Wednesday, January 9, 2019

When Death Approached: The Floofy Swan

I might have been a little hard on ol' Orlando Gibbons, there, the madrigal composer, who, after all, did write some mighty melodic songs. Sure, he whacked the bejesus out of that silver swan, but he also got in some pointed commentary. "Farewell, all joys! Oh Death, come close my eyes" is followed by "More geese than swans now live, more fools than wise."

The bit about the geese and the fools is timeless. It's every bit as appropriate now as it was in the seventeenth century. Doesn't matter when you live, you can count on being surrounded by idiots. But I'm not sure it's all that fair to the geese.

Ducks and geese and swans all roll off the same general template, the Anseriformes, with a lot of the same attributes, only in different sizes. I suspect the geese are assumed to be fools because they go off honking all the time, like a clarinet recital by first-graders. Gibbons's silver swan, on the other hand, says nothing at all, a tactic that makes one seem wise, except in the case of Clarence Thomas. The silver swan sings a swan song upon her death and that's the whole repertoire. At least, that's what a lot of people believed.
Beware.

But even Mute Swans make a racket. So it isn't true. Not only that, but the song the swan supposedly sings upon death probably is no such thing, but the sound of its lungs collapsing and forcing air through its massive tracheal loop, with a coda later when the dead swan bloats up and the gas farts out. Much the same effect could be achieved with a bagpipe or accordion dropped from a high place, as has been demonstrated many, many, many times.

The actual moment, featuring my entire sister.
The other thing that's not really fair is this idea that swans are all that wonderful just because they're fancy. People think poorly of the goose but revere the big, white, graceful, fluffy swan. I know my sister and I admired one when we happened upon it in a lake near her house. "Look how beautiiful," she said, as it floofed up and advanced smoothly toward us at the shoreline. "Get my camera," she said, and crouched down and prepared to snap a tremendous close-up of the floofiness and regal neck.

And then the swan hove up and grobbed my entire sister and flang her in the lake.


Evidently, I commemorated the event in silk.
To be fair, my sister was not at all a large person, but she wasn't threatening anyone, and that swan was an asshole. We read up later and discovered that your fluffy swan is a homicidal swan, and you'd best keep your distance until it sleeks back down. Basically, it's no improvement on an irascible goose, except it's bigger.

I will admit it didn't sing a note. But that's just because it's sneaky.

Historical note: I didn't write much of anything for about thirty years, but interesting turns of phrase appeared in my head often enough that I thought of myself as a writer. I never wrote any of them down, but I did remember the one about the swan and my sister, and I thought: some day I'm going to put that in something. So I just did.

27 comments:

  1. Interesting point about the swan fluffing up its feathers. I'll be sure to keep a careful eye on the ones in the river here next time I'm out with the youngest family member.

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  2. I grew up in Bend, and every summer there were several swans in residence, raising their young. I had a large German Shepard who thought he was king of the block.....one day he decided to chase one of the swans. First time I've seen him running with his tail between his legs and yelping. After that he gave them a wide berth.

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    1. They're nothing but big fluffy geese, and geese can take you by the seat of the pants and flip you over.

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  3. I didn't know they were sneaky, but I DID know they were nasty. I STILL think they're beautiful!!

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    1. Beauty and nastiness can definitely be compatible.

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  4. But did your sister sing when the swan (and yes they are arsewipes) flung her in the river.

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    1. As I recall, she was hollering about me getting a picture.

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  5. "And then the swan hove up and grobbed my entire sister and flang her in the lake." Puts Shakespeare to shame.

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    1. Laughed right out loud, I did!

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    2. I snorted and I have a bad cold. It wasn’t pretty.

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    3. That can be fatal! You could have a fatal phlegmbolism!

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  6. "So I just did" and I, for one, am glad you did :)

    Is the picture just before or just after the terrorist swan attack?

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    1. Just after, I think. She really only got her feet wet. I don't think she outweighed the sucker, either.

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  7. The old syllogism about all swans being white is untrue. However, what is true is that all swans are assholes. I, too, was attacked and ferociously bitten by a fluffy swan in my youth. I prefer ducks and, of course, coots.

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  8. I remember hearing the story of that very one-sided battle from the loser. If not anywhere else, the experience definitely left a mark on Maggie's psyche.

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    1. Her psyche AND her fanny. Fanne? Hi Jon! Great to hear from you.

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  9. Very glad your early thoughts finally came out in your writing.

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    1. Maybe I should've pinned more of 'em down, but now there's no shortage so I guess there's nothing to worry about.

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  10. Fluffiness may seem adorable to us humans, but when a bird fluffs itself up, it is trying to make itself look larger and more threatening. If a human then proceeds to say "Oh, how cute!" and come nearer, the bird will then bite. I've lived with parrots for many years, and they rely heavily on body language to get their point across.

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    1. "Getting their point across" is a very vivid way of saying it, isn't it?

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  11. As a volunteer at The Wildlife Center of Virginia, I can tell you that grobbing, and then holding onto, a swan - which mercifully we don't see many of - is no mean feat. Even when it is a sad sick swan. A goose isn't all that easy, but a swan? Yikes.

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    1. I've got it. Let's line swans up at the Mexican border.

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  12. I have met some nasty geese, but I can't say that I know that many swans, personally. They don't seem to come this far north very often. Maybe they blend in with the snow and aren't noticed. They like to be noticed.

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    1. Exactly where are you? Minnesota, probably, but somehow I always visualize you someplace like Iceland with thatched huts and shaggy ponies.

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  13. I wonder if you saw the story about the Australian farmer last fall who desperately needed to re-home her flock of 5 geese, and so she placed a Facebook ad warning "they are arseholes!" The post went viral. The geese had terrorized every other animal and human on the place. "We are not strong enough for this," she wrote. "So if you think a couple of cute fluffy geese would suit your needs please PLEASE PLEEEEEEEASE come get them. Bring help and a large box. Don't be fooled by their cute little beady eyes. They stare deep into your soul and know all your fears."

    She was shocked when she actually sold them for $50 and a bottle of scotch. It was a happy day.

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