Saturday, September 26, 2015

Bringing In The Big Guns


The chairman of the search committee pulled on the intern's elbow. "Is that all you got for us?"

"Not at all, sir. But there's nobody tougher, or brighter," the intern whispered. "Frankly, we think he's the strongest candidate."

"I'm very comfortable with him, personally. He's got gravitas. He's our kind of guy," the chairman said. "I just don't know how he's going to play."

The committee in charge of coming up with viable alternatives to Donald Trump had been working hard to find candidates with similar qualities that resonated with the base, but who might be expected to better toe the party line. On paper, Foghorn Leghorn appeared to foot the bill.

"AH, BOY, AH SAY, BOY, FETCH ME SOME OF THET WATER, BOY!"

Mr. Leghorn was, to the chairman's horror, pointing at Ben Carson.

"No, it can work," the intern insisted. "This gives Mr. Carson someone to push against. He didn't do that well on the vaccine question; he came across sort of wobbly."

"THAT'S A JOKE, AH SAY, THAT'S A JOKE, SON," Mr. Leghorn continued.

Mr. Carson shrugged and looked off to the side. "I'm sure he meant it as a joke," he said, his voice trailing off.

"No wonder he doesn't believe in evolution," the intern said, under his breath.

The chairman frowned. Things had not been going well. In spite of the splendid work of the Fiction Faction, there had been one setback after another. They no sooner had painted a picture of Benghazi on a cliff than the Democrats charged right through it, and the Republicans pancaked themselves on it. What they needed to do now was concentrate on personality rather than issues. He studied the new prospect. "I don't know. I can see the attack ads now: Foghorn Leghorn is just a big chicken. Got anyone else? Someone a little tougher? And don't even think of bringing Scott Walker back. Even I don't think facing down the citizens of Wisconsin is like taking it to ISIS."

The next candidate strutted in carrying a shotgun.

"That's more like it," the chairman said. "Sir, what do you say: you ready to fight some Democrats?"

"That wascawwy Hiwwawy! I hate that tweachewous miscweant!"

The intern tore up an index card. "Next."

In came Yosemite Sam, pistols blazing.

"Now we're talking. Good sir, tell me. What is your plan to stop Obamacare?"

Mr. Sam whacked at the air. "When I say WHOA, I mean WHOA!"

"Right?" the intern whispered. "I mean, that is so totally our plan."

"I don't know. I'm not sure a cowboy is the way to go if we're going to woo back the Latino vote."

"Are we still trying to do that? Because..."

"I'm just saying. Where's Quick Draw McGraw? Doesn't he have a burro friend or something?"

"Baba Looey. But he has an accent. That's probably taking it too far. And besides, what I think we really need to do is appeal to more women. And with that in mind, sir, I'd like to present one more candidate. He's pro-gun, he's courteous, and he's devoted his life to saving women. Gentlemen of the committee, I give you..." The intern swept out his arm and a man in a snappy uniform came in on a horse. Backwards, but on a horse.

"I like it, I like it...I like what you're going for, here. But--Dudley Do-Right? Isn't he Canadian?"

"Pssh. He's whatever we need him to be. Delores, sweetheart? Bring in the Fiction Faction boys. We're going to need a new back-story."

23 comments:

  1. The burro friend is probably a deal-breaker, at least until the flurry of stories about Cameron and the pig dies down.

    Pinky and the Brain might work. The Brain's open ambition to take over the world one-ups Trump's plans to intimidate and threaten it into submission, and he's certainly willing to fight for what he wants, which seems to be the heart of Trump's appeal. He's never succeeded, but that hasn't stopped Fiorina from winning support. Pinky as a running mate would be no less credible than Palin was. They say elephants are afraid of mice, but all their candidates must be scaring the hell out of them if they're paying attention at all.

    Japanese animation offers endless possibilities, but the birthers would claim they're not natural-born citizens.

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    1. Well, to be fair, birthers can claim that about dang near anybody. And I wonder if the burro would also have a problem because he looks like a donkey. Not that they have any objection to asses in general.

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    2. Infidel -- I can think of several American characters in anime who could run for president. Guile's a military hero with better hair than Trump. Mickey Simon is a veteran too, but opponents might criticize his PTSD. Geronimo Jr. has the tact and gravitas to make a good candidate, and he'd get the cyborg vote too.

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  2. Or maybe Horse, Dudley's horse, could run :)

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    1. You get points. That was a standard stumper question: what is the name of Dudley Do-Right's horse? And, of course, you are right.

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  3. Sigh. Ain't it de truf.

    [Meanwhile - nitpicking here - I think you mean "fill the bill" rather than "foot the bill" vis-a-vis Mr. Leghorn]

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    1. Nitpick away! Well done! You're right, of course. I'm going to pretend it was a Republican who said it, but it wasn't.

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  4. Your (I mean American) brand of politickin' is a little over my head.And I'm not familiar with all of the cartoon characters. But I'm just wondering, in my foreign Westminsterish way, how will they fit a donkey into the clown car? Come to that, where the heck do they put the elephant!

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  5. where the heck do they put the elephant!

    Given some of the bizarre Republican sex scandals over the years, we may not really want to know the answer to that.

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    1. hahahahahahaha You have taken "elephant jokes" to a new level!

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  6. Maybe the RNC can give Dudley Do-Wrong a Cuban father and an American mother. That way, even though he was born in Canada, he could still be eligible to run for POTUS.

    What? It worked for Ted Cruz.

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  7. There has to be somebody who would appeal to everyone, surely? How about Santa? We all like Santa, don't we? He might be looking for a second job, now that all the toys are made in China.

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    1. Santa Claus is my very favorite Religious Figure, if anyone ever asks.

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  8. Suddenly I'm having nightmares about Wile E. Coyote being appointed Secretary of Defense, the Tasmanian Devil as Chief of Staff, Bluto as Secretary of Labor and Daffy Duck as the White House Chaplain! As for Trump--where is Speedy Gonzalez when we need him?!?

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    1. I keep getting him mixed up with that Alka-Seltzer dude. What was his name?

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  9. "Tweachewous miscweant" is my new favowite insult.

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    1. Elmer Fudd is particularly lovely because he couldn't pronounce his L's OR his R's.

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  10. Opus has already thrown his hat in the ring along with running mate Bill the Cat. But I think they must be on the Democratic ticket.

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