Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Wisdom Of Lice

One thing you can say for lice--well, you pretty much have to say everything for lice, because their vocal cords are very tiny--is they know their place. True, you may have differences with lice about what their proper place is, but as far as they're concerned, they're rock-solid on the subject. They've been around since before the dinosaurs were raptured. They're a roaring success and it would be folly to dismiss their particular wisdom.

Lice are all about real estate. They no sooner set up a development than new territory opens up and in they go, looking for loopholes in the zoning regulations. There are over six thousand different kinds of lice, each in its own cul-de-sac.

They get so splendidly adapted to their new homes that you won't see them anywhere else. Wing-feather lice do not hang out with tail-feather lice. Human beings, with our variable furriness, have been gentrified by three different kinds of lice and those three kinds never even get together for a block party. Head lice stay on heads, body lice stay on clothing--the newest subdivision--and pubic lice set themselves up in what they bill, for sales purposes, as God's country. They each have developed specific improvements on their general design, especially their grabby bits, that allow them to thrive in their precise niches. We should be seeing Spandex lice any time. Fine little acrobats they will be.

Scientists know that some of our lice have descended from gorilla lice because they've studied their DNA and sleuthed it out. Scientists are nit-picky anyway, but not delicate: somebody had to collect the lice from the gorillas. The lice that set up camp on humans are no longer the same as the gorilla lice and wouldn't think of returning to the old neighborhood.

Lice adapt freely to new niches as they become available because they are so good at making new lice. If any of the new lice come up with any good ideas, it's a short piece of work to run it through a few generations and give it a whirl. We, on the other hand, are much more doddering about the whole venture. Our one good idea was our big chewy brain, and we lugged it around and thought it so valuable that we now give birth to premature grubs that we have to take care of for years and years, just so we can get their big heads out into the world. We scrabbled about on a mere sliver of the planet for thousands of years, skulking on the wafer of real estate not under ice and doing our utmost to outwit the predators before they dined on our soft, delicious brains, and then--for whatever reason--the glaciers melted away and things toasted up and we looked around and our own real estate gene kicked into high gear. We quickly infested much of the planet; we bloomed like spring crocuses, swarmed like army ants, spread like spilled paint.

We haven't been here very long, geologically speaking. Even less long, if your religious tradition requires you to subscribe to the best science available to goatherds three thousand years ago. Either way, we're a dot on the timeline.

In some ways our big brain is not as cool as tusks or hummingbird tongues, but it is a pretty sharp tool, which, if fully employed, should give us a pretty decent run, if we consider all the consequences of our actions and take the long view. Unfortunately our brain spends most of its time sprawled out on the Barcolounger and admiring itself. "Look at this marvelous place, full of food and water, not too hot, not too cold! Clearly God made it just for us," our brains tell us. Well, in the words of Galileo, lah-dee-dah, or maybe that was Annie Hall; I get them mixed up. It's exactly backwards: as the old saying goes, it's putting the pubic louse before the pubes. Of course it's just right for us. If it weren't, we wouldn't be here. And while I wouldn't testify that this is evidence of God's love and favor for us--some other blogger will have to attend to that--I would say that if you think that's impressive, wait till you see how much God loves cockroaches and bacteria, or whatever else is going to take over once we've loused it up for ourselves. At some point, inevitably, we will struggle and falter, and then we will fade away. We'll have had ourselves a nice go of it, maybe shorter than it might have been if we'd really taken advantage of our brains, and then we'll make room for the next big thing.

We like to think we're on top. That's just how head lice are, but just between you and me, it's getting kind of pubic around here.

If you've slogged down this far, good news! You already have one of the answers in the Pacific Northwest Bloggers Scavenger Hunt, hosted by my pal Pat Lichen. At 9am (that's Pacific time, naturally), she will be posting links to several blogs. Scavenge answers from these blogs for a chance for a prize (it's good) and maybe an introduction to some great bloggers you haven't met before. Click here to get started.

28 comments:

  1. Only you could do it Murr. I had always thought that cockroaches were the ultimate survivors and now you have set me right. Leaving me snickering as you cure (this part of) my ignorance.

    I have to ask though. What do you think will be the next big thing? And can we curry favour with it in advance?

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  2. I had head lice once when I was a kid. Back then they shaved your head. It was so traumatic I still remember the event. Off to check out the PNWBSH!

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  3. Lice were the bane of my life when my children were little. I managed to avoid them myself as a child, strangely so I might add. That first photo of lice on a hair follicle is positively scary. Thanks, Murr.

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  4. Roxie sez
    I was an exchange student in Denmark, with a raging strep throat and a fever of 103, sitting in the doctor's waiting room, watching a fly on the windowsill. It kept trying to get something off its leg. I looked closer. A pubic louse had hitched a ride. No matter how hard I tried to wake up, the vision wouldn't go away. I was called in and dosed with antibiotics, told to drink lots of hot boiled beer, and sent on my way, still dazed and confused. fourty years later I still vividly remember that frantic fly. "Get it off! Get it off me!"

