Wednesday, September 5, 2018

The Liberals Are Coming! The Liberals Are Coming!

In a meeting with evangelical leaders, Mr. Trump said that if the GOP loses, "they will overturn everything that we've done and they'll do it quickly and violently, and violently. There's violence." He liberally means us liberals. And that scares me a lot. I don't even like to skoosh a bug. But I guess I'm going to have to get up to speed in a hurry.

It's weird, because it's exactly what we thought would happen if Trump didn't win his election: his followers would shoot us all in our beds, and we wouldn't be able to do anything about it except come up with universal health care.

We do have a few antifa folks with rocks in their pockets but they scare us too, because every time they show up, there's a bunch of Nazis around. Sending them up against the pistol-packin' patriot boys with their flag suits and Kevlar is like making a little barefoot Palestinian kid square off against the Israeli Army.

We got nothing. We could throw tomatoes and eggplants, but that would be wasteful. And we're not going to scare anybody with a well-arugulated militia.

Besides, if we have to get violent to run these assholes out of town, then we're going to have to get organized, and that's not our best thing. First we're going to have to find our old plowshares and beat them into swords. And that's not easy. Maybe it would have been at one time, but we aren't plowing anymore, because what with the destruction of the soil structure and the scarcity of water it's more sustainable to plant cover crops and layer compost. Almost all the remaining plowshares have been welded into garden art.

And then if we did round up those plowshares, we'd have to find someone to beat them into swords, and other than a few random hippie blacksmiths in period costume and a drum circle, we're short on talent.

We can't even manage a fertilizer bomb. Not with the run-off and the toxic algae blooms.

Sure, we get upset, but the basic problem is we're peacemakers at heart, and it's an uphill battle. I mean, we're dealing with the kind of people who did all they could to keep the black man from rising, but then when he takes a knee, that wasn't right either, so it's not like we're going to make them happy. They'll get pissed off over anything. The prospect of having to share a country with colored people gets them going in a way that the mere destruction of the planet or billionaires stealing them blind simply doesn't. Massive flooding, hurricanes, drought, extinction? Kid stuff compared with being forced to bake a cake for queers.

There we'll be, chanting at the standoff, facing assault rifles, and until they start making bullet-proof poster board we won't even be able to protect ourselves.

Liberals violent? We can get snarky, but now that there's a marijuana glut you can get three-dollar bud at the dispensary. Our biggest gripe is finding snack food that isn't made by Nestle.

But don't be fooled. You don't want to get us really angry. We won't hold back. We'll go after your grammar and spelling every time. We've been stockpiling your extraneous apostrophes and we're going to pack them all into one giant nail-bomb of a polemic and it's going to sting, babies, it's going to sting. You might have to look up some stuff, but it's going to sting.

31 comments:

  1. Yeah... my only weapon is sarcasm consisting mostly of Oscar Wilde quotes. It's lost on most people (except maybe other liberals.)

    But frankly, with the exception of those who use any excuse to get violent (I'm lookin' at you, Philadelphia sports fans. They riot when they lose... they riot when they win.) most people are zombies. They could not pry themselves off their smartphones long enough to riot. Plus, rioting sounds like a LOT of effort. It's so much more comfy on the couch, close to the snack food and beer. They just want to instill fear in everyone. Fear is their greatest weapon. But fear can be overcome, if people will only see their tactics for what they are.

    Unfortunately, everyone understands fear; few people seem to understand sarcasm. So, at least on my front, we're screwed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe you should take up wry humor and bons mots?

      Delete
  2. I'm going to follow Bette Midler's example and throw all my NPR tote bags during the violence. Well, except for my Nina Totin' Bag.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh shoot, I hadn't heard of the Nina Totin' Bag!

      Delete
    2. Yup, a Nina Totin' Bag would pacify me.

      Delete
  3. A FB friend reposted a tweet by Bette Middler: "Violence? What does he think we'll do, bash 'em with our PBS totebags?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that almost sank this post. I couldn't improve on it!

      Delete
    2. Oh, but you did. Her one line was worth a chuckle but I laughed out loud several times reading this because it's true. I have photos of some of the last plowshares welded into some really weird garden art.

      Delete
  4. I did have to look up “arugulated” before I got it. I wonder if the conservatives can laugh at themselves, too? Wait. Let’s try it. SHARE!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Should we worry? Nah, let's wait until they're beating down the door. Then we'll stuff them full of "tea?" scones?" until they're sleepy and we'll make our peaceful escape while they're snoozing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Why would the Dems use violence if they win? Violence in politics is generally something done by the losers - people who believe they have no way of accessing power in the existing system, through voting or other means.

    Seems like if the Dems win, it is going to way to defuse some of that built up anger from the past two years. It will be a glimmer of hope.

    I realize controlling all three branches of government hasn't made conservatives any less angry for the most part, but jeez.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everything you just said, there.

      Delete
    2. There is not a surfeit of logic in any right wing argument as far as I've seen.

      Delete
  7. " The prospect of having to share a country with colored people gets them going in a way that the mere destruction of the planet or billionaires stealing them blind simply doesn't. Massive flooding, hurricanes, drought, extinction? Kid stuff compared with being forced to bake a cake for queers."

    So many good lines in this post, but these three sentences sum up the horrible ironies so well.

    I do kind of get violent-feeling when I read certain tweets these days, though; gotta admit it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel violent, too, at those times. But you know what I do instead of beating up on right-wingers? I make myself another drink. The only violence I perpetrate is upon my own liver. As for shortening my life... well... that's starting to look more and more like a perk.

      Delete
    2. This comment thread is cheering me up a lot.

      Delete
  8. I officially love mimimanderly. I love your blog too. And Oscar Wilde. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's drink a toast to mimimanderly and her liver!

      Delete
  9. I've been saying for some time that the Cheeto-in-Chief is lucky that most liberals aren't gun-toting weirdos or he would've been knocked off this planet the day after the election. Instead, we correct their grammar. Take that!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You guys, stop making me laugh. I’m working up to be made sick by all this, and I can’t take the effort seriously if I’m giggling.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Making me laugh keeps me from crying, but taking control of just one part of the government in November would put me in a state of serious joyfulness.

    ReplyDelete
  12. We shall overcome. First, visualize the republicans as peas. Then visualize whirled peas.

    ReplyDelete