Saturday, February 19, 2011

Saving On Doggie Day Care

I am about to impart to you some information that you have either never heard before, or you have, and it made you want to slice your ears off. Either way, I apologize.

You can, if you wish, buy your dog a silicone sex doll.

This isn't breaking news; these things have been around for a while, though, were I you, I'd get a new one. One brand, of many, is the DoggieLoverDoll (by Petsmiling). The French version comes in noir and blanc and comes with a "cone de remplacement," in case the original cone accumulates too much je ne sais quoi. They come in three sizes, and include an "easy to clean reservoir" and a tube of lubricant to "increase the useful life of the doll." Or at least get it in the mood.

I have maintained for a while, as quietly as possible, that people are entirely too indulgent with their dogs, and I believe this constitutes mounting evidence. I don't mind if people think of their dogs as their children. I just believe they have an obligation to civilize them. The dogs, too.

I had a puppy once who, thanks to rigorous training, was a model citizen. She was very happy because she had a clear understanding of the rules, and didn't need to sit around wondering what to whine about next. Unlike most dogs I know now, whose owners refer to them as being trained because they almost always come when they're called, if it happens to coincide with what they want to do, my dog came when I wanted her to. She lived a very full life because her sterling behavior meant she could come with us everywhere. This point no longer resonates with modern dog-owners, whose dogs come with them everywhere in spite of their behavior. Some of them are even carried, stashed inside purses amongst the Kleenex, and extracted only long enough to expel a pellet, like popping a Pez.

I digress.

The target market for the doll is the owner of a humping dog. Most people find this behavior embarrassing, especially in front of (or on) company. The idea is it would be somehow less embarrassing to have the dog wanking away at a sex doll in the corner of the room. Maybe. Some of your houseguests will find this amusing, although not the sober ones.

Expert advice abounds. "Leg humping is not a sexual behavior," says one article, although it seems to me anytime Pinky comes out to play, you could make a pretty good case for it. What these experts are suggesting is that there are other, non-sexual, reasons to hump a leg. For instance, your dog could be anxious. In these cases, the experts say, you should attempt to relieve the dog's anxiety. That doesn't mean I want to watch you do it.

Another reason dogs hump is to determine pack order. This behavior must be nipped right in the old bud. You don't want your dog to be the alpha male in the household, or you'll never be able to get anything off the bottom shelf again.

There are several resources on line to help you with bud-nipping. One of these begins: "If your dog's mounting isn't bothersome to you or others, it's not necessary to stop his behavior." I assume if you don't like it, you could always give him some pointers on technique.

This expert recommended a number of things. You could cope by "somehow adopting a position that prevents him from mounting," such as, for instance, clinging to the chandelier, or shutting yourself in the broom closet. It's a thought. You can also "give him a time-out," making sure he does not have any of his toys with him, although many of these perpetrators have their favorite toys with them at all times.

Here are some other suggestions from experts on the web:

     (1) Yell "NO!" [Submitted by Nancy Reagan.]
     (2) Leave the room suddenly. [I think you can take your toys with you.]
     (3) Ask your vet to give your humping male dog an injection of female hormones "and see if that helps." [Barbiturates work too.]
     (4) Neuter your dog and you'll find the humping will slow down. [Perhaps you will take to it more.]

As my final piece of evidence that people have gotten way too indulgent with their dogs, I will quote the following comment on a vet's advice column: "My male Jack Russell pushed my hand under his penis and started humping it. He did it for a very long time." You all do what you want. I'm going to start wearing gloves in public.

46 comments:

  1. "I believe this constitutes mounting evidence".
    Near drowned in my afternoon coffee over that one.

    I read somewhere that the reason God gave man a few more brain cells than dogs was so he wouldn't hump your leg at a cocktail party.

    This gets posted on FB. Too funny.

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  2. Sounds like Blog Fodder has been missing out on the best cocktail parties

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  3. Oh dear. And I thought the woman with the largish dog in a child's stroller in Key West was indulgent!!!

