Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Woo Woo


I've seen a number of perfectly good amphibians in these parts, although not near as many as I'd like, but I've never seen a Northwestern salamander or a Northern Red-Legged frog. They're famously reclusive, and rarely bother to get out at all except on cool, rainy nights, which is when I'm watching reruns of House. My dad and I used to tromp the swamps in precisely those conditions looking for spotted salamanders in the spring, but that was an east-coast glory and I've gotten out of the habit here. Nevertheless I am confident of their existence because I am an official Amphibian Egg Mass Monitor with a badge and everything, and I have seen their bodacious egg blobs. (Using much the same logic, we can infer the existence of letter carriers by the appearance of Netflix.)

Both species leave large egg masses, distinguishable by their size (orange, grapefruit) on the Universal Citrus Scale, the same one used to describe fibroid tumors. The frog, in fact, puts out a mass easily three times its own size. It is a feat comparable to someone like me giving birth to a fully-formed Rush Limbaugh, covered in gelatinous goo and held under water for several weeks. Give me a moment...ah. All right, I'm back.

Amphibian sexual behavior differs from human in many ways, notably in the lack of penises and penis-related activity and advertising, and the males have to rely on attitude, romance and some really big thumb-pads. Cuddling and spooning play a big role. Amplexus refers to an ardent hug that can last for hours or days but does not require medical intervention. The Northwestern salamander (Ambystoma gracile) is the more gentlemanly of our two target species. He is the strong, silent type, and during courtship he rubs his chin along the female's head. He then deposits a sperm packet on the bottom of the pond, and his emission, should she choose to accept it, is picked up by the female to fertilize her eggs, which she attaches to suitable vegetation. A decorator is called in to festoon the egg mass with algae, and the young are hatched within weeks and ready to apply for college.

On the other hand, the male Red-Legged frog (Rana aurora aurora*), for a fellow without a penis, can still be sort of a dick. He will put an amplexus move on anything in sight, including fruit, Northwestern salamanders and other male frogs, so in that respect, he does resemble a human. When a male is clasped by another male, he emits a "release" call, unless of course he doesn't, not that Pat Robertson needs to know about this. Once engaged in amplexus with a receptive female, he sings a low-intensity note every second into the female's ear, audible only to her. Sweet nothings and the hug are his entire repertoire, and it seems to work most of the time. However, if a female is not receptive, she will sound release calls, stick her legs out straight and roll over repeatedly--again, startlingly similar to human behavior.

With both species, eggs are laid in shallow, still waters, such as a wetland pond, and it is important that the pond retain enough water to see the tadpoles through to maturity. Since many of these wet patches dry up by June, the animals have evolved to breed during a quite short season, which means most of them are Pisces or Aries. In contrast, humans are able to breed all year long, since their young in many cases remain in their parents' care for up to 35 years.




*Rana aurora aurora would be an excellent name for a girl. It sounds lovely, and if she comes home late and can no longer pronounce her own name, you can ground her.

34 comments:

  1. Thank you for the first belly-laugh of the day. So, amplexus is the equivalent of Tantric romance for our amphibious friends? This begs for a T-shirt.

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  2. Amphibian secrets!! Woo Woo!
    love your logic!

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  3. Oh, so maybe that guy was a frog and here I thought he was just a toad.

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  4. Aurora is a name that is actually used in Brazil, for girls. But we pronounce our Rs differently.

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  5. Amplexus can sometimes require medical intervention, though by the time it gets that far, it is usually not worth the medical efforts. Back when I was doing research on tree frogs in NJ, I would commonly find several dead females on each visit to the pond. Some died because they were unable to release their eggs (egg-binding?) and some just seemed to have been crushed by overly ardent males.

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  6. Good grief, the stuff that's going on while we're busy watching 30 Rock or 24. How lucky we have Egg Mass Monitors to tell us what these lascivious little critturs are up to. Neat badge, btw.

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  7. Oh, and can you see my salamander door-pull right behind me? This is what you get when you have a lost-wax caster as a friend. (She could be your friend too at http://castofcharacters.com)
    Bruce: I did know that sometimes the females needed medical intervention. That's why we cost more to insure...
    Ellen: you could do woise!

