Saturday, April 16, 2011

Owe, The Humanity

I hate working on my taxes. I'm fine with paying them. Here's how I think it should go down: I tell the IRS how much money I have and they tell me how much of a slice they want out of it, and we're done. We make the deal, and you won't hear me whining about it on some reactionary blog where people clutch their pennies to their chests as though it was their very freedom. I also hate paying someone to do something I could theoretically do myself. Theoretically, for instance, I could clean my own house. I totally theoretically could. Anyway, I don't have an accountant.

So I signed on with the fancy tax software that I picked up for practically free from the dude down the alley a few years back. The next year I thought I might try it one more time, even though it cost a little more, not that I needed it or anything, and by now they've got me but good. I'd pay anything for it, and they seem to be aware of that.

They sort of lull you into the whole process by asking some nice easy questions at the beginning, just to get you to relax. They want your name, your spouse's name, a brief description of yourselves, real chummy-like, and then once you've dropped your guard, they lower the boom.

"Do any of the following utterly incomprehensible situations apply to you?" A list follows.

Well, I'm not sure. Yes? Maybe? Is "maybe" an option? No? All right, I'll drop a "yes" into the little form. Pandora's box flies open. When did you acquire this asset? What was your cost basis? Did you ever settle with Guido or are you still hiding in your house with the lights out? Eventually I end up skulking back through the labyrinth of forms till I can get to the screen where I can check the "no" box and that makes everything go away. Solved.

Working in this manner, I end up whacking my way through the brush to the end of the questions with relief but no real self-assurance, and then the software chirps "you're almost finished! Now let's check for errors."

They locate some.

"In 2009, you reported interest income from the First Amalgamated Opaque Securities, Wealth Transferal And Small Arms Sales Corporation. We don't see anything about that this year. Would you like to delete the First Amalgamated Opaque Securities, Wealth Transferal And Small Arms Sales Corporation?"

Yeah, I sorta would. I don't rightly remember that outfit. I don't see any 1099s here. Could I just delete it? Will something blow up? Something's going to blow up, isn't it? At this point I need to walk away and consult the beer refrigerator, and after giving it about twelve ounces of thought, I decide to click the "yes" button. I do so while wincing, with my shoulders crunched up to my ears. Nothing happens.

Now I have the "all clear" signal from my fancy tax software, which wants to know if I want to shoot this whole business through the tubes to the IRS. Here comes the most crucial part of the tax preparation process: dithering.

I do not, as yet, have that sheen of confidence that I have really and truly answered all the questions right. Some of my answers may have been a little evasive, like the little shrug I used to give Mom when she wanted to know if anyone could explain the presence of glue and toothpicks on the good table. It is only prudent to wait a few days before sending this turkey flapping into the air. Something may occur to me, after all.

Nothing ever does, because I quit thinking about it. After the night terrors have subsided for a good three or four days, I go back to the software and click that last "yes" button. And off she goes.

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

33 comments:

  1. Our tax year is different to yours but it sounds as if the issues are the same. Two things are certain, death and taxes, and death certainly seems more comprehensible at that time of the year. Sigh. Good luck.

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  2. It's about time I followed your blog, Murr. What a jolly romp you've taken us through the hazards of soft ware and tax.

    I'm afraid I cannot do my tax myself beyond the basic preparations. The rest I leave to my accountant and I usually manage to sleep at night.

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  3. Of all the 3 letter words ending in "x" I believe tax is the rudest.

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  4. I know I could and should do my own, save myself some do-re-mi, but those night terrors... nothing scarier than the word "audit." Only once, many moons ago, never again. Fighting terror on our own turf should start with the IRS. FBI, CIA, IRS. Scary stuff.

    A beer refrigerator and twelve ounces of thought. I love Murr Mornings.

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  5. It is unfortunate that tax preparation for the average person has got so complicated. My dad, who is 85 and has very few sources of income, lets H&R Block do his taxes... he says it is worth paying the salaries of people whose job it is to figure out how to keep money away from the government.

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  6. Fortunately, I don't even HAVE to file any more, but of course we do, just in case. We take our stuff down to the Senior Center and with the help of volunteer AARP staff, it's done in ten minutes and slipped into the ether. Of course, we don't have much money, either, which has its really good side. Like when I read Murr's scary tale here!

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  7. Kudos to the photographer and models in your illustrations!! I am especially impressed with the seedy character. He has really managed to catch that disreputable smarmy charm. Even the cat is emoting. Masterful work.

    Wild turkeys do fly. Not high nor for long periods, but enough to get out of the reach of predators. Domestic turkeys, like my taxes, are too fat and lazy to fly.

    Thanks for keeping me laughing!

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  8. That Guido looks a little shifty. Are you sure he's not working undercover for the IRS? Just sayin' ...

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  9. So that's what that question meant, I should have thought of Guido. It'd explain why I can't find any paperwork to backup my "maybe" or "shrug of shoulder" answers. And the fear that constantly creep up my back.

    Thanks for taking the words out of my mouth that I didn't even knew I had about the tax season!

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  10. Les Nessman or something like that, right?

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  11. Bingo, knittergran, only it was the station manager. A classic.

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  12. Heavy technique question. Do you guys have a photographer/accomplice or are you just fabulous with the tripod/timer approach? Our timed shots always look exactly the same, which is nothing like these whatsoever. I'm drowning in admiration.

