Saturday, May 13, 2017

Friends Tour 2: Toronto

Turns out that even though they talk funny in Pittsburgh, you don't strictly need a passport to travel there. But we were also going to Toronto, which is technically considered a different country, even though it's walking distance. And as a different country, they like to keep track of people like us, who might have recently found ourselves in an amnesty situation. Toronto was phase two of our Friends Tour, in which we examine the surroundings of our friends and try to determine if they're up to snuff.

We were visiting Sara and Kelly, whom we originally met through a reliable internet dating site called Murrmurrs ("World's Finest Commenters"). The air was breezy and cool when we arrived, and a fine mist of health care settled over the city. We immediately felt taken care of, respected, and ready to break a hip with impunity.

Miss Sara loves food. I mean--and I hope I'm not telling tales out of school about the salmon we had Saturday night--sometimes she even rubs it, and God only knows what else she is willing to do with it, but she can do it all day long. She will assemble a committee of tiny crumbled plants and fruit squeezings and speckled powders and whatnot and pack it all onto pork chops like little jackets, so they stay comfortable in the fridge all day. And after all that effort, she'll cook them up and let you eat them. She will.

Basically, I knew I was screwed.

Because I had already spent several days dining out in Pittsburgh, where the cuisine can be considered quite varied as long as that's understood to mean it's all tucked between slices of bread and propped up with a stack of pierogis. And now this. By Day Eight my belly was lying beside me in bed like a new roommate that you basically like, but need to have a little talk with.

Toronto is also a city of discrete neighborhoods of brick houses separated by as many as four inches in places, which makes it seem extra collegial. Many different kinds of people live side by side without the standard rancor we encourage here in the States; everyone has a nice medium-sized fluffy dog and access to a hospital, and that probably has a calming effect.

I was unable to arrange a meeting with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Sara and Kelly were unwilling to make that happen, even though I only wanted a chance to say Hi and shake his. Hand.

But they were willing to do anything else. They both conjured up fine birds seemingly at will, and not just your national geese, neither. Their own small back garden easily out-warblered all of Portland. And then one morning, like it was nothing, they popped us down the road a piece to Niagara Falls, because the Colossus at Rhodes was having its nails done. Niagara Falls! Damn! For a fair piece of money (Canadian, not real) you can purchase the Journey Behind The Falls, in which they stuff you in a garbage sack and send you down a shanghai tunnel, which is exciting.

The next day they promised us a blue whale. I hadn't even realized Niagara Falls was in their back pocket, so I was not about to scoff at a blue whale, even though they're only on a Great Lake. But this one was at the Royal Ontario Museum. Apparently you can't tell the male whales from the females except for the ten-foot penis and 100-pound balls, and this one was rumored to be mounted! Also they had a blue whale heart. That was a little disappointing because I had visualized it LUBB suspended in fluid in its entirety and possibly DUBB wired up, but it turned out to be a plastic model in steak form. The rest of the whale was something else. Even without any clothes on. Plus, there was a vial of whale poop. These people know how to put on an exhibition.

So does Kelly. How often do you get to follow up a nice dinner with a private, live performance of operatic quality from a small soprano in a spangly dress and Birkenstocks, accompanied by her cat Harry in a plaintive alto? I'll tell you. Not often enough. But we did. Get your own friends.

And I would love to share the video with you, but I promised I wouldn't, and I keep my promises mostly except when I don't. Also, I filmed it Portrait instead of Landscape because I keep forgetting you can't do that. But it was really swell. People who love you feed you and sometimes sing to you. Love them back.

39 comments:

  1. Toronto sounds like the perfect place. Except for the ice and snow of the 9 wintry months of the year. I couldn't take that part. Okay if I copy that line about the jackets on the pork chops and email it to my daughter? She'll get a laugh out of that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course. Everything in the fridge should have jackets.

      Delete
    2. my daughter's fridge frequently has many items dressed in fur coats (mould), she buys stuff and then forgets she has it.

      Delete
    3. There was a comedian one time who said (about fridge items) "if you can't tell if it's meat or cake, throw it out."

      Delete
  2. Don't feel too bad about not being able to meet PM Trudeau. He was likely either having his hair done or at the massage place getting some cupping done.

    I'm serious about that last one (and the first is probably true, too). Read about it here:
    http://www.macleans.ca/politics/ottawa/what-is-cupping-and-why-is-justin-trudeau-doing-it/

    He's supposed to be a science-oriented guy!! We are disappointed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be okay with cupping him, too.

      PS Dave's been cupped!

      Delete
    2. Et tu, Murr/Dave??

      And I'm not absolutely sure you weren't just using that in a euphemistic way

      Delete
    3. I'VE not been cupped. But cupping has occurred. Hey. Sara and Kelly are disappointed in Trudeau also, but I like the view from here.

      Delete
  3. You certainly know how to travel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well...huh. Maybe you should wait for me to put in the "air travel" piece!

      Delete
  4. Clearly I need to work on my comments. Did I mention we have red efts here in (cough) southern Vermont?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, but I intuited them for you. I expect nothing less.

      Delete
  5. Love the diva. Was this a cappella or does this magical household also boast a grand?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh God. I loved this SO much. Sara and Kelly have your number, oh do they ever. xoxoxox a million to all four of you and Harry and Flora too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I will add that I fell in love with Little Orange Guy on my own personal psychic dating service, Julie Zickefoose on Blogspot. Yup. Hadda meet him. Then found out he warn't a him, eggzackly. Didn't make no nevermind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute. He ain't? I thought he were. Well, let me tell you a bit about the Little Orange Guy. He mighta been more sociable at an earlier age, but right now he or she ain't about to let me check his netherparts. OH WAIT A MINUTE! You meant Sara!

      One more pint over here, beertender.

      Delete
    2. And to give credit where it is due: I got to meet Little Orange Guy and the Little Orange Librarian through the auspices of your own personal dating service. I got to meet lots o' fine folk that way. Hope I can send some in your direction sometimes.

      Delete
  8. Y'all know it's all down to the Bacon. Bacon is as Bacon does, and you are collateral acquisitions. Which is a grand thing, wrapped in herb jacket and lovingly stuffed in the fridge till next time.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Contrary to popular American belief, Toronto is not the capital of the country. You'd find our esteemed (and very handsome) prime minister in Ottawa, where I live. Not in the same house. And if you came here, I could serenade you on the ukulele. I don't own Birkenstocks, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Y'all have a capital? Like a real country?

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    2. Not really, we just draw the wagons together.

      Delete
  10. A grand tour! Been there done that. On the US side at the falls, you get to wear raincoats sized XXXL no matter how thin you are! There's a picture! Practice singing and keep trying for Justin in the right city!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh come on, he has to go to other cities sometimes, right? I can just stay put and he'll show up eventually, right?

      Delete
  11. Sounds like they are perfect for weird ol' Portland!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I loved meeting you in Portland, and while my little town isn't exactly, well, Portland, I hope someday you'll show up on my doorstep. You two are always welcome.

    ReplyDelete
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