Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Straight Talk With Leviticus Primrod

In the wake of the finding by Judge Vaughn Walker that California's Proposition 8, outlawing gay marriage, is unconstitutional, we have heard from a number of aggrieved organizations and individuals, none more aggrieved than Leviticus Primrod, chairman of the limited-rights advocacy group the Institute Of Minding Everybody Else's Business For Them. Although Mr. Primrod had a tightly packed schedule, he agreed to an interview:

MB: So what's the deal?

LP: We are dedicated to seeing that civil rights are not extended to Sodomite-Americans.

MB: But if two men---

LP: That's just gross.

MB: All right. But how is that your business?

LP: We make it our business. We're always thinking of the greater good, not focusing on narrow self-interest. It's called "outreach."

MB: It says here in your brochure that "a life-long union between one man and one woman is the only good environment in which to raise a child." Scientists such as those in the American Psychological Association do not agree.

LP: That's elitist science, science promoted by a non-representative and tiny segment of the population, the highly educated people. We have our own science. We perform thought experiments. That's what Einstein did--you may have heard of him.

MB: I have. He was a member of the highly educated elite. You can't have it both ways.

LP: Please. Don't say "both ways." Or "member." That's offensive.

MB: Einstein also dealt with facts.

LP: Facts are fungible things.

MB: What does "fungible" mean?

LP: [short silence] It has something to do with mushrooms. We select only the finest facts, and we work tirelessly to ensure there is darkness and plenty of suitable...substrate...for them to flourish in.

MB: All right. Einstein did indeed conduct thought experiments. For instance, he imagined a person in an elevator resting on the ground and another person in an elevator accelerating in space.

LP: Precisely. We here at the IMEEBFT have conducted numerous thought experiments in which we imagine ourselves in an elevator with a Sodomite-American. We have done this over and over, and we get the same result every time. Consistency: this is how we know our conclusions are sound.

MB: Really?

LP: We perform thought experiments all the time. It thoroughly creeps us out, and also makes us feel funny in the tummy. Every time. We can't stop thinking about it.

MB: And this is the thought experiment that leads you to endorse discrimination.

LP: Listen. It only makes sense that two gay men cannot be trusted to raise an adopted child. What if it's a boy? That child is in danger.

MB: Is your daughter in any danger from you?

LP: [short silence] Spare the rod, spoil the child.

MB: So if it is in society's interest to restrict child-rearing to one man and one woman in a life-long union, are you planning to agitate for making divorce illegal?

LP: That would be the ideal, yes. But there are competing interests at stake, namely a man's God-given right to dump the bitch if she gets fat or mouthy.

MB: Indeed. I have noticed that you rarely refer to lesbians. Do they figure in any of your thought experiments?

LP: [shudders] Never. I do not care to dwell on women who are too fat or mouthy to land a man.

MB: But that's not...

LP: Now, if they're hot...I've seen some--some films of a documentary nature. I have to give them one thumb up. Way up.


  1. OK, so I almost spit my coffee out laughing this morning. This is priceless Murr... just priceless! You REALLY need to consider writing a book.

  2. Alas, I see Leviticus Primrod or perhaps one of many clones on the news every day. It is most disheartening and all the more so because that extended family seems to have a lock on an entire political party. Well, perhaps "party" is an unfortunate word choice in this regard.

    I believe I may work with his twin sister. Perhaps they were separated at birth and put up for adoption. I'll consider that possibility.

    But thank you, Murrmurrs Blog, for interviewing this fascinating creature. Oh, perhaps I shouldn't say "creature" lest it get all the Primrods collectively fantasizing of bestiality.

  3. I think I'll be shouting "Shut up you Leviticus Primrod" at the TV a lot in the future.

  4. My my, MurrMurr. You are a brave soul to interview Mr. Primrod. He's such an upstanding representative of his ilk, isn't he? I truly enjoyed your interview with him, however. You are definitely out there somewhere.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. You have, without question, invented a marvelously handy and evocative monicker for a sub- (and I use that prefix with malice aforethought)species that has so far defied convenient characterization.

    May it spread far, wide and rapidly. I know your other loyal readers and I will use the term whenever possible.

  7. What I want to know on earth did you allow a Bud Lite into your house?!? I'm shocked!

  8. I would have asked him why god invented gay people in the first place.

  9. I'm with Elizabeth on this one...a Bud Lite? Really?

  10. Now you all have me focusing on the Bud Lite and I forgot what I was going to say...
    However, combined with the Bible, I find it a wholly appropriate prop for Leviticus Primrod.

  11. All right! All right! Thanks to the elevated nature of Murrmurrs readers, nobody has any problem with my subject matter, but the Bud Lite is a serious concern. I do not want anyone to think less of me than they already do, so I will state here and now that I SWORE up and down when Leviticus demanded a Bud Lite that we did not have one, and Dave said, uh, yeah we do. BUT it was left here by a well-meaning if vulgar guest, may be up to twenty years old, and is chiefly used as a prop. Thank you for your attention.

  12. My only problem with this post is that your Mr. Primrod is waaaay too cute to be that backerds. I could have provided any number of more believable archetypes by slinging a dead cat and seeing what it hit.

  13. nevermind the But Lite...... he says the things he says...... is he reaching into his pants??

  14. Finally! Some recognition!

  15. How did you get the guy (cute one) with Bud Lite to sit for this blog? won't he be forever a marked guy?

  16. Interesting you should ask. I thought for sure any of my friends would only consent to being photographed from behind or with a bag over their heads. This cutie, who I will leave unnamed out of respect, volunteered with enthusiasm and suggestions for props, and yes, that is his hand down his pants. I salute him.

  17. Leviticus Primrod is such a perfect name that it really ought to have a book written around it. Is that last photo an attempt by Mr. Primrod to loosen up his tightly packed schedule?

  18. You don't miss much, do you, Tiffin?

  19. Your minds must be an awesome place. Thanks for the glimpses into it.

  20. My mind is small and dense with lots of peep-holes. I can feel the breeze going through it lots of times.

  21. Wouldn't miss your murrmurrings, that's for sure. Toyed with the idea of replying "nope, no flies on me" but decided not to tempt fate.

  22. I don't have a comment because all the previous comments trumped me and I am still wiping up the coffee stains of spit up coffee as I read your blog so I'll just leave you with this non-comment and...uh...carry onward.

  23. Jeez--Bud light (not even real beer); hands down pants; Julie Z swinging dead cats; and many of your readers lusting after the prim rod...err, Primrod.
    What is this blog coming to?

  24. It's been headed down the toilet for a long time.

  25. It's been headed down the toilet for a long time.

  26. Just reread this classic of Murr land! Still keeps me chuckling! How far we have come since then.