Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm Networking, Baby







A year and a half ago, my neighbor Beth helped me set up my Facebook page late at night. "I'll friend you in the morning," she said, and I gratituded her for her help. The next morning, I had a message from someone I'd known since I was two, and hadn't heard from in forty years. It was extraordinary, delightful, and thoroughly spooky. I was trolling the ocean floor with a freshly wormed hook and I'd snagged a nice shiny fish, but what else was lurking in the depths?

Fortunately, due to an acute erosion of memory, I don't worry about anything for long. I reviewed my life and found it exemplary, my every human interaction at every age marked with virtue, and I rested easy. I was ready to embrace Facebook, social networking site and the world's foremost cat-video delivery system.

I wasn't alone. In late 2008 and early 2009 all the baby boomers in the world jumped onto Facebook at the same time, causing real news sources to leap off the web in order to keep everything spinning. They stormed the site like it was a free glucosamine dispensary. Saggy gray boomer mamas dreamed of old boyfriends whose last memories of them featured bandanna halter-tops in invitingly spacious overalls; they brushed up their photo-editing skills and took the leap. I did too.

Friends showed up. Real ones, ones I had missed. You lose track of friends over the years, and it was remarkable to be able to catch up all at once. For instance, it turned out a third of my old friends were now in the Mafia, which didn't surprise me, and another third were farmers, which did. By the time I had reached sixty friends, I had already traveled cross-country to meet long-lost high school pals. I was delighted with my collection.

Then new friend-requests started popping up. Who is this person? Why does he want to be my friend? My friend collection grew in accretions, certain key components barnacling up. I had an island of show-business people, an outcrop of writer types, and a whole reef of birders. The birder reef developed side protrusions of insect experts and one dinosaur guy. Eventually I met some of my virtual friends, and then my Facebook page settled out into people I actually know, people who know people I actually know, people who don't actually know people I don't actually know, and people who I don't know who the hell they are. And one French guy who probably mistook me for a cheese.

Sometimes I see a clever comment on my page, and I'll think: how do I not know this person? Is this one an actor, a writer, or a birder? One day I got an email from someone I knew I'd never heard of. She was sorry to inform me that a mutual friend had passed away, and that there would be a celebration of life I was welcome to attend. I looked him up, found him indeed among my friends, and mourned. He was so young, so handsome in his profile pic. What a loss it was, and I had only not known him for such a short time.

Baby boomers are particularly fond of Facebook because it helps us keep our focus. Now, instead of the scattered thoughts like "I should send money to Haiti" or "where did I put my coffee cup" or "when did that crap replace real music," we are focused like a laser on "I wonder if anyone put anything interesting on Facebook in the last fifteen minutes." It settles the mind.

That's one benefit. But I also now have ready access to people who can answer all my most vexing questions. What can their skeletal morphology tell us about the relationship of velociraptors to ostriches? Or, What is that thing crawling up my leg? You'd be surprised how often those questions come up.


23 comments:

  1. The whole thing is brilliant, but this one:

    "I'll friend you in the morning," she said, and I gratituded her for her help.

    Priceless.

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  2. I beg to differ. The best line is as follows:

    What a loss it was, and I had only not known him for such a short time.

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  3. Velociraptors were nicer than ostriches. I wouldn't accept either one as a Facebook friend, though.

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  4. "When did that crap replace real music?" That's what I want to know too.

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  5. Yeah, what's up with that? I joined up about 2 years ago too only not one person from my past has tracked me down. Hmmm, maybe I don't have anybody from my past. Oh hell, I didn't like any of those people then, why would I want them now? Mostly my 'friends' are glass artist types I have never met (oh some I have met) and family. My husband just recently joined and he's already had three hot babes totally unknown to him want to 'friend' him. Huh? Uh, ladies, he's well past his prime. But what I really want to know is how come I don't get friend requests from hot young studs?

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  6. I'm pretty sure that thing crawling up your leg is the intertube.

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  7. I opened a FaceBook account and quickly found my 6th grade girlfriend. Well, she wasn't exactly a girlfriend; way back than I had told her I was in love with her - she had/has only a vague recollection of who I am. Still it's interesting to be "blocked" twice by the same woman 50 years apart.

    I have loads of "friends" though someone pointed out that they aren't really friends - a real friend, he said, is someone you can call in the middle of the night to pick you up at the airport.

    One of my new FB friends, though, is a beautiful blond Russian woman who wants me to send her money so she can come to America and marry me. Unfortunately I would need to explain this somehow to my current wife...

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  8. Gratitude line already passed on to editor-friend who, to judge by her FB status, has spent far too long editing a document with far too many words that have been verbified.

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  9. and you get to share pictures of what you cooked for dinner but couldn't share with your friends - but you would have if you could have.

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  10. Wasn't it Julie Z who referred to it as "Crackbook"? Some days I can, like, totally relate to that! :-)

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  11. I think this is the wisest analysis of FB that I've seen. I never knew it could be used for dino lore and other useful stuff. I just use it to wonder at all the online farmers. It's fascinating to behold.

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  12. One of these days I'm going to take a week off and let my commenters write the posts for me.

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  13. The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

    Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

    Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

    Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray.

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  14. How come Crackerman doesn't post jokes on my blog? Dang.
    I think I friended him before he friended you. And I don't recall your gratituding me for that.

    It gets thorny out there in the Facebook thicket. I have a Facebook friend who LOL's on my home page all the time. Our only mutual friend is Ima Puffin.

    This is a snap-crackle-poppy post, one of your best.

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  15. What a world, huh? I'm so glad I was a baby boomer. We're getting a glimpse of a lot of the fun stuff, but with any luck we'll still get off the planet before it all turns to shit.

    I'll have to stalk you on Facebook now.

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  16. Stalk away, injayne! Dave and I have often observed that very thing. That here we are in this rarefied segment of time, a blip, during which we'll get to have all the toys and then everything blows up. If it weren't for guilt, we'd have it made. Oh sorry about the planet.

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  17. After reading and snorfling over several of your posts on Charlie's blog, I decided to slide over and have a boo to see what "murrmurrs" was all about. You, m'dear, are a treat! Had me hooked at "gratituded". *bookmark*
    Tui

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  18. Always happy to take on a new snorfler! Thanks Tiffin.

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  19. Oh-oh. I wandered over here innocently because of an intriguing comment left on my blog by you. I read this one and damn, here I go again... I'm your latest follower. But I must say I am definitely out of my league over here. Even your commenters are brilliant!

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  20. Nope, Djan, this is your league all right, and welcome to it.

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  21. Yeah, what's up with that? I joined up about 2 years ago too only not one person from my past has tracked me down. Hmmm, maybe I don't have anybody from my past. Oh hell, I didn't like any of those people then, why would I want them now? Mostly my 'friends' are glass artist types I have never met (oh some I have met) and family. My husband just recently joined and he's already had three hot babes totally unknown to him want to 'friend' him. Huh? Uh, ladies, he's well past his prime. But what I really want to know is how come I don't get friend requests from hot young studs?

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  22. Velociraptors were nicer than ostriches. I wouldn't accept either one as a Facebook friend, though.

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