Saturday, March 3, 2012

An Eight On The ICKter Scale

Unusually strong earth-shaking has recently been observed in all corners of Oregon, with reports of aftershocks still coming in. Officials have determined that the epicenter is to the north, in the state of Washington. Although experts say it was not an unprecedented event, nothing of this magnitude has occurred in the area in recent memory. The temblor has been traced to the passage of gay marriage legislation in February, resulting when a movement that had begun deep underground pushed closer to the surface. There is a consensus among frightened citizens that the fault began in California. Survivalist groups are forming to defend heterosexuality as citizens prepare themselves for the imminent collapse of their marriages. "You can't tell me this sort of thing won't endanger marriage," says concerned citizen Leviticus Primrod. "Just last week, my wife Lurleen says to me, she says, 'I'm moving in with Darla Sue if you don't quit picking up chippies at the Five Spot,' she says. And Darla Sue's hot."

In the forefront of the defenders is the Million Mom movement (motto: "because we said so"). The Moms, towing many of their estimated hundred thousand nervous gay children, will march on the state capitol as soon as they replenish stocks of sanctimony and juice boxes.

Elsewhere, predictions vary as to the effects of the event on marriages in general, with some claiming there is no imminent danger, and others warning of the possibility that innocent bystanders will be damaged by sightings of public displays of homosexual affection. Preparedness experts are recommending that people take precautions such as strapping their children to the closet and laying in a two-week supply of bile. In the case of another earth-shaking event, we are reminded to hunker down under a rigid belief system and keep our hands over our ears and eyes.

80 comments:

  1. If my relationship crumbles can I move in with you?

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  2. I wish the gays luck with their marriages....straight marriages have been in trouble for quite a while now with unprecedented divorce rates. Maybe they can show us what we're doing wrong. Oh wait...you don't suppose it all comes down to acceptance do you? Perish the thought.

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    1. You know, it used to be "acceptance of what cannot be changed," I think. Once divorce was destigmatized, turns out everyone wanted one.

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  3. This and female contraception are clearly the biggest issues facing America today.

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    1. Right. Environmental devastation is way the hell down the list.

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  4. That tremor was the thousands of folks all rushing into Oregon to get hitched. Next, they're heading to Virginia and then, believe it or not, Florida. Actually, it's all a huge weight loss scam. "They" figure by getting people to rush all over the country getting married that gays will not only lose weight, thus saving the health insurance industry millions of dollars, but that they will also be to exhausted to openly display affection in public. Proof, once again, that we gotta keep an eye on "they" cause "they" are always up to something.

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    1. As I recall, Virginia is for lovers. Or did they repeal that?

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    2. The "Virginia is for Lovers" motto is now being challenged in the state legislature as promoting wanton behavior. The proposal is to change it to "Virginia is for Married People, One Male and One Female." And, in a non-related development, Murr, you are my current Blogger of the Week.

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  5. Don't forget, we here in Oregon got there first. Multnomah county started doing gay marriages back in 2004. That counts as a pre-shock at least, even if the Godtards managed to rob us of our pioneering status in a referendum.

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    1. We were Number One, until it turned to Number Two.

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  6. But....but....but....if gay people get married they won't make any babies, and if women use contraception they won't make any babies and that could lead to less people on the planet and...and...and...less people on the planet could lead to a nicer planet...and... and...wait. Where was I going with this?

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    1. Down a very dangerous, slippery slope, Missy.

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  7. Most of my kin are such bedrock conservatives that they haven't admitted to feeling even a tremor. If you go east of the Cascades, you pass through a time warp and wind up in the 1950s. KKK is right, women's lib is wrong and the only way to deal with all those damn hippies in Portland is just pretend they don't exist.

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    1. I'm willing to hide from them, if that helps...

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  8. So good to hear from the Great state of Oregon. I lived Grants Pass for years before I moved to Alabama. Yes a big time warp..LOL I am trying to start a "live and Let live" movement here...

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  9. My husband and I are here to recruit your children into our devient lifestyle choice. Resistance is futile. We will assimilate you.

