Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Bum Bum: An Improctical Solution

A woman in Florida nearly died after having her buttocks pumped full of cement by a transgender woman posing as a doctor, which is going to do nothing to advance the cause of trans acceptance, even though the vast majority of transgendered people I know would never think of doing such a thing.

I'm okay with my own heinie. It hasn't fallen yet, at least, which is something I'm told they can do. I don't know if it happens all at once. I don't know if you're just standing at the bus stop one day and all of a sudden there's a little sliding sssshlorp sound and whump your fanny is hanging off your hipbones like mud flaps. In my experience these things tend to creep up on you. And I don't look at my own butt all that often, so it could be I am mistaken in my rosy assessment. I remember looking at some woman with bingo wings once and telling Dave, "psst... let me know when my armpit skin starts to swing around like that," because, I don't know, maybe then I'd start lifting weights or something, and he said "okay...now." Well, shit.

Anyway, the woman in question was not trying to restore the popo of youth. She was still young. She was thirty years old, old enough to have learned some priorities in life, but way younger than the age most people start thinking they could use some concrete in the caboose. Maybe she was a little on the flat side, and thought with a little enhancement she could be just like J. Lo. After all, she already had the crappy marriage. And a friend of a friend's cousin said she knew this transgender almost-a-doctor who worked miracles with simple injections of cement, mineral oil and super glue, and what more do you need to know? There is evidently a whole underground industry devoted to this pursuit, featuring something called a "plumping party." Which sounds benign enough. We used to have plumping parties years ago, only we used beer and pizza, and didn't focus so exclusively on the patootie.

There's a reason they put them in the back. It's God's way of saving you a little grief, but some people are not meant to be saved. The plumping parties are outside of the medical realm and not regulated in any way, so you have to be careful. Caveat emptor, as they say, which is Latin for "don't turn your back on someone with a huge syringe and too much enthusiasm." Sure, going to a strange transgender woman's house to get cement plugged in your ass always sounds like a good idea, but there are things to consider. Do they offer anything in the way of follow-up care? Someone needs to watch where you sit while it's setting up. If you squeeze yourself into a box, not only will you be able to sit on your ass, but somebody else could, too. Spend too much time on a toilet right after plumping, and your heinie will indeed be the object of fascination, but not in a good way. Also, you're probably going to need someone to take you to the emergency room.

A nice firm set of buttocks is a good thing. I had one, once. Back in the day, we didn't have the benefit of modern cement injections, so I had to do it the old-fashioned way, by bicycling from New Jersey to San Francisco. By the time I hit the left coast, I could crack walnuts with my ass. I took that ass to Portland and introduced it and myself to Dave, in possibly the most egregious case of false advertising ever. Within a couple months my keister had reverted to its natural state of quivering tapioca, but Dave stuck around and even married me seven years later, in case it ever came back. He's still waiting.

The woman in Florida found the process of cement injection excruciating, and the attending plumpologist was persuaded to quit before she was quite done. She sealed up the injection site with super glue and sent the patient away to become violently ill somewhere else. Caveat emptor, people. If you've got the wrong person administering super glue to your ass, you could end up with a whole different sort of plumping, and you're not going to like it.

49 comments:

  1. At last, concrete evidence that your injection of sanity on these crazy news stories has firmed up our opinion that the future of the human race is between a rock and a hard place.

    ReplyDelete
  2. How'd you get that picture of my tuchas?

    ReplyDelete
  3. You made that up... didn't you? Tell me it's not something that really happened! Of course, this post is evidence that it might have been worth it, at least to the grin on my face. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Not that long ago, the ass to have was like two little duck eggs in a napkin - narrow, tiny, non-protuberant. A high, muscular set of buns was unattractive and masculine. Imagine getting the alterations, and then styles change on you, and there you are with the cheeks of concrete that are SO last year. I mean, remember when every actress was getting her lips plumped to a fare-thee-well? I'll stick with what God gave me, thanks. Eventually the sagging sofa cushion look will be in, and I'll be ahead of the game!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cement???? Ouch!!! Doesn't cement become hard at some point? The picture in my brain is not a pretty one - full of lumps and rocks underneath skin. This almost makes me angry. >:|

    ReplyDelete
  6. Fashions change, I guess. I've had a big behind for as long as I can remember, even when I was very thin. My mother and her sisters laughed at me; so unfashionable.

    It's one of those things that I call an inconvenience, not really a problem. Lo and behold, I married a man who liked big bottoms. It's still an inconvenience, just finding wide slacks for short women.

    Unless there's a news item that reminds me, I usually ignore it. I can't see it from here. 8)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Okay... I'm reminded of the scene in Moonstruck where Loretta is in the confessional and flits past her adulterous affair with Ronnie and the priest stops her mid-sentence and asks, "What was that last part?"

