Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Bound For Glory: Conclusion

Okay, I'm back from vacation, but I figured I'd be jet-lagged. Here is the final excerpt from my book Miss Delivery: A Postal-Mortem. 

Retired mailmen are thickly distributed all over the country, but they aren’t all that frightening if you know what they are. They aren’t decorative, but they aren’t dangerous, either, and they’d be much obliged if you bought them a beer. They’ll get the next round. Oh? You have to go so soon?

As a general rule they can be expected to take care of themselves. The pension is usually adequate for those who have never married, or never divorced, although that’s a thin cross-section. Low standards of self-maintenance serve the rest of them well, as long as they’re not inclined to invest in video poker. The National Association of Letter Carriers, the union that has always looked after our best interests, has even established a nice retirement community in Florida specifically for retired letter carriers. There are five hundred garden-style apartments available, for which there is quite the waiting list. This is where a lucky few of our finest faded blue are quarantined from society. Um, sheltered.

Recently, it was reported that a fire broke out in the development. Thankfully, no one was killed or injured, although a half-dozen or so retirees were displaced. Officials in the fire bureau, last I checked, have been unable to determine the origin of the fire. This is surprising to me. I can see it just as clearly as I have seen my own future.

“Hey Vern,” it starts.

“Hey Herbie. What’s new?”

Herbie and Vern collapse into helpless laughter. Vern is first to recover.

“So I think I got me a propane leak,” he says.

“Naah. You’d smell it,” Herbie reassures him. Kerm and LeRoy let themselves in, leaving the door ajar.

“Vern here thinks he’s got a propane leak,” Herbie says. “But I told him it’d smell.”

“Propane doesn’t smell,” LeRoy informs him. Kerm begs to differ.

“It does smell,” he insists. “It’s just that it sinks to the floor and you don’t notice it.” Randy Randy and Cliff filter in through the open door and are promptly filled in on the disagreement. It has been exactly the same temperature for ten weeks running, season’s closed at the dog track, and they’ve all gotten all the juice they could out of betting on the election. Everyone senses an opportunity to make a wager. Everyone’s perking up.

Randy Randy has a different theory. “Kerm’s almost right. Propane does smell, but it rises to the ceiling, not the floor, and that’s why you can’t tell.”

“Floor,” Kerm says.

“Ceiling,” rejoins Randy Randy.

“I got five bucks on Kerm,” Herbie says. Vern demurs. Frank and Stricky walk in, sniffing money.

“Besides, propane doesn’t even burn,” Herbie asserts.

“Propane burns!” Vern is exasperated. “Jeez! It’s what’s in my stove!”

Herbie stands pat. “Five bucks on Kerm,” he reiterates. Frank pipes up.

“I’ll take five of that,” he says, producing a crisp fin.

“You don’t even know what we’re talking about,” Vern points out. Frank explains, with exaggerated patience, that whatever Herbie is willing to bet in favor of, he’s willing to bet against. “Herbie has no brain,” Frank goes on, “and besides, it’s diesel he’s thinking of. Diesel doesn’t burn. You could drop a match right in a bucket of diesel and nothing would happen.”

“Bullshit,” Stricky says. “Prove it.” Frank goes out to Vern’s garage and pokes around the cans. Meanwhile, Kerm and Randy Randy have gone to fetch a ladder to investigate the ceiling-floor controversy. Cliff and LeRoy agree to volunteer neutral noses. Cliff lies down on the floor, and LeRoy, teetering on the ladder under the direction of Randy Randy, presses his face into the ceiling. Neither of them smells anything.

“That doesn’t prove it doesn’t smell,” Vern points out. “I was just saying I thought I had a leak, because the tank’s been running out so fast. Let me open up the valve for a minute.”

Everyone smells something now. “Oh, shit, that’s Kerm. Jesus Christ, Kermit, put a cork in it,” Vern says.

“Kerm’s a national treasure. Put a tap on Kerm, and we’d solve the whole energy crisis. I’ll bet you any amount of money Kermit here could let one rip for fifteen whole seconds, any time you wanted,” Randy Randy proposes. Wallets fly open. Kerm drops into a crouch and frowns in concentration while Randy Randy holds his finger up, looks at his watch, and waits for the second hand to hit straight-up. Frank comes back in with a gas can, wrinkling his nose. He has also located a nearly empty can of turpentine, which he empties into Vern’s sink, and begins to decant diesel into it. Vern is incensed.

“Crap, Frank, not on my good sofa! Take that to the dining room table. Jesus Christ.”

“Go!” Randy shouts, and Kerm bears down, pacing himself. No one is quite sure, under the circumstances, if the propane has an odor or not. Vern gives the valve another half-turn. Frank is ready with his can of diesel. “Are you sure that’s diesel?” Vern asks. Frank is sure. “But did you get that out of my garage? Because..”

Frank is holding a match against the matchbox. “Prepare to be amazed,” he exults.

Myself, I would have bet any amount of money retired mailmen would smolder a long time, but they don’t. They fizzle right out.


  1. Welcome back.
    I might come back with a better comment...right now, my sides hurt.
    (Also, it's raining no little and quite some. Should we thank you Oregonians or make you **&$!s build the damn' ark?)

    1. We accept your gratitude with grace. Remember, water is a principle ingredient of beer.

  2. I don't think that story is generally considered newsworthy in Florida. Happens all the time.

    1. If only the gambling energy of the retired postal carrier could be harnessed to eradicate the Burmese Python.

  3. Boys and their science projects :D

    I know a "good one" I heard 2nd-hand about some good old boys who were saving money for the family of a deceased friend on the ground-opening fee at the cemetery. This involved digging a grave for him themselves in the dead of winter in the cold, frozen ground. Add copious amounts of alcohol, bad judgment and spare dynamite from a construction project, and yes, it turned out as badly as you might imagine.

    Some final resting places turned out to be not so final after all. OK, maybe "good one" is pretty subjective depending on whether or not it was one of your loved ones' remains that were involuntarily relocated.

  4. Welcome back. I am sooooo looking forward to the tale of your travels.

  5. Damn Murr, that little verbal video just yanked me back 30 years, snort!! What a cast of interesting, enjoyable and fun engaged characters there were. Of course the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. Thanks for the grins.

    1. Yes. The names have been changed, if by that you mean the names have not been changed.

  6. The funniest thing I've read in a long time!! Thank you!

  7. Sounds like a TV series!Maybe you should pitch it.

    1. Oh right! Pitching things is what I'm really good at...

  8. That bunch sounds like the bikers I hang out with - except smarter.
    the Ol'Buzzard

  9. So Good to have you back with us. Hope you had a fabulous holiday and, no doubt, you collected good tales to tell.
    Loved this one.

  10. Famous last words, "Hey, Bubba, hold my beer and watch this!"

  11. Now I know why we call our rural postal carrier "Crazy Dave". He is much like the one in the movie Funny Farm. Why do we think our postal employees should be kind and caring social workers?

  12. Oddly enough, the retired postal carriers sound a lot like retired cowboys, only not as profane. Hmm, and they sound like retired commercial fishermen. And like - hey, they all sound like old farts! Sort of. As it were.

    1. It is true. Old farts everywhere have a lot in common.