Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Personal Horticulture

My Friend Joanie
Recently a man was admitted to the hospital in pulmonary distress, and X-rays revealed he had a small pea plant growing in his lung. These things can happen. A friend of mine, Joanie, once checked into the doctor's with respiratory difficulties, got a battery of X-rays and what-have-you, and was just a week away from starting chemo when she sneezed out a fava bean and that was it for her cancer.

So what makes this gentleman's experience so unusual is not that he inhaled a pea but that he was able to grow a pea plant in his lung. Just the right conditions had to prevail. He might never have gotten a start if he hadn't been in the habit of huffing potting soil, and once he snorted the Osmocote it was a done deal.

My Friend Tamara
My friend Tamara is brilliant and beautiful, but the best thing about her is she snorts when she laughs and she laughs all the time. Still, I was astonished when she mentioned she had gone to the emergency room because she had aspirated a piece of linguini. I was astonished because I thought she had already been to the ER several years back for the very same thing. "No, no," she assured me, "that was vermicelli." The girl's just one good pun and some pesto away from growing a lasagna in her lungs, and that's yet another thing I love about her.

I had a good idea I had a hop vine growing out of my liver once, and with good reason, but it turned out to be a pulled muscle. However, if the history of the earth teaches us anything, it's that life will prevail anywhere it gets a foothold. This is why it's so dangerous to eat raw eggs. Medical lights try to scare you away from the prospect by raising the specter of salmonella poisoning, but the real danger is an inadvertent hatch. It's uncomfortable, it's unsightly, and the intestinal crowing can lead to insomnia and loss of companionship.

This is the real reason constipation is so hazardous to your health. If you have an intestine packed with fertile soil that isn't going anywhere, it is essential to get it moving again lest something take root. High-fiber cereal should be ingested immediately, and then the race is on to see whether the obstruction can be moved before you sprout a field of oats. Massage can help. It's touch and go all the way.

An awful lot can go wrong--and you might want to make a note of this--when you put things in the wrong holes. We each have many holes, each with its own dedicated function, although there is some overlap (whistling, for instance). I've done such a careful job minding what goes in my holes, if you don't count the Seventies, that I've even managed to avoid swimming for decades. You would too, if every time you came up for air, you were still underwater. Last thing I need is a bunch of lungfish.

33 comments:

  1. And many of those holes have a distinct directionality which should be observed, truth be told.

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  2. Definitely a snortworthy post, Murr. You outdo yourself sometimes, to my vast enjoyment.

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  3. That's what that sound was coming from my lower extremities- intestinal crowing! That is just the best phrase ever.

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  4. "I've done such a careful job minding what goes in my holes, if you don't count the Seventies..."

    Oh dear, I am a simple soul. This made me laugh so much.

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  5. "It's touch and go all the way." My Dad would have loved you.

    The only thing I've ever sprouted was twin lads. That was enough for me.

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  6. So how did they find the plant?
    S.pea.lung.ing?
    Like spelunking?
    I'm going back out into the wilderness now. Your rotten tomatoes can't reach me there...

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  7. Ow. They go in through the Vena Cava.
    Tiffin, good job! You must have had some good seeds.
    Dale: clearly, You Were There.

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  8. My husband's family swears this is true. When Michael (my hubby) was 4 years old, he inserted a watermelon seed up his nose where it lived for days or maybe weeks. It grew roots - very painful ones. This post is both informative and true.

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  9. Some days I wish I had a spara gas hole, especially after eating beans with mole asses.

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  10. Susan's raising the bar, here. Who's next?

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  11. Well, I am not raising the bar, but you forgot to mention that the fellow growing a bean plant in his lungs was from Brewster, Massachusetts. Named after a relative of yours, no doubt. Perhaps a great great great great great great great great grandfather?

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  12. Oh great, great! Another smudge on the family name. In my recent trip to Cape Cod, I managed to avoid taking a picture of the sign that said "Entering Brewster." I couldn't see any good coming of it.

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  13. Thanks for the late evening laugh!

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  14. Definitely snorting with laughter, taking care there are no peas in sight.

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  15. Don't forget Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle's technique for personal horticulture, a technique that's easier to access, in the tradition of raised beds: "For the child who refuses to bathe, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle recommends letting her be. Wait until the dirt on her body has accumulated to half an inch, then scatter radish seeds on her arms and head. When the plants start sprouting, the nonbather is guaranteed to change her mind about that bath." --from the publisher
    Did you-all grow up with that story? Rosemary

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  16. Uh, no, missed that one. And "child who refuses to bathe"--or refuses to do anything else--did not have an option in our house. The radishes do sound festive, however.

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  17. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. I had to reciprocate and discovered you have a very ingenious outlook on life. Love it! I'm on a new health kick and just started eating legumes...which I hate but hey...they got fiber. Hopefully nothing sprouts where it's not supposed to. You got a new follower. Cheers!

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  18. This was definitely snortworthy. And extremely educating! I've been trying to grow vegetables forever, but now I finally know how to do it right. I'll start snorting seeds tomorrow.

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  19. Oh my God! I'm glad I found you this morning. I am going to lunch with a friend and need to be careful what I ingest. Also, I need to pack holes with cotton to protect them from the elements! Thank you for the reminder of all the things that can go wrong if you aren't paying attention.

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  20. I want to know where I can get one of those yellow arrow tattoos for my abdomen.

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  21. Amusing and informative. Great post!

    Pearl

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  22. LMAO! I wonder if he composted?

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  23. By the looks of him, he could be composting personally by now.

    Fragrant, darling: I don't know about the arrow, but I've heard tell of Chinese characters on the other side that mean "Exit Only."

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  24. It's a good thing it was a pea, and not, say, a watermelon :-).

    Thanks for stopping at my blog!

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  25. A co-worker friend fell into a shallow iced-over pond while trying to collect a water sample for her students. She called me to tell me the story, letting me know that she was concerned about "organisms getting into her orifices!"

    "Guard your orifices" is now a running joke. Actually, it's pretty good advice, I guess.

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  26. My uncle Marsh (when he was a kid, so my mom told me) took to heart the old saying "Don't put any beans up your nose". Of course nothing attracts fishermen than a "no fishing" sign, so he ended up in the ER.

    I wonder if the physicians at the time had a contest to see if they could guess how many beans were in my uncle's nose?

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  27. I can't read any more of this to Shel until she's able to breathe again.

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  28. Oh, I'm so tickled someone reads this crap out loud to someone.

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  29. It's a good thing it was a pea, and not, say, a watermelon :-).

    Thanks for stopping at my blog!

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  30. Susan's raising the bar, here. Who's next?

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  31. My husband's family swears this is true. When Michael (my hubby) was 4 years old, he inserted a watermelon seed up his nose where it lived for days or maybe weeks. It grew roots - very painful ones. This post is both informative and true.

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  32. "It's touch and go all the way." My Dad would have loved you.

    The only thing I've ever sprouted was twin lads. That was enough for me.

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  33. And many of those holes have a distinct directionality which should be observed, truth be told.

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