Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Happy ****ing Birthday To Me

I don't put much store by birthdays. I don't encourage anyone to give me presents. In some moods, I think a little spanking might be nice.

Obviously when I was a kid birthdays were special. But by the time I was in college, the shine had kind of come off of it, although I still used it as an excuse to drink. Which made it much like any other day. Which is how I still feel about birthdays: they're like any other day. You can think of them as a day in which you're one step closer to dead, but again--that makes it like any other day.

I like people saying Happy Birthday and stuff but I don't plan anything special. This year, for instance, the plan was to wait for the dishwasher installers to show up, which they finally did around four. There were three of them. Their hobnail boots crunched ominously on the wood floors. I worked at my computer in the kitchen while two of them ripped into the box containing the dishwasher and set it out on the floor, where it promptly tipped over with a mighty crash. I looked around and one of them said Oops. Meanwhile the third was busy hauling out the old dishwasher.

This was their second trip. The first trip they announced my water shut-off was corroded and they couldn't do anything until I got a plumber in to fix it. The plumber was a week out and charged more than the new dishwasher cost. But that's water under the, uh, sink.

The installer wanted to know if I'd ever tripped the dishwasher breaker before. Because the wires were all melted. "And if this goes far enough in, we won't be able to install it."

"You mean I'll need to get an electrician in?" This was fast becoming a thousand-dollar dishwasher.

He investigated and the damage was limited to the first inch of the wires and he said he could do it. I relaxed. Went for my email.

Just at the exact moment I finished reading the letter from my literary agent in which she said she was sorry but she was dissolving my agreement with the agency, the installer said "Uh-oh."

"What," I said, in a tone any good TV detective would recognize as homicidal.

"Have a look," he said, and I got up, made a wide arc around the kitchen knives, and had a look. Mouse turds in the cabinet hole. An inch deep.

"Huh," I said. He said nothing. There was a long pause. "Do you want me to clean that up?" I said. In fact, he did. "Do you see this sort of thing often?" I said.

"All the time," he said, although he apparently kept no vacuum in the truck, and turd removal was not in his contract. He stood back helpfully.

I got a broom, dustpan, and vacuum cleaner, and I got on my hands and knees with my ass in the air in front of three strapping young dishwasher installers, and swept up ten thousand mouse turds, on my fucking birthday, and imagined that somewhere behind a two-way mirror folks were pointing and giggling and popping corn, and I creaked back upright thinking a hantavirus was probably as good a way to go as anything, and they put in the dishwasher and left.

It's not at all the color I thought it would be and doesn't match anything. It is, unfortunately, the color I ordered. I intend to find it charming.

Donald Trump arguably was having a worse day. The impeachment inquiry had officially just begun. Then again, any day you wake up and you're Donald Trump has to be the worst day ever. Only, in his case, he doesn't realize it. He thinks he's a perfectly fine appliance, the best, like you've never seen. He doesn't know he's sitting in a tub of rodent poop.

44 comments:

  1. I've never had a dishwasher. Never saw the need with just the two of us. I see people who have dishwashers scrubbing off bits of food in the sink, and then going on to put them in the dishwasher. I just don't get it; they almost have it all scrubbed up anyway, why not just finish the job in the sink?

    I agree on birthdays. I don't celebrate them either. My husband's elderly aunt celebrated them right to the end of her life (96). One would think it would get tiresome at some point. She actually would revel in her age, saying "I'm 95 1/2!" months before her actual birthday. I don't revel; I'm heavily into denial.

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    1. I do like a dishwasher for when I have lots of people over. Otherwise, it's basically a dish hider. I don't run it very often.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Yeah, I deleted my comment - aside from the Happy Birthday part it was kinda negative and who needs anymore of that bushwah in our lives...

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    2. Well now you've got us curious.

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  3. Who needs any more birthdays?
    I even hate cards $$. My husband used to give me a card each year until I fussed at him to not do it. He kept the last card he gave me and sits it out the morning of my birthday! I love seeing that same card with the mushy message that he gave me years and years ago.
    One year he forgot to set it out. He couldn't find it. We looked high and low for that card. Found it! Those little traditions are the best.
    BTW .... Happy Birthday!

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  4. We are almost the same age; my b'day is the 23rd and I too see it as closer to dead, so no celebrating. And unlike everyone here, I guess, I can't imagine being without a dishwasher. I share some dishes with my cats and ick, I want them really, really clean. Happy Birthday! You are a gift for all of your readers.

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    1. When we had a dog, I couldn't tell if our plates were dirty or clean. Them things are THOROUGH.

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  5. Replies
    1. There's a bunch of them scurrying around in his Cabinet.

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  6. If any plumbing/electrical job goes smoothly it is obvious that something was missed. At least you have a functioning dishwasher now.
    If Trump ever developed any self awareness, let alone awareness of the real world around him, he would off himself as a favor to the world. As it is he seems to think he is god's gift to god. No wonder the evangelicals love him so much.
    Happy birthday, by the way.

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  7. If you believe the precept, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you just had a strength infusing day. You are definitely one of the chosen few.

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    1. Yeah, I don't think there's any evidence that that precept is true, but in any case my little troubles don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

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  8. That dishwasher front panel looks a lot like a blank canvas to me. All ready for decorative arts. Or just the space for layers of graffiti.