    Everybody brags about TurboTax, but nobody sleeps well. Excellent guide through the Fire Swamp.

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  13. Hi Nance,

    We enlist the whole neighborhood sometimes. Adorable little boy next door to depict a whiny monster, friend to embody the creepy religious gay-basher...it's amazing what people will submit to when they know it's going on a blog nobody reads.

    In this case, none of my male neighbors showed up all day long, so we had to go with Dave for the Alley Guy and Guido. And a female neighbor took the pictures. Thanks!

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  14. Les or Herb on WKRP with the turkey quote :o)

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  15. Great WKRP episode! I think Les Nessman was reporting and said "oh, the humanity" while watching the turkeys fall.

    Used Turbotax for the first time this year. Returns were filed online a week ago Wednesday and had my state refund check in my mailbox the following Monday!! Love it!!

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  16. Why do they force us to do it ourselves even though we haven't a clue, and then make it our fault if we're wrong? In Canada, they force us to lie about it, too.

    I don't know what the IRS tax form looks like, but the CRA ones have a little line at the bottom where they make you sign and swear that it's "correct and complete". As if. How the hell would I know?

    My father-in-law crosses out that line every year, and fills in "to the best of my knowledge" instead. They audit him. Every year. Just goes to show that honesty is the best policy. Kinda.

    Thanks for the WKRP quote - it's one of my all-time favourites. And now I have a new favourite - twelve ounces of thought! Maybe I'll go do some thinking now.

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  17. I have a serious math anxiety so doing my own taxes is out of the question, but I do like your idea of just telling the IRS, "Look, I have a buck-nighty-eight. How much do you want?"

    It would be more than they're getting from G.E.

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  18. Having just done my own taxes up here in Canuckistan, I sobbed with laughter (I think I was laughing...) reading this.

    Love the shot of Dave skulking outside the window!

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  19. Nancy does all the TurboTax work in our household. I am only the steward of the data. She would have it all in a shoe box, but I am organized and have spreadsheets and databases which I print out for her. Then she does the hard stuff of answering the questions.

    The problem with Turbo is that they think they know what's best, so they CHANGE your figures. Gets Nancy all steamed as we plopped down $600 to an accountant to get DIFFERENT figures which she tries to plug into TT with a large mallet.

    Yeah and TT sucks you in like a pusher, you get dependent on it and it costs more and more each year to buy. Last year the state tax part was free, this year $$$$.

    Don't want a flat tax, though... the business people would make their losses equal their income and report they had no income, therefore no taxes owed... you know, like they do now.

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  20. The last couple of years I've filed an extension and put it off until October, when it's a more relaxing experience. Thank goodness for tax documentation that doesn't arrive in time.

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  21. My husband used to do our taxes via computer program, and it was a long painful process that often threatened our relationship. He is so disorganized and didn't know where any papers were, while I am the opposite. So now, we have a nice CPA who helps us. We are so much happier.

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  22. I'm still waiting for a piece of paper so I can get mine done. I have used an accountant for several years but they keep disappearing on me. Don't answer emails. My oldest daughter says she will do it for me (actually, her husband, I think as she hasn't balanced a checkbook in 35 years). I have used the Canadian version of some tax program years back when life was simple and i had a regular paycheque.

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  23. I did my own taxes every year for 30 years...every year, I wondered, "How do stupid people do this?" 2009 was the year that Jim and I became officially "common-law" after a year of cohabitation...not sure how that was going to affect my tax situation, I bundled up my affairs and took them to his tax preparation people, who charged me $126 to do my pretty simple taxes (my income was barely 5 digits!). I'll probably do the same thing this year though. Sigh...only a couple weeks left to get that done!

    Love the WKRP reference!

    Wendy

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  24. This is the long answer I could give as to why my husband does the taxes!

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  25. If America really cared about it's people, it would charge a flat tax on EVERYBODY and that would be that. But then how would the tax software people make money?

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  26. I am shamed to have missed the WKRP quote. One of my other favorite lines is, "I love older men. They're considerate, and self-confident, and they tire easily."

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  27. In Germany, where I lived and worked for a couple of years, they have the right idea. The government tells you what you owe at the end of the year, and you only file a return if you think they've charged you too much. I was willing to give a lot to avoid the hassel.

    I am enjoying your blog.

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  28. The photos cracked me up. But your tale of Tax woe made me laugh so hard I was crying. We have the same problem. "Honey, did we invest in the Amalgamated Thruppence Payback Scheme?" I started doing the taxes, Husband had to finish as I ended up with a migraine.

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  29. This is great! I posted it on my Facebook wall too.

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  30. I could vote for your tax policy. Just tell me what I owe and I'll pay it.

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  31. What I hate is paying - this after they take 1/3 of everything else. But I do like my husband's response which is that we should be happy we are making money to pay taxes. Well, I guess...but couldn't it be easier? Just a flat tax, maybe? Or maybe your tax policy - I tell them how I have and then they can tell me how much of it they want... works for me.

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  32. I'd always done my returns by hand until this year, my first filing jointly. I was all ready to do the ol' pen and ink again, but my wife looked at me with her bloodshot eyes and gripped my arm fiercely and begged me to hand over half my life savings to her online dealer. And great, now I'm hooked.

    Excellent description of the process, Murr! (Especially that last line.)

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