The Outbound Leg

My trip is almost over, and I'm on the outbound leg. I make my way to 37B, the last row in the airplane, hard up against the potties. This can be looked at as good news or bad news. Depends. I have just finished the Pre-Boarding Process. That is the segment when you sit in the terminal marveling at humanity, wondering whether the pepperoni stick was a good idea after all, and obsessively checking your boarding pass once a minute or so. I'm not sure what the gate agent means by "pre-boarding." The engine fires up and the tail end of the jet sways languorously from side to side. There is creaking. The back of the aircraft is either the safest or the least safe section to be seated in. The answer is somewhere inside my new tablet device, but it is on Airplane Mode, which is the mode in which questions about aircraft safety are not available.

Oh look! There is the SkyMall magazine. Lisa Rinna is on the cover. I don't know anything about Lisa Rinna except that she is famous for having voluntarily had her upper lip plumped to the size of a garden slug. Here, she is modeling the Flex Belt, "ab toning at its finest." It is wrapped around her waist and she is holding a control device attached by a cord to it. She looks like a possible suicide bomber. There are probably images of suicide belts inside my new tablet device, but it is on Airplane Mode.

A safety video is starting up. This airline is devoted to servicing the customer, although I would have thought that would cost $20 extra almost everywhere. In addition, they are willing to go the extra mile. That, actually, is not what I'm looking for in an airline.

Folks, we're all ready to go here up in the flight deck, and the weather looks good all the way to Portland. Unfortunately, everyone headed north, south, and east has been redirected to our petite runway here, and we're now sixteenth in line. We expect to be in the air in, oh, about twenty to ninety minutes. [garbled] The reason for the delay is, well, evidently, folks, a butterfly flapped its wings in Mumbai, and...

Lisa Rinna's personal story is on page 50, but there doesn't seem to be any point in zipping right to it. I thumb my way through. Oh look! Thundershirts, for dogs and cats. Gentle hugging pressure relieves anxiety during storms, fireworks, and vet visits, and replaces it with deep embarrassment. There are several pages of Life-Compatible Electronics including a DefenderPad to minimize the health risks of laptop radiation. I did not know about this health risk. I could look it up in my new tablet device, but it is on Airplane Mode.

There is a life vest located underneath my seat cushion. In the event of a water landing, I am to slip it over my head and inflate the left side by pulling down on the red tab. If needed, I can inflate the right side in the same manner.

Oh look! The Porch Potty! Finally, your dog has a yard of his own. Here is a box of fake grass, about

2x4 feet, with a toy fire hydrant right on it. No more late night walks down the stairs or elevator to relieve your dog! Perfect for condos. You can put The Porch Potty on your balcony and utilize the outdoor self-drainage hose. Odds are your downstairs neighbors aren't going to be using their balcony much anyway. Or you can use The Porch Potty right inside with the optional Catch Basin, which holds up to two gallons. The toy hydrant is scented to attract your dog. I ponder the variety of dog-attracting scents there are, and reject Pork Chop as being unlikely to induce urination. It sure sounds like a great idea for that apartment dweller on the go.

What do they mean by "if necessary, the right side can be inflated also?" Who is going to be watching the mighty ocean rear up toward the plane and think "shoot. I'll be fine with just the one side?"

I'm a little worried about the toy scented hydrant. My first dog was always a little confused by them. He would sniff the hydrant carefully, and then lift the outbound leg. He can't be the only one. Still, it's a bother to take your dog outside all the dang time. If you have a little enough one, you can take it out in your purse. It's cute. I've seen it. A lot of the time people extract their purse puppies and set them on the ground, where they tremble and vibrate in horror until they're put back again. That's where all the used Kleenex comes in handy.

If more inflation of the life vest is desired, you can also blow into the tube located just at your shoulder.

Oh look! There's an Elegant Piece of Furniture that looks just like an end table but conceals a cat litter box. The outer hole can be set up on the left or the right to keep it hidden from guests. Elegant Cat Box and Dog Porch Potty are available from the same company. Houseguest-B-Gone.

There's Lisa Rinna again. She says she is standing behind The Flex Belt, but she's still standing right in it, with her finger on the trigger.

Hell. I don't care. I'm pulling on the left tab AND the right tab, and I'm blowing in the tube, too. I've been practicing for the tube inflation all my adult life. I am ready.