Saturday, February 16, 2019

The Justice League: Amateur Version

Let's review. Your correspondent is the eleventh of thirteen jurors selected for a civil case and is seated in a fossilized chair from the Inquisition. During quiet moments, the hip screws in the juror to her right can be heard to ease out. It's Day One. We assess our predicament.

The courtroom is presided over by a handsome judge. He is calm, clear, thorough, and altogether spiffy.

Also presiding, above him, on a ledge, is a plastic owl. A good one: no plastic rodents of any kind are observed.

The plaintiff is the only African-American man in the room. In a Portland jury composed primarily of white women in their thirties, this probably works in his favor. Unfortunately, he looks exactly like Clarence Thomas. So it might be a wash.

Right away, during opening arguments, I am experiencing a problem. Let's go back to an earlier moment. I am awakened by an alarm clock I fired ten years ago, it's completely dark outside, and I'm not going fishing. I make my way to the bus stop and am baffled and horrified by the number of citizens who are out and about without any assurance, other than force of solar habit, that daytime will arrive. It's cold. It's dark. It's sleepy as all get-out. Clearly, this is inhumane.

So now I am in the jury box for the next nine hours, and right away I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. It's early in the case, and I'm sure I can catch up, but it is important that I look like I'm paying attention. This causes stress. My eyelids are threatening to snap shut audibly. If I close them, adopting a look of concentration, there is no guarantee I will not drool, also audibly. I am told this is confusing and alarming to spectators. So we have a situation. If you have ever found yourself falling asleep at the wheel, you will recall that even the imminent likelihood of turning yourself into paste on a bridge abutment is not sufficient to keep you awake. This is similar.

The good news is, things are lively in the jury room, during breaks. My fellow jurors seem to be unusually intelligent, interesting, and funny. We wasted no time in starting a pool as to the exact minute we'd be called back into the courtroom. Nobody guessed 1:37, and so the pool grows. You want odds? What are the odds you get thrown in with twelve other citizens from a random pool and you're thinking you'd like to spend an evening playing Bananagrams with ALL of them? And might not even win?

You can't count on this. I've been on a number of juries, and there is usually at least one member who has made his decision fifteen years ago, when that asshole did that thing that he'll never forget or forgive. This case, and the conduct of his daily life, will all be run through that particular grinder of an incident and result in precisely the same hamburger every time. There will be another member who will skate right over Judge's instructions and insist "I just know it, okay? I can tell." A third will be sporting a fatal freight of aftershave.

Blue Day. You thought I was kidding?
This jury? Well. When the judge noted that two of us wore a lumberjack plaid one day (the odds of this, in Portland, are very high), we all decided to wear green the next. That had a diluted effect on account of the huge number of ways "green" can be interpreted, from "olive" to "forest" to "red check." The next day we all wore black.

Now that was impressive, and duly noted from the bench. The jury box looked, depending on your point of view, like either an execution squad or a choir loft. For those with the sunnier interpretation, be it noted that a skeleton hanging from a gibbet showed up in the courtroom on the same day. Don't mess with this jury, is what I'm saying.

We're doing charades next week, Bianca's bringing in donuts, and Martha brought enough gimp we should all be able to go home with a lanyard or key fob. Wednesday is Purple Day. Friday we deliberate.

I have no idea what we'll decide. I'm confident justice will be served. This is one sharp jury. Which is why I'm looking forward to Thursday. That's Skit Day.

58 comments:

  1. If everyone had this much fun on a jury I think justice would be served with a ham on rye.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The lawyers bought us that for lunch. The judge bought pizza for dinner.

      Delete
  2. If one could count on serving in a jury with a bunch of people like this, I'm sure most people wouldn't try to finagle out of jury duty. Just because something is serious doesn't mean it can't also be fun.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were a little worried the first time that dressing alike would make us look less than serious, but when the bailiff insisted on joining in and the judge changed his tie color, we felt better.

      Delete
  3. If I'm ever on trial, I will fly the 13 of you out here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not entirely sure it works that way, but give it a shot.