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    1. It's "Bisque." I thought that was the new word for "Almond." It's not. I can't tell it from white.

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  9. I'm sorry you had such a rough day. It was as if the universe decided that giving you blog fodder was the best birthday gift ever.

    I love our dishwasher. Even though there are just two of us, I am a slothful person & would prefer to spend my evening in my recliner instead of doing dishes.

    P.S. I'm sorry about the contract...

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    1. Thanks! It's probably for the best. We like each other a lot but she zeroes in on commercial fiction and I write literary fiction. It's a matter of taste. I'm sticking with that.

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  10. My house is too small to have a dishwasher. I do have mice tho. As a gardener I rely on dish washing to get my hands really clean. I like birthdays but not receiving gifts. Hope your day got better.

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    1. I'm with you! Except my house is ridiculously large. So we make up for it by not heating it, or cleaning it.

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  11. I hope the day after the installers left improved mightily and was poop free, and disturbing email free. Is it wrong to hope that you got a little spanking in - though I wasn't sure whether you envisaged yourself as the spanker or spankee. Whatever works. We run the dishwasher once of twice a month. I think.

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    1. Once a week tops, and probably less often. The birthday girl is always the spankee! I'm all recovered from the email.

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  12. Birthdays are good, in my opinion. Why not have a day when people think extra-tenderly about you? Admit it, you were feeling owly by the time all that stuff had happened!

    Happy Birthday, Murr. Impeachment is like a gift from the universe, is it not?

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    1. Several people credited that as my birthday present.

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  13. We tend to recycle the same card.But I think it may have been ditched when the ants got in...so unless someone gets a new card before the next B'day, someone isn't going to know she's older.

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    1. Or, possibly, quits getting older. It's all in the cards.

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  14. Just had my own house re-piped, the fuse box replaced with a breaker box and my gutters repaired, I can relate to such a domino effect.

    As peach-flavored drinks are the "in" thing in light of tRump's impending implosion, I may go through my peach-flavored brandy more quickly!

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    1. I just saw a Peach Mint Crumb Cake for sale in, what, was it the US Capitol cafeteria?

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  15. A dishwasher sounds like a mighty fine birthday gift to me, even if you did have to gift it to yourself.
    Happy Birthday. Pootie looks cute with the candle lit for you.

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    1. That was a two-second photo shoot. I salute the boy for his bravery.

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  16. Just think. In all likelihood, we're living through an historic period. The president, VP, Sec. of State and AG are ALL in this criminal behavior together and may ALL have to resign or be impeached. I don't want to jinx anything but President Pelosi seems like it has a fair chance of taking place. I cannot wait to see what happens next. Get those horrible Trumps out of our beautiful White House as soon as possible, universe!

    P.S. We are getting new kitchen counters. In addition to the plumber to disconnect the two sinks and gas stovetop, the trim around the two doors has to come off so that the counters can slide in. So I might need a carpenter too. I dread the turds when they pull out the old counters... and the dang mice have gotten into my batting closet and pooped all over my 10-yard bolt of Dream Cotton. Seven traps have so far failed to catch even one.

    Happy Birthday!

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  17. We routinely set mouse traps in the pantry and the basement. It helps to keep the turds away. We also do not use poison so we can feed the predators as we toss the little critters outside into the woods. So sorry about the expense but looks at it this way...you have avoided a massive and expensive flood and perhaps even a small fire, both of which are more expensive.

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  18. We have a nice big dishwasher even there are only two of us in the household. It's only run a couple of times a week. Husband forgets there's a spoon *in* the soup bowl, which he has been slurping down and goes and gets another one, or three, so we are theoretically a household of six.

    But a very merry Mouse-day-DW-day and Birthday, all rolled into one. We make no fuss about b-days either. Who needs 'em?
    But perhaps a spanking as your B-Day treat! Do NOT let the current administration know about that, the Puritanical Repubs will write a law ag'in and then have secret parties in the oval office spanking each other and take ALL of the fun out of it for the rest of us. So I'd keep that on the down-low and in the wood-shed if I were you! ;)

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    1. Rosy Cheeks are the goal. Hmm. I forgot what we were talking about. I need to go see about sumpin'.

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  19. Kudos to Grace for the use of "bushwah."

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    1. That's been catching my eagle eye of late. From "bourgeois," I assume?

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  20. UPDATE. I found out that our new kitchen counters, coming tomorrow, require that the dishwasher be pulled out. OMG. The mouse turds under there were unbelievable. GACK

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    1. Whoa! We usually don't get that kind of immediate satisfaction on a comment. Did they make YOU take them out?

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  21. i am ERIC BRUNT by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my wife after three(3) years of marriage just because another Man had a spell on her and she left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a man had a spell on my wife and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my wife back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my wife. Thanks for helping me Dr Akhere contact him on email: AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com
    or
    call/whatsapp:+2349057261346










    i am ERIC BRUNT by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my wife after three(3) years of marriage just because another Man had a spell on her and she left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a man had a spell on my wife and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my wife back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my wife. Thanks for helping me Dr Akhere contact him on email: AKHERETEMPLE@gmail.com
    or
    call/whatsapp:+2349057261346

    ReplyDelete