Wednesday, March 17, 2010

How To Live Forever


It has recently come to my attention that, at 56-1/2, I may be more than halfway done with life. I'm not taking that to the bank yet, but it's a good reminder to start taking care of myself. At a certain age, we should all have a plan for health. I've got mine.

Women my age must, for instance, guard against osteoporosis. Old people, and women in particular, are subject to a dangerous thinning of the bones. These can deteriorate to the point that they will turn to powder at the slightest exertion--for instance, throwing the Belvedere into reverse or pounding the armchair during The Price Is Right. It's not something you want.

But a recent medical study showed that beer drinking is conducive to the building of strong bones. This is thought to be due to the prevalence of the element silicon in hops. Imperial Pale Ales, which, gosh, happen to be my favorite, top the list of beers most likely to fight osteoporosis at 41.5 mg silicon/liter. None of this surprises me. I have yet to feel at all fragile
even at my age, and I fall down all the time. I've always kept up a healthy rate of IPA infusion, and if I bump that up a little more, I should have a skeleton that will outlast my coffin. Later I'll look into why I fall down so often.

According to the Healthy Beer study, light lagers, at 17.2 mg silicon/liter, bring up the rear in osteoporosis protection. And since we have brought up the rear: carting around a massive one also happens to fight osteoporosis. Weight-bearing exercise builds strong bones, and your own personal weight counts. There is no need to run around carrying weights if you can grow your own. With this in mind, I plan to further increase my beer intake until my rear has reached planetary mass and density. It's a win-win.

According to my plan, I shall have developed a skeleton of steel in a few short months. And this should give me a framework sturdy enough to hoist my own enlarging liver (win-win-win). I don't worry much about the liver, because worrying causes heart disease. Besides, the liver is the only organ in the body capable of regenerating itself, which is a little tidbit I have been counting on. You do want a reasonably healthy liver; it keeps a lot of your other important parts from sliding down too far. It also produces bile, but with right-wing radio
picking up a lot of the slack there, we do not need to count on it so much from the liver. The liver is also the largest organ of the body, and rests just below the diaphragm, which explains why I was never able to locate mine when I lost it back in the seventies.

So the only thing you really need to be careful of, with the liver, is that you can blow the whole thing in no time with the right mushrooms. But really, you can blow a lot of things with the right mushrooms.


27 comments:

  1. I don't know why my local paper doesn't carry hard-hitting health news like this...

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  2. No wonder my pets circle me like orbiting moons...apparently my posterior is so large it has it's own gravitational pull. I'll never get osteoporosis! Thanks for taking that load off my mind, Murr, and putting it behind me (where it belongs)!

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  3. Thanks for that helpful healthful update! I've already grown my own weights, so I'm ahead of the game! Now I guess I'll just have to start the beer drinking!

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  4. Laugh-out-loud funny! Thanks.
    LaVonne

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  5. Loved this a lot. And Lisa's comment made me laugh out loud.

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  6. so THAT's what mushrooms are for!

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  7. I've felt these things to be true-
    but thank you for breaking it down
    and pointing out the facts!
    It's like science & religion coming
    together!

    And good job Lisa!

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  8. beer for bones! i'm willing to start handing out the funny little white ribbons right NOW!!!!!

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  9. are you saying that hops and yeast have affected
    the gravitational pull of the universe? MAN, that is heavy!

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  10. beer and mushrooms,i never knew that my lifestyle was so healthy. thanks, that means the next party is absolutely guilt free. hooray

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  11. Oo, I like the little white ribbons idea. Lisa, maybe you should rename your dogs for the Moons of Uranus.

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  12. Beer, mushrooms and a fat butt... my kinda gal!!!

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  13. I'm a big fan of microbrews but India pale ales aren't high on my list. Too hoppy or something for me. Red or amber ales top my personal list. Every time my doctor asks me if I drink alcohol, I tell him not as much as I should. Now I have one more reason to.

    Thanks for visiting my blog.

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  14. ...oh my deah gawd...I cannot stop laughing...need strength....send beer....

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  15. well, that made me giggle.

    Just wanted to pop in and say thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. don't know how you came across me as according to your blog list we have no one in common. Nevertheless, I'm glad you dropped in. so. reading on down I'm either easily amused today or you are just amusing. Not that I need any more blogs to follow since I already waste enough time here but I'm a sucker for a good laugh. count me in. Oh and I'm not illiterate it's just that I have lost the ability to activate the left hand shift key (even though I know I am hitting it) unless I am Looking Right At it and I got tired of going back and correcting the offending not-capital letters long ago.

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  16. This is the first post I have read in a long time that has made me feel better about myself!

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  17. This is awesome. I love the photos too. Like I need any validation for drinking...geesh! But it certainly doesn't hurt.

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  18. I wish I liked beer better. Does wine do it too?

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  19. to go along with that beer: there's more than a few recent studies floating around the internet right now about the health benefits of smoking- the main one being that it prvents alzheimers and that smokers are 60% less likely to get Parkinson's disease. whoa! apparently, smoking prevents a lot of neurodegerative diseases. strange!

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  20. Rats! I am more of a wine drinker. I guess I'll have to think of switching...

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  21. Rats! I am more of a wine drinker. I guess I'll have to think of switching...

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  22. This is awesome. I love the photos too. Like I need any validation for drinking...geesh! But it certainly doesn't hurt.

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  23. well, that made me giggle.

    Just wanted to pop in and say thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. don't know how you came across me as according to your blog list we have no one in common. Nevertheless, I'm glad you dropped in. so. reading on down I'm either easily amused today or you are just amusing. Not that I need any more blogs to follow since I already waste enough time here but I'm a sucker for a good laugh. count me in. Oh and I'm not illiterate it's just that I have lost the ability to activate the left hand shift key (even though I know I am hitting it) unless I am Looking Right At it and I got tired of going back and correcting the offending not-capital letters long ago.

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