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  5. Did the men in the last photo know they were going to go public? Clearly they understood the pubic part...

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  6. God loves cockroaches more than us! *snorts tea* I bet mosquitoes have a sweet deal going, too. And that last picture? Priceless! Reminds me of the time hubby sliced hot peppers without wearing gloves and then went for a pee.

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  7. Only god could love a lice, a louse?, and let them thrive for all this time.

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  8. Well, now we know one of the things that bugs you, Murr. I'm sure there are others.

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  9. There's some good science here; but when you think about it, how smart were human lice to hitch their wagons to a species destined to self destruct because it can't get over 3 thousand year old goat-heard science? It seems God didn't love lice enough to design a more intelligent host for them to live on.

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  10. Oh, dear, I spelled goatherd wrong.

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  11. The scientists have also calculated from Lice DNA roughly when humans started to wear clothes by looking at the difference between body lice DNA and hair (head) lice DNA. Interesting little beggars unless your kid brings them home from school. And by the way they prefer clean hair to dirty hair.

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  12. Wonderful. Thank God I wasn't reading this with customers in the visiter center.

    When the AIDS viruses adapted to humans, we found that God loved gay women best (Or at least wanted to punish them the least.)

    And I've always know cockroaches are one of God's favorite creations. Just look at how many ways he gave them to be successful.

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  13. Not crazy for prizes but am loving this post. Lizards have lived longer. No fur.

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  14. I couldn't read your article or any of these comments. When I hear or see the word, "lice," I'm a gonner. I got lice while teaching preschool, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life...and this comes from someone whose life IS one big worst experience.

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  15. Without lice where would the MLB be. Hardly as entertaining, and what would Michael Jackson's career been without lice. Gangsters an rappers might not be so vulgar and then their music wouldn't sell. I think the threat of lice is over rated, much like the human brain. If it weren't for lice what kind of government would we have? Matter of fact I think I'll lobby the lice in the state legislature to make Lice the official state bug and give themselves another raise at the same time.

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  16. Can't seem to get away from lice today. One of my patients (33 years old) had lice and need to be treated. She'd acquired the little buggers from her daughter (9 years) who recently had them. Nice clean looking people. That's the thing...they don't really discriminate! But lots of people freaking out today having to deal with the poor unfortunate. So thanks, Murr, for being so appropos.

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  17. Very funny, Murr! Loved it. (If I'd called it lousy, my dad would have washed out my mouth with soap. Oh my, rare anger when I said that word. It's a good thing I didn't know some of the others.)

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  18. ...and Murr nails the pubic lousing/real estate market. Two thumbs up! And squished together!

    I had coffee after 10 pm again.

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  19. Wife and I drowsily in a motel room drifting off when wife notices the head lights of a car beaming through the curtains. "Are those headlights" she asks?

    I LEAP from the bed in mortal terror thinking I had her her say "head lice". It's no wonder I suffer horrible insomnia.

    I don't do scavenger hunts, preferring instead to sit and guard the cake and punch until everyone gets back... maybe.

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  20. Gaud! Your hubby will do anything for you! He cooks! He scratches.

    In public!

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  21. He's a keeper. I will admit I sorta kinda promised the guys I'd crop their heads out of the pix, but without the expressions, it looked a lot lewder.

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  22. Hey Murr! Two guys with licey 'nads? You go, girl! Shameless! Indigo

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  23. Well! I hope no gorillas are reading this post as they are certain to be offended. You see, they blame us for infecting them with lice, not the other way around. And you know what? I wouldn't be at all surprised if they are right!

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  24. Oh dear! I hope you're not right. I tend to be an equal-opportunity offender, but I'd like to be on the good side of a gorilla.

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  25. Murr, your humor and writing always make me laugh! I am so glad I stopped by today. I needed a smile and I found one here!

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  26. I almost didn’t read it. It is, after all, about lice. I have often argued that if the characters are quirky enough, the lot is irrelevant, as you seem to prove.

    We haven't been here very long, geologically speaking. Even less long, if your religious tradition requires you to subscribe to the best science available to goatherds three thousand years ago.

    … I would say that if you think that's impressive, wait till you see how much God loves cockroaches and bacteria, or whatever else is going to take over once we've loused it up for ourselves.

    We like to think we're on top. That's just how head lice are, but just between you and me, it's getting kind of pubic around here.

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  27. Head lice are those nasty little parasites that can make every parents skin crawl, in fact, it’s said that 1 in 4 Primary / Elementary School children will carry head lice at any one time!!!! That’s 20 – 40 percent of children that could be infected. Lice Orange County

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