      Delete
  4. Hearing that the jury was happy to play together was wonderful. Learning in the comments that the judge and bailiff joined in took it to a whole new level.
    Perhaps there is still some hope after all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want this judge to be President.

      Delete
    2. Add his name to your next voting card, with a gold star.

      Delete
    3. I still remember the names of the judges who particularly impressed me during a jury trial, including the one who was dead-out asleep.

      Delete
  5. I have to admit we did make the best out of an otherwise trying experience! It was a pleasure serving with you Murr

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You too, Emily. Although--I would say that not one of us was really happy with the verdict. Which is weird.

      Delete
    2. While I did not go through the torturous process of deliberations, I have to say I’m disappointed Clarence Thomas got any money at all

      Delete
    3. thanks to all my fellow jurors for making the time spent outside of my usually routine not only bearable but enjoyable! I may even miss it a little bit:)

      Delete
    4. I walked downtown the other day and shot a glance toward the courthouse and had this odd little notion I was playing hooky from work.

      Delete
  6. Did you all wear tights and capes one of those days? Or at least SOME kind of spandex??

    I hope justice was served!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh, justice. Not sure. I will say not one of us was totally pleased with our own verdict. There was a lot of compromise. We knew if we had a hung jury (which would've been very likely, inasmuch as four people refused to consider changing their minds), the entire trial would have been held all over again. It seemed important to come to some kind of agreement.

      Delete
    2. That seems to track with society in general--about 32% of which remains stubbornly obstinate in the face of facts. Sounds as though you got a realistic cross-section.

      Delete
    3. We were able to come to a verdict because a plausible case could be made for the four holdouts' point of view, so it's not like they were nuts or anything, though.

      Delete
  7. Eat your heart out, El Chapo jurors. No group photo for you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I like the colour themed days a lot, if the trial goes long enough you could potentially cycle through a paint colour chart of shades. Then there's checks, spots, stripes, patchwork; you all could find yourselves in demand all over the country for cheering up trials.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet we were a color-coordinated model of sobriety in the box.

      Delete
  9. I strongly suspect that the party walked in when you did, Murrbaby. Buncha lemons, lemonade. xoxo jz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! I feel a shout-out from my very longitude! Welcome to Oregon, Jules!

      Delete
  10. They say a deal is not a good deal unless both sides are somewhat unhappy.
    Not sure the same goes for justice, but wherever compromise is possible, perhaps it is necessary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honestly, I think the best thing we could've done was find for the plaintiff, and award him a dollar.

      Delete
  11. Just catching up on your adventures in jury duty. I literally was laughing out loud in recognition of your dscription of falling asleep in the jury box. At my last stint in the fall of 2018 we were ALL nodding off. It was excruciating! SO hard to stay awake.

    ReplyDelete
  12. And the days where you all wore the same color! Seems you had a great jury, that's a riot.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Are you looking for Jalandhar Escorts? Jalandhar Independent Escorts, find the best companion on the Yuvleen Kaur official hooker’s website who gives you girlfriend experience. You can hire our 100% genuine Escort service in Jalandhar. We have VIP Escorts, College girls and Jalandhar Escorts Agency ready to entertain you at a budget price. Other Links Like Jalandhar Escort, Jalandhar Call Girls, Escorts In Jalandher etc etc.

    JalandharEscorts,
    CallGirlsInJalandhar,
    IndependentEscortService,
    BestEscortsJalandhar
    IndependentJalandharCallGirls

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Is it true that you are secondhand to the most amazing stuff in female Independent Delhi Escorts photo and look for a high profile Delhi escorts paybacks to be of comparable safety happen your needs and content your needs in a restrictive see? We are all humble to finishing a purpose of the outright most prominent and discerning friends in the Delhi for your contentment. These beautiful models and girls are importance class Escorts in Delhi or showed by apex high class Delhi Escort Agency in Delhi City. Delhi Escorts proposals you to the high profile female escorts in Delhi.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You probably portrayed every one of the dreams as a main priority while booking an Delhi Escorts. Anticipating that her should resemble the photograph you saw while booking, you need her wearing the high heels and the hottest dress. Aside from furnishing you with the most extreme sensual delight, you need the lovely woman to peruse your psyche and act in like manner. Be that as it may, have you ever wonder what these women need from you?

