Saturday, November 16, 2019

Bonus Nipplage

Friend and loyal reader Tom K was intrigued by my offhand mention of a third nipple in a recent blog post about sewing. He latched onto it, as it were, and soon discovered that third nipples are not that uncommon.

Extra nipples usually show up in what is called the "milk line," or a line of embryonic tissue corresponding to where the nipples show up on your pet mammal. They're not usually quite as fancy and involved as the ones used in advertising. They might look like moles.

Men's nipples are generally considered to be useless, but in fact a man can lactate, in the right mood. That mood being if he'd been put on Thorazine, or had a pituitary tumor, or had a baby suckling on him night and day for a few weeks, or was a Dayak fruit bat. These are all pretty specific moods.

People wonder why men even bother having nipples, unless they're Dayak fruit bats where that kind of thing is just expected; and the answer is that early on, both male and female fetuses are pretty much alike, and the male fetus is just holding onto the possibility of being female, until it has to give up its aspirations and live out a life of anger and resentment.

(Similarly, females still retain a little bit of the vas deferens sperm chute too, although they have been socially conditioned not to ejaculate, especially in the boardroom.)

Truthfully, though, even lactating women don't have much call for a third nipple, and it seems like as long as we're tossing in extraneous items we could get a little more creative. Everyone remembers seeing that poor mouse with a human ear on its back. If you're going to have an extra ear--and you could make a case for that--you wouldn't want it on an unrelated mouse. You'd want it on top of your head so you can hear an Acme safe coming.

I believe someone grew the ear on the mouse on purpose to give it to someone else later. There is a man who had a second nose grafted onto his forehead to replace his own damaged one. There are people with two heads. And many people have been born with extra limbs. If I had an extra arm I'd want it in the back and use it just for wiping. But in a society that gets worked up about visible panty lines, such an innovation is not likely to take off.

A number of people have grown horns, usually on their heads. For some reason many of them are Chinese and old. One woman named Zhang Ruifang grew a decent horn out of her forehead and the beginnings of a second, right where you'd want it, on the other side. She was 101 years old and pretty chuffed about the whole thing, although I imagine she'd have preferred a matched set. She had no interest in removing them. It is a tribute to her culture that a woman who has horns and might be immortal was not abused in any way. Most of your historic Christian communities would have had those horns removed at the stake.

I'm not wild about my eyebrow mole, but a real, committed horn would be cool. Not those sissy unicorn horns, either. You stick a drill bit on a horse and people just go all to pieces. And all the glitter that comes with it is a nuisance. No. I want a bugle right on my forehead. You show up unprepared for an argument with a bugle on your forehead, you're still going to win.

18 comments:

  1. I thought it would be helpful to have a third arm in the back so that it wouldn't be so tiring to blow-dry my hair in the back. However, I realized that no one would even notice my now perfect hair; they'd be fixated on that third arm growing out of my back. Plus, even if the surgery were experimental, ergo free, the cost of clothing alterations would be a bear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dream big. It's just a hole. Pootie has one in all his pants.

      Delete
  2. Okay, I'm in! I want one! Where do I sign up? In fact I'll take two or three if I can get them. I like to go for the gusto...it's a Mildred thing. Anyway, loved the post! Great way to start the morning...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gotta be specific, just in case wishes are granted. You want the nipple or the horn?

      Delete
  3. Having an extra finger or two might be useful, although closing a car door on all of them might be more painful. Why do they put so many nerves in such a vulnerable place, anyway?

    ReplyDelete
  4. My mother always said that she'd love to have as many arms as an octopus, but she wouldn't want to have to knit a sweater for one of them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Based on the fact that I took over two months to complete one pussy hat, I agree. Although having that many arms might help with the knitting.

      Delete
  5. I can't imagine having a 3rd nipple -- the two that I possess have always been so sensitive that I've spent my adult life telling people to keep away from them, lest they want to scrape me off the ceiling.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You shouldn't have told us that. [twiddle twiddle]

      Delete
  6. NJ had a Colonial era personality named Ben, whose chief claim to fame was that he had two horns and would butt tavern doors open with them and in return receive free drinks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In New Jersey, he probably didn't even stand out that much.

      Delete
  7. Family legend has it that our Uncle David grew a 6th toe on one foot -- as an adult. He had to have it surgically removed so he could still wear shoes. I'd like more information (especially, how long did this take, approximately, and what was he doing during that time) but it seems rather callous to bring it up in polite conversation. In any case, always follow Sister Judy's advice when heading to the dermatologist: Don't show them anything you are not willing to part with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "...it seems rather callous" to bring up his sixth toe? *chuckle*

      Delete
    2. Can you bring it up in impolite conversation? I think we need more information.

      Delete
  8. I have an eyebrow mole too, but no horns and only the regulation amount of nipples, ears etc. I always wondered about the "eyes in the back of my head" that mothers are supposed to have. I sure as heck didn't get any, but I did fool the kids a couple of times by working out early on what they were up to.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Unable to send Bitcoins in Binance|Binance support number
    Are you having trouble with the exchange of Bitcoins in your Binance account? Are you unable to send the Bitcoins from Binance exchange account? Are you worried that this problem might persist and be troublesome for you in future? It happens due to server issue but if you need an advanced assistance to eliminate the doubts then you must get in touch with the advanced team of skillful people at Binance support number. A team that prides itself in solving all you problems so that you can enjoy smooth trading.
    Website: https://www.cryptophonesupport.com/exchange/binance/

    ReplyDelete