    And after that, we will pretty up your downtrodden, rat infest neighborhoods and make you listen to Lady Gaga. Just give us the wedding bands and no one gets hurt.

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  10. Hahaaa.... "This and female contraception are clearly the biggest issues facing America today" and Godtards...

    Not only is your blog a great fun read but your commenters ors? as well... Hahaaaa

    I'm going to use the Godtards, Infidel753...

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    1. Seriously, one of these lazy days I'm going to put in a half-sentence and let you all do the rest.

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    2. Murrmurrs MadLibs! I love it!

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  11. Don't the jacki realize that same-sex couples don't have to pay for birth control?

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    1. And birth control is the real evil here.

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    2. @empress: oh, yes, they do--and they should. they just call it something different: PROTECTION.

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  12. "Million Mom Movement (motto: because we said so)" Perfect! Did you know that the Million Mom Movement is short of a million moms by several hundred thousand moms or so?

    On a semi-unrelated topic, and this would work well in either eastern Oregon or eastern Washington: Fundamentalist Road Race. You start with a gay or lesbian couple in a pink Volvo, festooned with liberal bumper stickers ... Obama 2012, promoting marriage equality, etc. The challenges for the road racers would involve going into truck stops and talking with the locals about politics, engaging in public displays of affection, just generally being their outrageous selves. The race team to put the most mileage on their Volvo in the shortest time period and make it back to the starting point wins.

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    1. It's the "and make it back" part that worries me.

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  13. I can't worry about gays because I've got my own problems.

    To wit. I've learned just this week that I'm a slut and a prostitute because my insurance covers contraception so me and my hubby can, you know, without budgeting for formula and diapers, not to mention overpopulating the planet and throwing all those diapers in a landfill.

    So how can I find the time to concern myself with gay marriage? Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a sex video to create and post on YouTube. Here's a teaser: "Hey Baby ... Did you remember to turn off the oven?"

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  14. hhhmmmmm I want to marry my favorite beer mug. Or my favorite football team. maybe... but if it causes the GOP some distress....I could just marry a whole brewery. Say, is the Rogue Brewery dating anyone?

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    1. Oh yes. The Rogue Brewery is a total slut.

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  15. One good earthquake deserves another. Hoping for a big one when a nationwide boycott of advertisers forces Rush Limbaugh off the air.

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    1. There's a big one every time he walks across the room.

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  16. The tremors actually began years ago in Pennsylvania. The Santorisms got so bad we had to move out of the state.

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    1. Ah, the Tectonic Colonic. I hear you wiped him away.

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  17. Ah yes, One Million Moms, haters of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and Archie comics. I always insist that those ladies need hobbies, because if you're hurling vitriol at harmless LGBT people, you have far too much time on your hands.

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  18. Once we get who to love and how many children to have cleared up for us females I hope they'll let me know what they think about what I'm wearing...

    Pearl

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    1. So, Pearl, honey. What are you wearing?

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  19. Dammit, Murr....you gotta stop this....or maybe not.....Another blog that turns out to be the greatest blog ever written......or conceived (may I use that term?)

    Your commenters, too, are amazing and your replies......well, young lady....you have simply outdone yourself again. Shit, if I didn't love you so much I'd tell you to run for President.

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    1. God, I hope you love me more than that.

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  20. Yup, I think you've found the root causes of the tremors -- or so some would think.
    Another bit of brilliance from you.

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  21. "Because there are No Buns In There." Good one, Murr. I think Pootie has a larger wardrobe than I do, or maybe that bear is just better at accessorizing.

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    1. He's a dog. And all of his stuff is nicer than mine.

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  22. I think its terrible sad that it is easier for gays to adopt children than it is for them to formally commit to each other.

    And I also think its terrible that the government doesn't make insurance companies pay for contraception while the insurance companies DO pay for men to get Viagra.

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    1. Their moral code can't be the only thing that's rigid.

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  23. I still say, "No Slavery For Women" -- and here in West Virginia the state motto is "Montani Semper Libri," which either means Mountaineers are always free, or Montanans are always simpering. Brokeback Mountain and all that. Can't keep track; can't keep up.