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  4. "This point no longer resonates with modern dog-owners, whose dogs come with them everywhere in spite of their behavior."

    Sadly, the same can be said about modern-day parents and their children - although I haven't seen any of them humping yet.

    Ditto on the "mounting evidence."

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  5. "easy to clean reservoir" and lubricant? And the vet who indulged his jack russell with his hand?

    Shouldn't there be like a mandatory public registry -- like the one for sex offenders -- so we know who these people are? I would like to know that the person(s) who initiate hand-shaking didn't just clean doggie jizz out of a lubricated reservoir ...

    Ew. On so very many levels.

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  6. Leave it to the French to offer colored doggie sex toys with all the canine accoutrements, (lubricant and replacement cones!). And none of this "je ne said quoi" stuff. They know exactly what they're accumulating. Oh, those French sure know how to set the mood. C'est L'amour!

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  7. Holy crap! I'm wondering if the doggy sex toy couldn't be configured to neuter the little maniac at the same time.

    Frankly, it sounds like some of those dog owners shouldn't be breeding, either. Let's work on that, too.

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  8. Another good post to make me laugh, and pass on to friends, because it is so true.

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  9. merrilymarylee: I've never had a neutered dog yet that hasn't tried to hump the priest's legs when he came visiting - or anything else that was handy.

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  10. I had a dog as a child that would hump all the time. I thought he was dancing and was delighted. One day I came home from school and my mother told me that Poncho had been taken to a nice farm to live...

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  11. Why is it always about satisfying males needs? Seems to me one of those canine sexual therapists could come up with something for the the little lady.

    Laugh out loud funny BTW. Excellent.

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  12. Our friends, and dog owners (sometimes a mutually-exclusive set) cured all their doggie behavior problems by having their vet prescribe Doggie Antidepressants. Now pooch is happy to crawl behind the toilet and stare at the bath tub for hours. Good dog; stay!

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  13. Once again, Martha had to come see why I was laughing so much,

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  14. There is "mounting evidence" of dog humping. Really? Do tell? Um, actually, you already have. (The Blog Fodder and I both picked up on that right away, which may cause you to think we are similarly deranged. That may be true.)

    Just to keep the record straight, as a Duchess, a lady, I'm NOT into "this sort of thing," you understand. Good grief!

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  15. This is just a brilliantly funny post. Thank you.

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  16. The equivalent of a man's blow-up doll. Perhaps there is a vibrating bullet for one's bitches? Or KY Intense for canines? The mind boggles.

    And FYI, I am not going to be retrieving anything from the bottom shelf anymore.

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  17. I must say that female dogs (bitches), spayed or not, may also hump if they are feeling anxious. Same with neutered male dogs. It is not necessarily a sex thing (believe it or not!), nor a testosterone thing.

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  18. People are way too indulgent with their dogs. The number of times I'm out walking and some dog comes bounding up to me and checking me out, and the owner mutters a half-hearted apology as if this is perfectly okay really. Dog-training is seen as some sort of bourgeois irrelevance.

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  19. You have got to be kidding.....

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  20. And one more thing. Do you suppose there is training involved with these things? My mind is staggering at the possibilities cuz how do you get the dog... Oh, never mind.

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  21. Next this will put in the same category as breast-feeding mothers by some persuasion or other. I must now go and wash my brain out with soap. i was raised the old-fashioned way...unaware.

    Sort of glad about that. By the way, is this French thing costly? Do they offer "help" over the internet?

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  22. So hilarious! I am in hiding right now at my brother-in-law's bathroom. This is a self-imposed time-out to prevent the murder of their thousand dollar puggle. I thought reading my Saturday morning Murr would help deflate my current state of doggie hatred. I think this helped.....but would someone please tell his kids that they could use one of the other the palace bathrooms? This one is mine!

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  23. I had this female dog once with serious gender confusion. She humped everything --it was rare to have a dinner party where she didn't fall madly in LUV with a guest. We would shut her outside of the house and she's just stare mournfully through the glass door until we pulled the drapes. I have to say, though, we didn't want to encourage this behavior AT ALL. Clearly we're abusive dog owners.

