". Too busy passed out. Maybe the president will insist on some IV Lysol as a supplement. It would probably make him stiff one way or another.

  2. I know that it makes me possibly an evil, evil person... but when I read on the internet early Friday morning that Trump had this virus, which he expostulated as a "hoax", so refused to take any precautions... well, let's just say that was the giddiest I've been so far this year. I was fortunate enough to bear this news to a friend who feels the same way about him that I do, and we were giggling like schoolgirls (masked, socially distant schoolgirls.)

    It couldn't happen to a nicer guy. *snicker*

    1. It was actually shocking to me to see the footage of the latest Rose Garden event with all these people back-slapping and chatting away right next to each other. I mean, I haven't done that in seven months!

  3. I have to echo Jono's comment about 'nitrous' vs 'nitric' oxide. My oral surgeon (stop snickering) has dosed me many time with nitrous oxide, but Playtime In Manland has been the furthest thing from my mind.....And about the President's illness, I swear to gawd I saw a press conference when he was touting chloroquine, and said he was taking it himself, and that "its working great, so far." Finally, about this spate of 'mail-order doctors' offering to prescribe 'mail-order ED drugs', I am truly concerned. These are real drugs with the potential for side effects like, oh, sudden and permanent blindness (look up NAION). (Ed steps off his soapbox.....)

  4. Sadly the spirit of Quisling lives on in Norway. Upon hearing of Trump's contracting COVID, I tried my best to temper my comments on social media. But one friend's reaction summed it up: "Thoughts and prayers, Mother F****r!"

  5. I've been given nitric oxide twice in the ER for medical reasons unrelated to 'Manland', specifically a cardiac problem. FWIW the 'man' half of our 'team' was snoring peacefully at home, being averse to go to the ER unless *he* needs care. I am of course expected to accompany *him* to the ER when *he* has to go, and explain all of *his* needs, fears, dietary preferences and wah-wah to the medical staff.

    Need I point out there was no 'Playtime in Manland' for him following *my* nitric oxide administration? Nor for some time following. >:{

    As for Trumpty Dumpty and his C-19. As we'd say inna Sowth, 'Bless his heart'. Translated into Yankee, same thang Saint Mikey said.

    1. Exactly the same thing. I THINK the discovery that nitric oxide is essential to the cardiovascular system is what got it the prize, but I'm not willing to bet the ranch that the side effect wasn't a factor.

  6. Given the news, I haven’t slept this well in a long time. But I’d feel safer if he were comatose.

    1. You know? I've slept right through the night twice in a row now.

  7. Am I reading this right? Trump is nominated for a peace prize? For what? all he has done is stir things up. If his illness turns out to be faked, no one will be able to trust him ever again.

    1. Second time. Both times nominated by the same jerk. This time it was for brokering a peace deal in Israel. Palestinians not consulted...

  8. Replies
    1. Everyone around him has some version of a pre-nup, I'm thinking.

  9. On behalf of my fellow Norwegians I apologise for the nomination of Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize. Lutefisk-white fits Tybring Gjedde perfectly!

    1. It's always so disappointing to us Americans that the assholes aren't solely here.

  10. Primal Max Red... just the Name... As for the Huckster and the Hoax, well, it was inevitable wasn't it that they would finally meet?

  11. No surprise, if those Russian rumors are true, he was nominated for the Pees Prize.

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