Wednesday, April 29, 2020

The Anonymous Family's Prodigal Son

Aww, Sugar. Mommy missed you!

you boomers are shutting down the entire economy because you're afraid of a flu. Seriously, can you boomers kill yourselves? ...I  HOPE the virus gets much stronger and kills you all. There is not one single demographic that does not hate you--white people, black people, asians, mexicans, indians, chinese, millennials, GenX, GenZ...can you baby boomers hurry up and fucking drop dead? ...I hope you enjoy the retirement homes, boomer scum!

That's how it is. Our shitty kids go out in the world wreaking havoc everywhere and we don't even hear from them for years at a time and then bam, they're off the streets and back in our life, and not one bit better than they ever were, but by cracky, we're so relieved to see them again! We let them crash in the basement and suck up the wi-fi because that's what mommies do, but eventually we have to give them the old heave-ho again because of all the things. The grocery budget, the ominous odor wafting up the stairs, the missing money from the change jar, the noise. We give them a little warning and then the boot, and maybe they'll have grown up some by the next time they surface. That's all we can do and all we can hope for.

Anyway, welcome back, honey. Oh, your Uncle Loogey "BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN" called--wants to know if you have any spare coaxial splitters, and said to tell you he knows it was you that got into his Cheez Doodles.

Sweet boy! We know you're only a troll and a bot, of course, but still we're beginning to despair of your ever learning anything about constructing an essay. Repetition is good as a rhetorical device, but pay attention to cadence, and tighten, tighten, tighten! The list of demographics that hate boomers? Overdone. You've lost the reader by number four.

Spelling and syntax have improved since the last time you showed up, several years ago, so that gives a body hope. And the virus bit is a nice update. Before, we were advised only to "drop dead" without being given any suggestions as to method, which just leads the reader to conclude you're lazy, when there are so many intriguing options. But it doesn't help your case when the same exact screed shows up week after week, and all across the blogosphere. Sure, we know you're just clueing in on keywords such as "sagging" or "chin  hair" or "by cracky." Or maybe you have a way of detecting complete sentences and punctuation. Maybe that's what passes for research these days, but ultimately no one is going to be impressed if you repeatedly plagiarize your own self. Call me an old fogey, but "content" is not worthy in itself, no matter what you've read.

Or perhaps you are targeting blogs with old-lady wallpaper such as this one, presuming, correctly, the author is too technologically challenged to freshen things up, but you don't have any quarrel with the d├ęcor when you're cleaning out the fridge and piggy-backing off the cable. I mean, really, son. What's the point? Who asked you to take your cans of literary spray paint and tag the whole internet? Do you really imagine you're hurting our feelings?

We don't have feelings. We've got money. We're old and funny-looking and got over ourselves ten menopausal years ago. We own the houses you're crashing in and we've decided to spend most of the money we stole from your generation and bequeath the remainder to environmental organizations. Until you find someone else who has a basement, you might think about sweetening up.

24 comments:

  1. Ah, the Anonymous Prodigals and their ilk like the Mumbai Escorts and some of the more Weirdo bots and trolls I've recently Adopted on my Blog that make zero sense so I can only assume Human isn't their First Language? *LMAO* I have a hearty laugh before I give em the Spam covered Boot back from whence they came. I imagine some Human has to orchestrate their Creation tho' and what a sad little Life that must be, you're right... them clinging to us like Orphaned Children is pitiful... but I've Adopted enough Real Kids not to need any more... so they gotta find a new Basement to invade.

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    1. One of the other cool things about being older is one is not all that distressed to be hated. You've adopted real kids? The damp sticky kind? Good for you!

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    2. Yep, the damp sticky kind... Adopted Two of our Grandchildren, which we've raised since Birth. One is all grown up and in Washington State now with his Partner... his Younger Sister is 14 so I gotta last at least 4 more Years during a time of Pandemic to get her Raised... such Pressure!

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  2. Am I supposed to be depressed enough to kill myself because some troll made a bot to disparage my cohort? So what if I'm hated? That's no reason to off myself. Anonymous needs to hone his skills of persuasion (I'm making the rather grandiose assumption that he has any to begin with) and come up with better reasons to kill myself than "boo-hoo... people don't like me". That's such a Millennial reason for suicide. Then he needs to recommend some quick and painless ways to dispatch ourselves, preferably from his own experience. We already know this dude must be depressed as hell; happy people don't create TrollBots.

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    1. I'm still a little foggy about the difference between trolls and bots. If anyone cares to explain.

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    2. A troll is a person who makes inflaming statements in order to foment disagreement.

      A bot is a computer program designed to seem like a person. A bot itself can be neutral, but also can be designed to be a troll. As you've seen.

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    3. No, I vote troll. It probably emerged from human materials, but all those Participation Trophies went to its little pin head.

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  3. Puts me in mind of Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes. I have insurance. Trolls are actual people. Bots are not. But bots can troll. But trolls can't bot. Hope that clears things up for ya, by cracky.

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  4. I find myself a bit sad that this bot is unable to read your post. A bit.

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  5. I'm glad you can look at this philosophically. It just annoys the tar out of me that they're taking the time to spout their hate.

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    1. In all fairness, I don't think it takes much of their time!

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  6. When I worked the news desk I got paid by the column inch (hence my wordiness to this day), but I'm puzzled as to the payback a bot receives. A troll who is enough of a sociopath to gain some twisted pleasure from posting and reposting this pathetic and sad little rant again and again you might feel pity for, but what do you feel for a bot? It's not worth the bytes it consumes. What could possibly be the point?

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    1. I feel the same way about taggers. It's not much different from a dog pissing on the wall. "I was here."

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  7. Those above me have said it all, so I'll just move on now.

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    1. You'll note he isn't back, at least yet--thanks to you!

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  8. I was wondering what those red straps are for that you ladies are wearing in the photo. Suspenders for waders? Safety thingies for ziplining? A secret society?

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    1. Safety harnesses! We were linked to a cable while walking on a narrow span underneath the New River Gorge Bridge.

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  9. Esp. love your last paragraph, Murr- sums it all up pretty nicely. Re the bot: not enough there to even hate back - we're old enough to not even bother.

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    1. I wasn't sure how to illustrate this one, so I just reached back for random Photos Of Happy Boomers.

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  10. Oooh, it almost hurt my feeling. Think I'll go workout and stay healthy enough to live another 30 years.

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  11. I want you, all of you. I want to feel you inside me, deep inside me. I want you to tell me when you’re going to cum, hear you moan my name and fuck me harder. Hey, i am looking for an online sexual partner ;) Click on my boobs if you are interested (. )( .)

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