Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Pulling A Fast One


The Russians are up to no good again. Yes, I'm talking about that fuss over the U.S. Olympic speed skaters and their new special suits. An outfit called Under Armour developed them in order to give our skaters an edge and themselves a publicity boost, and it didn't work out. An American failed to capture any of the places reserved for them on the podium. It's marginally possible our athletes were outskated by athletes of an entirely different nationality, but what are the odds of that, really? The only logical possibilities are sabotage by the Russians, and faulty skating suits. The athletes themselves, mindful of being surrounded by Russians, blamed the suits.

It's all about aerodynamics. Under Armour developed the suit with Lockheed Martin. Perhaps they took a stealth-bomber approach so that the skater could get a head start without anyone noticing. The new suit also features strategic bumps that affect air flow in positive ways. It should have worked: we all know how speedy people are when they wear tweed and corduroy. I do know there are miracle fabrics being made all the time. There was a big to-do about the swimming competition in 2008 and Speedo was deemed to have given us an unfair advantage. It's hard to believe it was the fabric. There isn't that much to a Speedo. And if there is, that's a whole different aerodynamic problem.

Speedo had indeed done some slick engineering and they had counted on people's natural reluctance to look at the Speedoed portion of a man wearing a Speedo to get away with it. The suit was equipped with a tiny propeller in the rear which would have gone unnoticed had one of the judges not observed a disturbing turbulence in the swimmers' wakes.

I'm fascinated by the idea that one's outfit can make one faster. Because I could use some help. Our old softball games always got a little more exciting when I was in the lineup. I'd get on base all right, on a fielder's choice, meaning I was safe at first and all our other runners were neatly deleted from the base paths. And then someone else would get up and slam what should have been an in-the-park home run that would bring our fans to their feet in anticipation, straining to see if I could cross home plate before the batter, which is the order they insist on in that game. I'm not sure why it matters.

But what if I had an outfit? What if I was wearing a long onesie made of engineered dolphin skin?

I fear it would be to no avail. I'm always giving it everything I've got but the fact is I'm genetically designed to be tiger chow. If I got up to the plate wearing nothing at all, the aerodynamic problem would be very evident. There's a lot of stuff on me and I can't get all of it going in the same direction. There's no telling, sometimes. Tie some marmots together with rubber bands and give them a slap on the rear and you'll get the same effect.

But penguins look really clumsy on land. They waddle side to side or hop a bit but they look ridiculous, until they hit the water, and then they're revealed to be a regular ballet troupe, all grace and zippety-doo-dah. Perhaps my only problem is I just haven't found my element. In the right sport it's possible I could be plenty zippety.

I hope it's not sky-diving.

34 comments:

  1. I've worn my granddaughter's angel wings and they give me a little lift. When I add her mermaid bottom, however, I just swish around hopelessly in one place. Oh well...

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    1. Thanks for the vision! Man, what is it with princesses and angels and mermaids? I would never have worn that stuff as a little girl. Too girly.

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  2. "Genetically designed to be tiger chow" - bahahaha!!

    But I'm sure the dolphin-skin suit would help. After all, everybody needs a porpoise in life.

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  3. There is something called the "Slow Bicycle Race." You can find them on youtube, like everything else you ever wanted to know. In such races the last rider wins. I thought this sounded like something I could do but it turns out to be harder than I thought (like everything else).

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    1. Yeah. I once fell in a ditch on my head trying to ride as slowly as the guy in front of me. Some people aren't meant to win ANYTHING.

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  4. Well, your brain is plenty nimble, so you've got that going for you.

    And couldn't you blame it all on your short legs? That's what I've always done. Then again, there's Pootie, short legs and all, and he looks as graceful as all get out.

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    1. Pootie also has fearlessness going for him, as is appropriate for a guy who can drop three stories without damaging anything.

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  5. Penguins ARE incredible in the water. Beautiful, speedy, graceful - and they look like they are having fun too. Which is more than you can say for most athletes. And jenny_o is right about the speed and agility of your brain.

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    1. Sure. Just watch me in a conversation when I get halfway through a sentence and completely lose my point. There's a reason I do this writing thing behind closed doors!

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  6. I had always wondered about the turbulence behind the Speedo. I had previously attributed it to off-gassing.

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    1. That's what they want you to think.

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    2. Sadly, I can't wear a Speedo any more. The leg holes go up to the armpits, leaving alarming bits of senior citizen on display. A Spanx Compresso with modified shorts is more the modus operandi these days. Sad, innit.

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    3. Oh heck, go old school! Onesie with a skirt. And a rubber bathing cap with big petunias on it.

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  7. For years I have been saying that the Olympic Games should be run as were the original ones - naked. That'd put paid to aerodynamic advantage!

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    1. And would probably do wonders for the TV ratings, too.

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    2. And I'd finally find out where the nuts go on a bicycle.

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    3. That's what that little hole in the seat is for.

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    4. I just went somewhere absolutely wrong with that comment.

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    5. I wasn't kidding! With three male cyclists in the family, I have learned these things. Here you go, scientific evidence: http://www.livestrong.com/article/341040-the-best-bike-seat-for-males/

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    6. Yeah, I've seen those. I still stumble over the thought of "the nuts go in the hole in the seat." Although that would be aerodynamic.

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  8. The only possible answer to all this Olympic hoo-ha is to have all athletes perform naked. No clothing advantages at all. Just their initials and their country's flag tattooed on their backs so you know who is who and where they are from.

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    1. But tattoos are so permanent, and there are so many places to stick the flagpole.

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    2. Henna tattoos that wear off in a couple of weeks/months. No flagpoles.

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  9. I am sure it must have sum thing to due width cavitation in the new drive for sub marines. Per haps I am con fusing it with sub maquina gun, nyet? Lock und load, ba-by.

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    1. When I first glanced at your first picture my first thought was, "futuristicaLLy styled drafting compass? Does it come in other color schemes? Is it approved for personal carry by the ATF? Available at Office Depot or Gander Mountain?" Sadly, that was one thought.

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    2. Apparently you are too much of a gentleman to have spent much time looking at people's butts.

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  10. Instead of whining about their skating suits, they should have just taken steroids like everyone else. Oh, come on. Those female weight-lifters? Yeah, I think so.

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    1. If they ALL took steroids, what little pencil-neck from the Olympic Committee would have dared called them on it? Genius.

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  11. I have wondered if the bandage stuff called Liquid Skin might be used to cover an entire human body and be best for aerodynamics. Of course, they might have to add a dye so they would not look naked!

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    1. There are sections of the human body no one wants to seal up, though.

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