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  24. Not something that you'd see advertised on prime time TV. Once wonders if it's been approved by Crufts? And how do they do the quality control? there are just some things that don't bear thinking about.

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  25. Mme. DeFarge's comment reminds me of the story of when polypropylene was first invented, and someone got the bright idea that it would be perfect for condoms. It was elastic, it was impermeable, and best of all, it was super-thin. A prototype was produced, and the company president insisted on being the first tester. He went home, and came back the next day to inform the board that it was not going to work.

    "But why? It's elastic, it's impermeable, and best of all--it's super-thin. What's the problem?"

    "It squeaks."

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  26. Clearly I lead a sheltered and naive life. You have broadened my horizons this morning, Madame.

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  27. I sure am glad you stopped by my place Brewster, otherwise I might have missed out on some good information and a danged good belly laugh. I suppose I'm as guilty as anyone in spoiling my dogs, but I'm enough of a country boy to know they're dogs. Well, most of the time.

    Count me as a follower and you're welcome anytime at Termites of Sin.

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  28. Lots of appreciation when I posted the link to this post on Facebook.

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  29. I should never tell stories on a certain cybercelebrity dog, but the much-adored Chet Baker started life as a bit of a humper. Abusive and totalitarian dog owner that I am, I had him neutered and followed up with a few sharp smacks on the rump pumper. Now I know I should have indulged this little quirk with a silicone humpbuddy stationed in the living room. Drowning in guilt now, but enjoying my well-behaved little dog.
    I adore the photo of you with your lil' gal.

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  30. I have a blow-up sheep called Berta (don't ask.) Berta has all the necessary holes needed, and she makes a sexy noise when you hump her. So if I ever get a dog I won't be getting him a fancy French silcone sex doll, he'll just have to make do with Berta. Now here's to hoping I won't ever get a dog.

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  31. Oh Ziva, we didn't ask and you told us anyway.

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  32. I just thought to tell you that they do this with horses, you know, but on a grander scale, and it's not even a pretty blow-up horse, it's just a fat hollow tube; and the studs have done it so many times, they get excited just trotting into the room.

    And, may I say, thank you, Ziva. Not.

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  33. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  34. Aaacckk! My eyes! (to quote a favorite writer!!) ;-D

    I'm trying to imagine the whole product development sequence -- not a pleasant picture!!

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  35. Where did you get that photo????

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  36. Now, how come I never get comments from sex toys online?? Huh? I didn't even know there was such a thing as an anal toy. And now, thanks to your comments section, I do. Humph.

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  37. Jessica, I stoled it. And Julie, I hadn't checked before, but for you to have discovered an anal toy, you had to do a LOT of browsing on that website.

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  38. Jessica, I stoled it. And Julie, I hadn't checked before, but for you to have discovered an anal toy, you had to do a LOT of browsing on that website.

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  39. I just thought to tell you that they do this with horses, you know, but on a grander scale, and it's not even a pretty blow-up horse, it's just a fat hollow tube; and the studs have done it so many times, they get excited just trotting into the room.

    And, may I say, thank you, Ziva. Not.

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  40. You have got to be kidding.....

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  41. There is "mounting evidence" of dog humping. Really? Do tell? Um, actually, you already have. (The Blog Fodder and I both picked up on that right away, which may cause you to think we are similarly deranged. That may be true.)

    Just to keep the record straight, as a Duchess, a lady, I'm NOT into "this sort of thing," you understand. Good grief!

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  42. Once again, Martha had to come see why I was laughing so much,

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  43. I had a dog as a child that would hump all the time. I thought he was dancing and was delighted. One day I came home from school and my mother told me that Poncho had been taken to a nice farm to live...

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  44. Another good post to make me laugh, and pass on to friends, because it is so true.

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  45. Sounds like Blog Fodder has been missing out on the best cocktail parties

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