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  8. Soo how does one become an egg mass monitor and how do you know they're salamanders and not frogs. Thanks for the wierd insight.

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  9. Mary, if you're interested I'll be sure to let you know next year. Metro is always looking for volunteers. The salamander egg masses are tidy and tight and the frogs' are wanton, just as you'd expect.

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  10. Thanks for the plug! I just finished a new Frog Deluxe! Finger Pull, too, and hope to have other hardware using the same frog up on the same page in the next day or two (J Hooks, Small Door Knockers, Brackets for towel / curtain rods, Bottle Openers, etc). http://www.castofcharacters.com/frog.htm#fdfrog
    Your posts just seem to get better and better. Don't know how you do that, or is it just because you mentioned me? (Click on my highlighted name to see link.)
    Mary Ann

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  11. Holy crap, you're the David Attenborough of the Northwest, but with an amphibian-like lack of male junk and a slightly different accent (I'm guessing)! Impressive.

    I think the main lesson I took away from this post is that I wish Rush Limbaugh had been born covered in gelatinous goo and then held under water for several weeks. I think that would've saved the planet a lot of trouble. Just the thought of it makes me feel all amplexus.

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  12. I also resemble a frog in the belly area. So that can't be bad.

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  13. my razor has SOOOO much trouble shaving that damn frog hair, how do you do it?

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  14. my razor has SOOOO much trouble shaving that damn frog hair, how DO you do it?

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  15. OMG, you are a real person?! I thought you were just another figment of Mike's imagination.

    So nice to meet you! And, also, a little relieved that we won't have to put Mike away just yet...bless his heart.

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  16. I love lizards, frogs, all amphibians... but never have I read about their behavior so enjoyably!!! LOVE how your write, love how you think. :) BTW, I second MikeWJ's feelings about Rush. Evidence of cockeyed evolution... nature just doesn't always do it right, and Rush remains among us!

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  17. Holy cow, I was already laughing out loud at the post and then I got to the comments!

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  18. You have a great sense of humor as well as being informative: Rush Limbaugh, covered in gelatinous goo; human young remaining in their parents' care for up to 35 years.

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  19. Here I thought I had bad taste in men when it turns out I was wasting my time with the wrong species.

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  20. Why can't every guy be a northwestern salamander instead of a red-legged frog?

    Splendid biological discourse. Hilarious, moreover.

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  21. I don't know, Mr. Postman. I've known a number of guys who could leave a sperm packet on the floor.

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  22. The fact that we humans don't share a LOT of behaviors with our little friends in the animal kingdom is of great relief to me... particularly when I think of how most birds feed their young through regurgitation. Nobody would ever take their kids with them to eat "out" at a restaurant.

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  23. They wouldn't take the little darlings out to the restaurant? Score one for regurgitation, then!

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  24. Emission, should she choose to accept it. ROTFLMAO!

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  25. I'm finally catching up on my reading and oh, what a treat! There are so many visuals. My favorite was of Rush Limbaugh covered in gelatious goo being held under water for weeks, lol!

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  26. Oh honey, you have so much reading ahead of you. Or behind you. Whatever. I started in late December 2008. Hope you like.

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  27. "It is a feat comparable to someone like me giving birth to a fully-formed Rush Limbaugh, covered in gelatinous goo and held under water for several weeks."

    Yes, please.

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  28. Oh honey, you have so much reading ahead of you. Or behind you. Whatever. I started in late December 2008. Hope you like.

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  29. Here I thought I had bad taste in men when it turns out I was wasting my time with the wrong species.

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  30. You have a great sense of humor as well as being informative: Rush Limbaugh, covered in gelatinous goo; human young remaining in their parents' care for up to 35 years.

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  31. Holy cow, I was already laughing out loud at the post and then I got to the comments!

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  32. Murr, thanks for visiting my blog. And here, I found a photo of a rough-skinned newt orgy for you: http://www.californiaherps.com/salamanders/images/tgranulosaballorsk807.jpg (Hmmm, can't seem to link it, will have to settle for copy & paste.)

    Thanks for the laughs!

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  34. I loved reading this post. I laughed so hard that I had to read some of it out loud to Roger. We both had a good laugh. I love knowing that all those frogs are either Pisces or Aries. A stunningly profound observation. LOL! Thank you!

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