    "...even though the vast majority of transgendered people I know..." Let's see, there's something about a postal route that brings you in contact with... or, you were abducted by aliens (transgendered Mexicans) and forced to live in a cave... or, how exactly does one get to know a "vast majority" of Platipi anyway?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hmm. I know three transgendered people, and two of them are quite wonderful, and even the one who's less than wonderful is not given to injecting cement into people's behinds.

    But I suppose that finding yourself in a world that confidently assigns you a gender you can't identify with would predispose you to, as you might say, think outside the box.

    Do y'all really know no transgendered people? They're not *that* rare! Even leaving biologically intersex people out of the discussion (at a conservative estimate, one per thousand.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. There are too many people in this world with concrete in their asses and several with pianos chained to them too, judging from the speed at which they work.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yes, DJan and Samantha, it's true. It's a "thing." And you're right--it's not very good for you. It gives you an ass to die for.
    Mr. Charleston, see Dale's comment. Not so rare. The number also includes my uncle, and also? I live in Portland.
    Roxie and Harriet (hey! That sounds like it could be a new sitcom), yes! Live long enough and everything on you should be in fashion at some point.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have no ass at all, so I have to confess a certain sympathy for the woman in question. It's no picnic when your bum-bones grind into wooden chairs. But I don't really think concrete injections would help...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dave is just like me waiting for things to come back someday. Probably an early sign of dementia. Love the sound effects, btw.

    ReplyDelete
  13. When I'm God J-Lo and her ilk will be considered freaks and ostracized from society. Although, I supposed I'll leave a few around just so you can write about them. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. You've got me channeling Sir Mix-a-Lot. I like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny....Sing along everyone, you know the words!

    Baby got back
    LA face with an Oakland booty
    Baby got back

    ReplyDelete
  15. I guess having a concrete ass would give a whole new meaning to the expression, “Let’s hit the road, honey!”

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm sitting on a patio on the Big Island, reading your post out loud to my husband as I usually do, and we're both laughing. Thanks for being here with us on our vacation from dark, foggy Seattle.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You made that up... didn't you? Tell me it's not something that really happened!

    Ass-tonishing butt true.....when a story like this rears its ugly head, we can only hope the law gets to the bottom of who's behind it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. "I don't know if you're just standing at the bus stop one day and all of a sudden there's a little sliding sssshlorp sound and whump your fanny is hanging off your hipbones like mud flaps."

    How do you do it? How do you come up with these hilarious, surreal images, time after time? I love your blog posts.

    I suspect this sort of heiny detachment occurs on hot days, when temperatures and high humidity cause butt fat to melt, and the whole structure to fall on the sidewalk with a gross yet satisfying splat.

    ReplyDelete
  19. No way, Ahab. Nothing causes butt fat to melt.
    Infidel! Ow ow ow ow!
    All right, I have no idea why the original news release even mentioned the non-germane detail that the plumpetrator was a transgender woman. It's not like it's a normal association, like Rumanian elder-care workers, or Russian taxicab drivers, or Dunderhead Republican candidates for President.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I read about that in the paper. Hideous and agonizing for the poor, crazy, stupid patient! Ugh! Can't believe her stupidity! Moral: Be grateful for what God gave ya.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I saw this story. And cringed. All I could think of was the SIZE of the syringe that would be needed to make an appreciable difference. Ack. And I suspect this woman already had cement between the ears and was aiming for symmetry.

    ReplyDelete
  22. My sister-in-law is always saying, "What's the big deal with asses, for heavensake? Everybody's got one!" Yes, I mutter, and everybody's got an opinion too.
    Now take J.Lo's...(hey, a guy can dream, right?)As the picture you kindly included clearly shows, it goes above and beyond the call of duty and should probably be listed as the eight wonder of the world. Anyway, as usual, Murr, you've given me a hilarious break from work. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hell, Dan. It nearly goes above and beyond the picture frame.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hey Murr! You know, I think the badgers have been having a laugh at my expense and doing this to me in my sleep. I certainly feel like it's full of concrete when I try to get out of bed in the mornings. Indigo

    ReplyDelete
  25. She really should have been suspicious when she heard the rumble of the cement mixer in the back room.

    ReplyDelete
  26. does it happen suddenly? not sure about that, but i noticed it suddenly. i was in the shower, and felt something brush against the back of my thigh. when i reached around to swat it, i realized it was my butt. that's when i started going to the gym at lunch...

    ReplyDelete
  27. That woman in Florida was so stupid. Everyone KNOWS the accepted medical procedure is a Butt Transplant! Don't ask me who the donors are.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Maybe Geraldo Rivera has some butt fat leftover from his forehead plumping, Robert.

