The Anonymous Family's Prodigal Son

Aww, Sugar. Mommy missed you!

you boomers are shutting down the entire economy because you're afraid of a flu. Seriously, can you boomers kill yourselves? ...I  HOPE the virus gets much stronger and kills you all. There is not one single demographic that does not hate you--white people, black people, asians, mexicans, indians, chinese, millennials, GenX, GenZ...can you baby boomers hurry up and fucking drop dead? ...I hope you enjoy the retirement homes, boomer scum!

That's how it is. Our shitty kids go out in the world wreaking havoc everywhere and we don't even hear from them for years at a time and then bam, they're off the streets and back in our life, and not one bit better than they ever were, but by cracky, we're so relieved to see them again! We let them crash in the basement and suck up the wi-fi because that's what mommies do, but eventually we have to give them the old heave-ho again because of all the things. The grocery budget, the ominous odor wafting up the stairs, the missing money from the change jar, the noise. We give them a little warning and then the boot, and maybe they'll have grown up some by the next time they surface. That's all we can do and all we can hope for.

Anyway, welcome back, honey. Oh, your Uncle Loogey "BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN" called--wants to know if you have any spare coaxial splitters, and said to tell you he knows it was you that got into his Cheez Doodles.

Sweet boy! We know you're only a troll and a bot, of course, but still we're beginning to despair of your ever learning anything about constructing an essay. Repetition is good as a rhetorical device, but pay attention to cadence, and tighten, tighten, tighten! The list of demographics that hate boomers? Overdone. You've lost the reader by number four.

Spelling and syntax have improved since the last time you showed up, several years ago, so that gives a body hope. And the virus bit is a nice update. Before, we were advised only to "drop dead" without being given any suggestions as to method, which just leads the reader to conclude you're lazy, when there are so many intriguing options. But it doesn't help your case when the same exact screed shows up week after week, and all across the blogosphere. Sure, we know you're just clueing in on keywords such as "sagging" or "chin  hair" or "by cracky." Or maybe you have a way of detecting complete sentences and punctuation. Maybe that's what passes for research these days, but ultimately no one is going to be impressed if you repeatedly plagiarize your own self. Call me an old fogey, but "content" is not worthy in itself, no matter what you've read.

Or perhaps you are targeting blogs with old-lady wallpaper such as this one, presuming, correctly, the author is too technologically challenged to freshen things up, but you don't have any quarrel with the décor when you're cleaning out the fridge and piggy-backing off the cable. I mean, really, son. What's the point? Who asked you to take your cans of literary spray paint and tag the whole internet? Do you really imagine you're hurting our feelings?

We don't have feelings. We've got money. We're old and funny-looking and got over ourselves ten menopausal years ago. We own the houses you're crashing in and we've decided to spend most of the money we stole from your generation and bequeath the remainder to environmental organizations. Until you find someone else who has a basement, you might think about sweetening up.