You know those things in your sidebar that say stuff like "PLASTIC SURGEONS DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK FOR LOOKING TEN, TWENTY, EVEN EIGHTY YEARS YOUNGER"? I don't usually click on them. But this one drew me in. It said "Do you ever wonder if your time to shine could be behind you?"If anything behind me is shining, I want to know about it.
Turns out it was a message from an authentic, self-renowned plastic surgeon, and he had some amazing news. He said there are not one but two factors making people look older--and most people are unaware of the second one!
I'm even dumber. I got the first one wrong. (I was thinking "age.")
But no! The first one people think of is "wrinkles." And the second, and more mysterious and devastating one, is Gravity. And this here fellow says there's something you can do about it. NASA's going to shit their pants.
I actually was aware of the gravity thing, myself. Some of my body parts that used to be on a strict no-miscegenation policy are now intimately acquainted. If my breasts sag any more I'm going to be able to snap nylon stockings onto them. But what can be done about gravity? I read on eagerly, imagining myself bobbing attractively in the air like a Macy's balloon.
The good doctor went on to assert that most of us think people are looking at our faces, when in fact a full 57% of what they see is the neck. Well he lost me there. That's bullshit. If anyone is looking at me at all, they're getting at least 80% neck. I have a small head but a huge neck. It's like a big bag of pudding. My head and neck look like a Macadamia nut wearing a hoop skirt. Whenever the nut nods, the skirt sashays.
Even though my new plastic surgeon friend had lost credibility, I continued to read nearly all the way to the end. Turns out he's hawking some kind of anti-gravity cream. It's fancy. It's European. And it's less expensive than plastic surgery. Maybe not a lot less, but less.
In principle, I'm in. But I'm going on the cheap. I'm going to get a tub of Vaseline, and then I'm going to rub it on your eyeglasses.
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To be fair to NASA, if they purchase lots of the cream, they could probably save a fortune on rocket launches.
ReplyDeletePlus, how beautiful would those launches be? Oozing gently upward...
DeleteThree, Two, One: SQUIRT.
DeleteYEAH!
DeleteDirections: Stand on your head, apply anti-gravity cream to neck. Presto!
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I just had the most horrible vision of me standing on my head with my neck billowing around my face and shutting off my airways.
DeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
DeleteYou laugh, but I once did a headstand and was nearly suffocated by my own boobs. Now my neck is at least running interference.
DeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteShucks. That puts a little bounce in my step.
DeleteWell, my dear, if we were to meet, I believe I would be looking at the top of your head, just like your husband must do as well. You would have to be looking at my.....well, let's just say my face or neck would not likely be in your view. Perhaps that anti-gravity cream would allow that younger-looking you to look at me (or your husband for that matter) in the eye.
ReplyDeleteIt does occur to me from time to time that those of my neckular persuasion benefit from having to look up at people all the time.
DeleteI'm headed to my Fiftieth high school reunion next weekend. The very thought of it makes me look older. If I go with the Eighty Years Younger option, I'm pretty sure I can avoid the whole thing entirely.
ReplyDeleteYou know, your picture is right there. We can see how good you look. Your classmates do not look that good. I've met them.
Delete"self-renowned"
ReplyDeleteSays it all, really...
Yup.
DeleteAlso, he had a very shiny face.
DeleteShoot. Just do what we knitters do---knit lots of scarves, shawls, cowls, and wraps, and then drape them gracefully around your neck. Works wonders.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to wrap them around my face!!
DeleteMan, I'm doing some serious scarf collecting. I still don't have the knack of making them look right, but I can see the potential.
DeleteAnd least gravity is consistent. And predictable. Mostly.
ReplyDeleteAnd, sometimes, very fast.
DeleteLordy, I looked at myself in the full-length mirror by accident today when I was rinsing my sinuses (I bend over to do that, not the way the directions say to do it, but hey, whatever works, right?) and just about fainted. I didn't realize there was THAT much of my face that gravity could work on!
ReplyDeleteDo not, do not, do not bend over a mirror.
DeleteOh NOW you tell me, thanks a lot
DeleteFor what it's worth, there is this somewhat related observation from Mark Barton, a physicist who works on suspensions for gravity wave detectors at the National Astronomical Observatory of Japan:
ReplyDelete"If we prepare two identical earths but fiddle with the gravity and/or spin rate, then yes, the denizens of the high gravity version would age very very slightly slower, but no, the denizens of the fast spin version would age very very slightly slower."
For the record, I'm not exactly sure what he meant.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so relieved.
DeleteJust read this for the second time, and Cary whispered, "Honey, again, you have nothing to offer. Go email Kate and see if there are any recent pictures of Fiona"
ReplyDeleteSo, if gravity has anything to do with grunting when getting out of my recliner, I'm there, sister."
Listening to Smashing Pumpkins tonight, they're not half-bad.
Cheers,
Mike
Mike, you ain't altogether right, but I like that in a man.
DeleteI am convinced that gravity is getting stronger.
ReplyDeleteI can actually feel it pulling my lips over the pillow.
DeleteMy wife handles all the utility bills but i'll ask her if skipping payment will get gravity shut off everywhere or just at our house.
ReplyDeleteExcellent!! You can take one for the team.
DeleteThe Vaseline trick could actually work. By the time they get that gunk completely off their lenses, they'll be old enough to have their own pudding neck, so won't dare comment on anyone else's.
ReplyDeleteHey. Let the tight little bastards talk all they want. They'll be sorry some day.
DeleteIt's the loss of collagen.Even my forearms are getting crepy. I'm at the age when my skin would fit a bigger woman. Eventually, I'll look like a shar pei with rolls and flaps and enough spare suede on me to cover a couch.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that crepe thing is kind of horrifying the first time you see it (say, stretching first thing in the morning and suspending your crooked arm over your face), but then after a while you just go "huh" and "well" and move on.
DeleteWhen I noticed it for the first time, I said to myself, "hmmm, when did THAT happen?
ReplyDeleteYeah. It's like the new houses around here. You walk down the block and all of a sudden an entire house is there, and you can't even remember what was there before.
DeleteWell, you got me there...spit my coffee onto the keyboard. Must remember not to read you when I am drinking anything as you are just to funny. I try not to look too closely at anything in a mirror.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm super near-sighted. That helps with morale for sure.
DeleteOops. Forgot to add that a new study shows astronauts who spend to much time in gravity-less space have heart issues! It is always a tradeoff.
ReplyDeleteDang, and I was all ready to sign up.
DeleteNew to your blog, but anyone who uses 'shit in your pants' in their blog post I'm an insta-fan. :)
ReplyDeleteWelcome! That speaks very highly of you.
Delete