    ReplyDelete
  17. There are many call girls service provider in Chennai, but they don’t provide such kid of booking facilities as we provide to our customer with full security for their privacy. As many people come here for their mental and physical pleasure but due to lack of information and security they can’t full fill their needs and demands, so what we do for them we have this booking facilities available for theme where they can book best related call girls by just a simple call button without sharing their personal information with hotel facilities in best price.

    Chennai Escorts

    Independent Escorts in Chennai

    Chennai Escort Agency

    Chennai Escort

    Escorts Service in Chennai

    Call Girls in Chennai

    Chennai Escort Service

    Independent Chennai Escorts

    Russian Escorts in Chennai


    ReplyDelete
  18. I Am Thankful To You For Create Such Kind Of Informative Website. Really It Is Useful According Your Current Topic. I Suggest To Keep This Continue For Those People, Who Are Looking For Such Kind Of Niche. After See Your Niche I Have Recommended Your Website With My Friends Also.
    I am Arpita Jain. I run my own Mumbai Hotel Sex . We provide escort services in low cost according the current market price. Our service is super, because we know very well the personal requirement of our each customer. We are comfortable to provide our Andheri Escorts Service at your home or in Hotel. Visit- http://www.arpitajain.org/mumbai-hotel-sex/
    Call- +91 9OO4458359
    Mumbai Hotel Sex
    Mumbai Escorts
    Bandra Escorts
    Juhu Escorts
    Mumbai Call Girls
    Escort Service In Mumbai
    Andheri Escorts


    ReplyDelete
  19. I Saw Your Website Carefully. Thanks For Create Such Kind Of Informative Website. Your All Content Is Relevant To Your Subject. I Say Keep It Continue, Because Your Website And Subject Is Meaningful For The Users. I Have Recommended Your Website With My Friends Also. I Am Ritu Sharma. I Am An Independent Mumbai Escort Girl. I Deal In Mumbai Escorts service. I Am Very Hot And Sexy. Being A Mumbai Escort Girl I Have Five Years’ Experience. That’s Why I Understand The Each Personal Needs Of My Every Client. My Service Charge Is Low And Service Is Super. You Can Avail My VIP Mumbai Escorts Service At Your Home Or In Hotel. I Am Comfortable To Provide Mumbai Escorts Service In Local And Outside Also. Visit www.escortservicemumbai.net Call +91- 9OO4OO9481
    Visit The Links Below And Have A Look At My Various Mumbai Escort Services-
    Mumbai Escorts
    Mumbai Call Girls
    Mumbai Escorts In Vile Parle
    Bandra Escorts
    Juhu Escorts
    Andheri Escorts
    Mumbai Escorts In Colaba

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks For Create Such Kind Of Informative Website. All Content Is Relevant To Your Subject. Keep It Continue, Because Your Website And Subject Is Meaningful For The Users. After See Your Niche I Have Recommended Your Website With My Friends Also.
    My Name Is Priya Singh. I Run My Own Mumbai Escorts In Juhu. I Am An Independent Mumbai Escort Girl. I Am Beautiful And Hot. My Service Charge Is Low And Service Is Super. Being Professional I Have Seven Years’ Experience As An Escort Girl. So I Understand And Feel The Real Needs And Requirement Of My Each Client. According The Convenience You Can Avail My VIP Escort Service At Your Home Or In Hotel Also.
    To Book My VIP Mumbai Escort Service Call +91 9987215552. Visit http://www.escortagencyinmumbai.com/mumbai-escorts-in-juhu/
    Visit The Links Below And Have A Look At My Various Mumbai Escort Services-
    Mumbai Escorts
    Mumbai Escorts in Andheri
    Escort Service in Gore Goan
    Mumbai Escorts in Juhu
    Bandra Escorts