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    1. In my native Virginia, as I recall, it was "Sic Semper Tyrannus." Something about what did in the dinosaurs.

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  24. I now have decided that Murr definitely is political! LOL
    I live and let live. Love and let love.
    And wish we could all just get along (do I sound like a hippie from the 60's?).
    Peace ya'll.

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  25. I would say that Rush Limbaugh is as good an argument for birth control as any other you could up with. Oh, and throw in the whole Republican slate for a clincher.

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  26. Its all a bit sad. And here too there seems to be a concensus that allowing gay marriage is the thin end of the wedge. Next step compulsory gaydom and mayhem. Or something like that.

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  27. This is completely wrong. We legalized marriages of same-gendered people here in Canada back in 2005. No earthquakes up here.

    I figure this story of yours comes from another Republican hoax being forced down the throats of good American people.

    Maybe the earthquake was the earth's response to the GOP Presidential candidates. That I can believe.

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    1. You're getting into a whole other territory with that "forced down the throats" business.

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  28. What Republicans don't realize is the net positive effect on the Economy by Gay Marriages. Think of the increase in store gift registries alone!!

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    1. That would certainly turn it around for the Rs, if it turns out there's a big profit to be made.

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  29. They still beat them to death on the streets here in the FSU, with the cops looking on. Sometimes I think the whole world is crazy. Except you. Why can't you get syndicated and have people pay you?

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    1. Apparently, I'm no good at all about having people pay me. I'm open to suggestion.

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  30. Gaiety is a virus and will infect everyone! Don't believe me? Just smile and watch people smile back.

    Oh -- I missed the point.

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  31. Hey Murr! Thanks for this! I am in a constant state of bewilderment about the public and closet (heh) behaviour of the USA. As a politically-indifferent, straight Brit, heralding from a country with same-sex civil ceremonies, abortion and very little God, I may burn in hell for saying I'm in favour of all of it. But take care in those quakes x Indigo

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    1. I've been looking forward to the big one for a while now.

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  32. one global quake, planet hit by a comet or asteroid, global viral devastation - 'they' will take all our rights away and my daughter will be living 'the handmaiden's tale' lifestyle.

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  33. I know she's supposed to be this great author and all, but that book creeped me out big time.

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    1. I think it was supposed to....

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    2. I was definitely creeped out, because the more I look at the political seen, the more plausible "The Handmaid Tale" seems. Is it any wonder I named my blog Republic of Gilead?

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  34. Thanks for coming by for a visit! You're in my blogroll now. You've got a heavenly job, except in inclement weather. I bet you have a wonderful Christmas. :o)

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  35. I used to have a heavenly job, and now I'm in a heavenlier retirement. Thanks!

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  36. Okay now can you imagine the media rates falling if we all kept ears and eyes covered and hunkered down for two weeks? No media!! More loving?
    That could be the time best ever!!

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    1. You can't possibly mean...turning off the TV? That's not American. Of course, you're Canadian, so...

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  37. There are many weeks when I'd love to keep my ears and eyes covered. Then I come here and you slay those boogeymen brilliantly and slay me with laughter. Murr Brewster, you are a national treasure.

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    1. Thanks. Of course, most of the time I've got my ears covered too.

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  38. We, an old, long-married hetero couple, lived on the slap center of one of those CA fault lines, surrounded by demonstrably affectionate gay couples (sometimes legally married, sometimes legally sundered, but currently on again). We attended a UU church where same-sex marriages were celebrated. All that and we never suffered a single shock, fore or aft.

    In fact, we'd love to be living there again today.

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    1. I've been wondering what got you where you are.

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  39. "In the forefront of the defenders is the Million Mom movement (motto: "because we said so"). The Moms, towing many of their estimated hundred thousand nervous gay children, will march on the state capitol as soon as they replenish stocks of sanctimony and juice boxes."

    And if my was gay, I would definitely be one of those moms.

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    1. No! You're not one in a million, are you? (Look them up and get back to us.)

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