    God, daisyfae, I had to go blow my nose after your comment. I did have that happen when I twisted my torso around and felt something on my back. It was another part of my back.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Cracking walnuts with an ass...hmmmm...wonder if you could earn money that way????

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yes you can. Not in the food industry, though, Rose.

    ReplyDelete
  31. The guy/gal should have at LEAST tried caulking goop instead of cement for the first injection. I mean, you need repeat business. And that would have prevented mold and mildew from seeping in.

    Sitting on my flat semi-sagged ass...

    ReplyDelete
  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Cripes, Murr, my brain is exploding with bad puns now. And the visuals! How could you do this to a faithful and constant reader: et tu, Gluteus?

    Please tell me that backside up top was Photoshopped. That's not genetically possible, is it? I used to have a bum. I think it's working its way through to the front. {edited to fix a tupo}

    ReplyDelete
  34. Considered tupo fixed, Tiffin! I happen to think that photo was digitally enhanced. Not that such a thing doesn't exist, but I don't think J. Lo has one quite like that. Good lord, when that thing falls, I'll be able to hear it from here.

    Kim, seems like almost anything would have been better than cement. When Dave heard about this story, he said, "don't they know that stuff is poisonous?" True dat. Someone did die, and that just among people who admitted to having the procedure.

    I didn't have a lot to go on for personal illustrations of this post, and so I had to resort to the interwebs. Let me tell you, googling images of "drilling concrete into butt" gets you a lot of material you'll be scrubbing off your retinas for years to come. I settled for Miss Lopez.

    ReplyDelete
  35. If Household Cement was used, could she still take it outside?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Did you see the photo of the woman whose butt was injected? http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2011/11/cement-butt-injections-fake-doctor-transgender-woman
    There ya go....Add it to the Ripley's Believe it or Not list.
    Who could think this is a good idea????

    ReplyDelete
  37. Alwaysinthebackrow, I think that might be a photo of the "doctor." Not sure. Anyway, the flat-tire sealant was a nice touch, don't you think?

    ReplyDelete
  38. Gives new meaning to the term "hard ass." Or, when she shits bricks... I'm done now.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I have always been a L&A person (legs and ass)instead of T&A (tits and ass) so this subject is close to my heart. I can't remember why I like looking at them. SWMBO (she who must be obeyed), my bride, points out the good ones if I miss them and that happens a lot as the length of my attention span drops exponentially with age.
    A good read. Your humor made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I come from a long line of pear-shaped women on my mom's side...in our family, we all have what we refer to as the "Thompson butt." Luckily, each generation has gained a little in the bust (from the father's side of the family, of course), so at least the third generation is a little more proportionate than their grandmothers!

    Fun post, Murr (except for that poor woman who got Super Glued!).

    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
  41. People either have too much time or too much money. I can think of a lot of other things I'd like to plump up besides my bum. Crazy post, Murr.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Okay, the cement cheeks I can believe, but holy crap! YOU RODE A BICYCLE ACROSS COUNTRY???

    ReplyDelete
  43. I had heard that story. Arful. Because I have had a butt, I always thought I would at least never having to worry about anything sagging. Then, lo and behold, my non-butt managed to sag without ever having been there in the first place. How does that happen?

    ReplyDelete
  44. Jeeez.... I'm glad you came to my blog and said hey! I love Portland, Oregon! and can't wait to read your blog... hilarious

    I had a bead shop. I had my two cats in the shop with me. A woman with hang down arm skin was quite animated when she talked. One cat... the male - Diggity -- batted it...

    HAHAHAaaaaa let me tell you... I don't know which was funnier... me and the other customers trying not to laugh or her expression or Diggity's total amazement at all the hullaballooing

    what a memory... HAhaaaaa

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hey Murr! Good grief, is Ms. Lo's derriere sponsored by Stay Puft? Still, nice. And poor Dave, you fibber! Indigo x

    ReplyDelete
  46. I think everyone is being too hard on the violently ill patient. Did you see her transgendered doctor's butt? Who wouldn't want one of those?! She's a walking advertisement. Two for the price of one. The only drawback is you might have to pay for two seats on an airplane.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Lifeboomer, I think all our individual cells, however many there are of them and where they're congregated, all slump at once. It probably feels good, not holding themselves up any longer.

    Carolyn, something very similar happened to me with my very own treacherous cat. I'm still not over it.

    Hey Indigo, what? It may not be in its 23-year-old condition, but it ain't that bad.

    Hell, Cog, I want two of those. One for the front and one for the back. I wouldn't worry about falling over ever again.

    ReplyDelete