    ReplyDelete
  21. Independent Escorts in Delhi think my program is old or not bolstered for the post, I can't seen any picture, yet I can scrutinize the substance and I esteemed the post you shared

    ReplyDelete
  22. HI Guys, This is Rishab. I'm one of the best escort service provider in Bangalore, If you are looking for some exotic service in Bangalore then you have landed in correct place. If you have cheated with other Escort agency then all you need to do one thing, Just have service with us once and trust me you will get some amazing service with real Girls. NO CHEAT NO FRAUDS. You are just 1 call away from some amazing life time experience.

    call girls in bangalore
    escort service in banlaore
    High profile models in bangalore
    vip service in bangalore
    hifi escort in bangalore
    best escort in bangalore
    escort service in bangalore
    model escort in bangalore
    bangalore escort

    ReplyDelete
  23. HI Guys, This is Rishab. I'm one of the best escort service provider in Bangalore, If you are looking for some exotic service in Bangalore then you have landed in correct place. If you have cheated with other Escort agency then all you need to do one thing, Just have service with us once and trust me you will get some amazing service with real Girls. NO CHEAT NO FRAUDS. You are just 1 call away from some amazing life time experience.
    call girls in bangalore
    escort service in bangalore
    High profile models in bangalore
    vip service in bangalore
    hifi escort in bangalore
    best escort in bangalore
    escort service in bangalore
    model escort in bangalore
    bangalore escort

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hyderabad Call Girls Providers offered on this web content offer real private company or other legal companion behavior alone. Book High Profile Escorts in Hyderabad for your hotel Beds Gentlemen who is willing to boost cluster demand in near marvelous Hyderabad College calling girls and wise Air Hostess calling girls in Hyderabad. You want to recognize that College Girls escort can request information from the highest period of your decades ever for your services. Would you like a group in Hyderabad? If yes, you would like to finish your search by using Russian escorts in Hyderabad,

    ReplyDelete
  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I Saw Your Website Carefully. Thanks For Create Such Kind of Informative Website. Your All Content Is Relevant To Your Subject. I Say Keep It Continue, Because Your Website And Subject Is Meaningful For The Users. I Have Recommended Your Website With My Friends Also.
    Escort Girls Service
    Escort Service In Delhi
    Mumbai Escorts Service
    Call Girl In Chennai
    Call Girl In Hyderabad
    Call Girl In Bangalore
    Our Service Partner : Refrigerator Repair Service

    ReplyDelete
  27. Gurgaon is a famous place for receiving gurgaon call girls. Here call girls are categorized as many categories, you can contact us on our website to get them.Cheap Call Girls In Gurgaon

    ReplyDelete
  28. We have calls available in the best of categories, according to our need, we are waiting for you, erotic and beautiful call girls in Gurgaon escort service, you can come on our website and contact us 24x7 hours anytime in Gurgaon. I look forward.
    Escort In Gurgaon
    Gurgaon Escort Service
    Escort Service In Gurgaon
    Female Escort In Gurgaon
    Independent Escort In Gurgaon
    Gurgaon Escort With Whatsapp Number
    Gurgaon Call Girls
    Girls In Gurgaon
    Escort in Gurgaon

    ReplyDelete
  29. Escort girls in Delhi make independent Brahma; Delhi call girls are always ready to serve you for interested people. Call girls in Delhi have been placed in many categories. Surely we are available according to you, you can come on our website and contact us. Female Escort In Delhi

    ReplyDelete
  30. I have been exploring for a little for any high quality articles or blog posts in this kind of area . Exploring in Yahoo I ultimately stumbled upon this web site. Reading this information So i am glad to show that I have an incredibly good uncanny feeling I came upon exactly what I needed. I such a lot indubitably will make certain to don't forget this web site and give it a look a relentless basis.
    If Want Play online SattaKing Game Click Satta King :-

    ReplyDelete
  31. Do you want to play Satta King Lottery, found this term on the internet or heard about this unique lottery from your friends.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Thank you for sharing this blog. This will help of me to increase my knowledge & more.
    Aerospace Engineering
    aerospace engg colleges in india

    ReplyDelete